TITLE: Other
GENRE: YA Fantasy/Romance
(This takes place near the end of a reverse-gender Beauty and the Beast story, after the creature has been transformed back into a human.)
He smiled. "I guess you didn't hear me the first time, being unconscious and half-dying and all. It's a feeble replacement for a name, I know, but if you'll just tell me what to call you -"
She put her hand to his mouth and said fondly, "Don't babble. You mean that? Beloved?"
Alain looked at her wordlessly as her hand fell away from his face. Her eyes met his, fierce and defiant as if she dared him to love her. But upon the rest of her expressive features was the uncertainty and fear of being rejected, left alone. He pulled her closer and murmured, "More than anything."
Now she was laughing, though the brightness of her eyes dimmed as if with tears. Alain took her soft face with both hands and kissed her through her laughter. She made a startled noise, then responded with surprising fervor. Alain found himself pressed against the gilded wall with her lips on his and her arms thrown around his neck. His own hands had somehow gotten caught in her deep brown hair, and he couldn't think to un-snag them while his mind was full of her, the silk of her dress pressing against his skin and the taste of her tears and the echoes of her laughter.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This was gorgeous!!! I love it.
ReplyDeleteI liked this, too. (This is one I specifically remember seeing on another one of these in-house crit sessions, because I liked it so much.)
ReplyDeleteBut there was something about the flow of the second paragraph (of the excerpt, not including the intro) that threw me. I think you could easily ax the "said fondly," and the lines of dialogue themselves didn't really seem to fit together. (The "Don't babble" is more lighthearted, the "You mean that? Beloved" more serious, with nothing to indicate the shift in tone.)
Other than that, though, this definitely drew me in.
I liked parts of this a lot! I had a little trouble with the double "she looked this but she looked this." I mean...she was fierce and defiant, but uncertain. And then she was laughing, but was crying. It sort of made me feel like the author hadn't quite figured out which emotion she was, so she tried to make them both, which doesn't quite make sense.
ReplyDeleteI also think the two uses of his name in the last paragraph need to go. We're in his POV, and no one thinks of themself with their name. I don't think, "Kathleen went there." I think, "I went there" which, translated to 3rd person is "She went there." Besides, there's no one else around to get him confused with. So I think that exchanging "Alain" for "He" would really make that last paragraph suck us in much more.
But like I said, I still like it!
A wee bit of purple prose going on here. Although, I have to admit, that I'm really, really, really happy that he loves her! Really like "taste of her tears and the echoes of her laughter."
ReplyDeleteLove this! Only one nitpick: usually if someone has tears in their eyes, the eyes become brighter, not dimmer, as there's more for light to reflect off. They blur, but don't dim.
ReplyDeleteThe emotion you create comes through clearly. You can tell it's a kiss long awaited.
I love all the mixed emotions. I got lost a little in the different looks, though. But I loved the feel of her dress, the taste of her tears and the sound of her laughter at the end.
ReplyDeleteI loved the last paragraph, and I love the idea that this is a reverse Beauty and the Beast. Of course she feels uncertain but happy at the same time. I like his reactin to her. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what others have said. It's a lovely passage full of emotion and I can see it clearly. I also felt a little confused by the many different feelings she was expressing.
ReplyDeleteAlso - very silly but - if she has just transformed from a creature, how does she have on a silk dress? Even if she had a dress on as a creature - wouldn't it be ill-fitting and falling off (which could be interesting too, I suppose)
Nice job!
very nice, great details
ReplyDelete