TITLE: Sophie and the Medallion of Time
GENRE: YA historical fantasy
This scene takes place in the late 19th century in Paris. Rachel is actually the Sophie from the title, and is from our time.
He took another step closer. I looked up into the intense fire of his eyes and felt rooted to the spot. I couldn't move away even if I wanted to.
"You are amazing, Rachel," he said.
I swallowed as the heat of his gaze burned down my face to my mouth. I reached up to his cheek at the same time he leaned down and lightly touched his lips to mine. I closed my eyes and savored the warmth and gentleness.
When I opened them, he stood before me, hand covering his mouth, eyes clouded. "Mademoiselle. I am truly sorry. I did not mean to disrespect you."
I shook my head. "No, it's okay."
"No. It is not okay. It was unforgivable." He stepped further away.
I tried to close the gap between us, tried to take his hand. "Gabrielâ"
"I am sorry, Mademoiselle Lazare. I should not have been so familiar. Forgive me." Then he was gone.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is really powerful. I like the use of formality mixed with familiarity. But I'd like more emotion. In this passage, we don't know if she loves him or if it's just some random dude that thinks she's hot so he goes in for the kiss. And, random question: did they use 'ok' in 19th century Paris? Just my ignorance, I'm sure...
ReplyDeleteThis was really powerful, though, so I don't know that I really have anything to comment really.
I have two small comments. 1) I would show her closing her eyes BEFORE he kisses her. It's odd for her to close her eyes afterwards. 2) She says his gaze burns her face (which to me sounds painful) and then laters says she is savoring the warmth. I don't think the same moment can be both burning and warm. I'd stick with warm.
ReplyDeleteI like how brief it is, and how he vanishes at the end - it gave me chills. The only thing was the dialouge, to call someone 'amazing' at that time... I don't know if it was done. And there are a lot of other words that may fit better. And 'okay' was used, but as slang in Boston and New York. Hardly upper-class Parisian talk.
ReplyDeleteAll in all, it was beautiful, but it didn't feel like the late nineteenth centruy. Also, come on, Paris? A french man would have words much more entrancing than 'amazing.' Think enchanting, bewitching, etc.
:D
Mmmmm I love forbedden romances. This is good. Makes me want to read more. I can just invision the kinds of 'struggles' the character goes through being in the past where people have different moral behavior.
ReplyDeleteI like this too--It shows the contrast in time period between the two characters well. I would like to have a better sense of the overall story, but for 250 words this is good.
ReplyDeleteI like that he apologizes in such a genuine way - good writing there!
ReplyDeleteI also want him to come back...so he can finish kissing her.
Well done.
p.s. I agree that she should close her eye before the kiss and not after
They're kissing, she opens her eyes, and suddenly his hand is across his own mouth? When did their lips part? How did the kiss end? No mention of any of this annoys me. Breaks the scene for me.
ReplyDeleteI like it, especially his reaction.
ReplyDeleteI'd like a little more emotion, too...although it's hard to know if I would have felt it, if I'd been reading in the scene for the pages already.
ReplyDeleteI was thrown by the okey. It has NOTHING to do in a historical novel. Other than that, I very much liked the scene-snippet.
ReplyDeleteI actually liked the simplicity of the kiss, but like a few others mentioned I would a little more emotion at least from Rachel. We're inside her head and should have a few more thoughts. I also agree with the slang phrases for a period character. I could see if maybe he picked up a few from her if at this point he he knew she was a time traveller. But very poignant. I hated it, but knew he was going to disappear.
ReplyDelete