TITLE: Johnny Steam
GENRE: Steampunk/Alt History
Johnny tried to clean his hands on his trousers, but couldn't get the grime off. And Captain Lee stood right there. He looked below him, he had moments left, that was all. Captain Lee cleared his throat. Araminta put a hand out to touch his shoulder, to say goodbye, but it wasn't enough. He couldn't say goodbye like this. He grabbed her and jumped into the cold night air. They tumbled down, her arms tangled around his neck and his holding her firmly by the waist. Then his right thumb hit the red button and they shot into the air, far up above Lee and the girls, up above the giant balloon of the ship, where even the spyglass couldn't find them.
"Min," he said.
"You'll come back."
He nodded.
"Before you have time to miss me."
"Oh, I'll miss you," she said, and her eyes, big as they were couldn't hold the tears anymore. One spilled over, then two.
Johnny wanted to lay his not clean enough hand on her soft cheek, but he couldn't take his arms from her waist. He leaned toward her, till his nose just brushed against hers. He gave her plenty of time to stop him. But she didn't stop him. She closed her eyes and pressed her lips against his. And he kissed her, like he'd wanted to from the first moment he saw her on that foggy, gaslit street. She leaned into his arms, and brushed his tears away.
Miss Snark's First Victim
forgot to say this is YA...
ReplyDeleteI have a little comment. When I first read through this I was confused by who said "Before you have time to miss me." I presumed his response to "you'll come back" was merely to nod and her response to that was "before you have time to miss me." Maybe you can combine it and say "He nodded and said, 'Before you have time to miss me.'". Just some way to indicate that he said that and not her.
ReplyDeleteNot enough indications of who is doing what - for a bit there, I thought it was Captain Lee and Johnny together. And tumbling? How where what? In the air? To the floor? Red button? I'm so confused - I hope that's all explained previously.
ReplyDeleteAre they still kissing when she brushes his tears away, or not?
I liked it, but it's very confusing.
I love the title, and I love the idea of jumping off the side of an airship to get some alone time:)
ReplyDeleteThat said, the run-on sentence in the first paragraph ("He looked below him...") didn't flow well enough to justify the run-on-ness. And the last paragraph is a little clunky. (You might try reading it out loud to get a sense of that, and what you can do to fix it. There are a lot of "He did this," "He did that" sentences right in a row.)
On the whole, though, I liked this. I would definitely read this book.
I thought this was soo cute and romantic. It took me two reads to figure out what was going on, but that's probably because these entries are all out of context anyway. I'm guessing the red button was on a jet pack thing?
ReplyDeleteI loved how he waited and gave her time to change her mind. It just made me want her to kiss him more.
I just love everything about this kiss. Great job!
This entry could have used a quick set up letting us know they were on an airship. Would have helped with the confusion.
ReplyDeleteOnce I got myself oriented, I did like the writing itself. The 'looked below him' sentence is a run-on, and there's a missing comma after 'big as they were', but the rest reads very smoothly.
Love the kiss itself - giving her time, a simple kiss, the mention of the first time he saw her. All good. Very sweet.
I was a little confused as were the others in the beginning, but I enjoyed it a lot once I figured out what was happening. I loved the lines regarding her eyes being big but unable to hold the tears.
ReplyDeleteI was confused too, but since this is all out of context, we're not trying to figure out the entire book from this 250 words. Based on this 250 words, I'd say it was well done, and a sweet kiss (did I mention how I LOVE to read about first kisses?). I do think you need to put a tag on his dialogue about being back before she misses him, and maybe clean up the first paragraph with the captain so we know EXACTLY what is happening.
ReplyDeleteBut very, very good job on this one!
nice but it took me a while to realize where we were
ReplyDelete