TITLE: Degrees of Wrong
GENRE: Women's Fiction
His huge hand caught my wrist and whirled me around. I could see the determination in his eyes, could see that his misery had turned into something else entirely. I tried to pull free from his grip, but it only served to make him tighten his hold.
I opened my mouth to protest, but he stifled it with his hand. I stared at him wide-eyed as his intent became clear, and I tried harder to wriggle from his grasp.
"No Elyse! Just this once, don't fight me!" he said, and his mouth came down on mine.
It took me only a second to realize that I didn't have any fight in me. He pulled me against him roughly, pressing me into every contour of his body, and his mouth moved on mine with a frantic fervor. I lifted myself up to him, entwining my hands through his hair to make sure he didn't try to pull away before I was ready. He groaned against my lips and increased the intensity of his thorough battery.
Everything I had went into this kiss. Every stolen glance, every light brush of skin, every shared laugh, every wishful thought. Everything I wanted but couldn't have. I gave it all to him, over and over.
I wasn't sure how or why or who, but somehow it ended, leaving us both breathless.
"My god," he whispered, trying to regain his composure, his expression nothing less than incredulous.
Miss Snark's First Victim
My favorite thing about this piece is the pacing - I think it's well-done. I especially like the sentence "Every stolen glance...."(etc). I do think there is some overwriting that got in the way, and pulled me out of the story a bit. For example, "frantic fervor," "increased the intensity of his thorough battery."
ReplyDeleteI especially like the part that starts with "everything I had went into this kiss." It sounds as if this kiss has been a long time in the making. No wonder it's done with such fervor.
ReplyDeleteI also liked how she held his head tightly to her so he didn't pull away before she was ready. This gal's in real need, and it comes through well.
I agree with the comment above that a bit of it is over written, but overall well done.
The writing is good and flows well. It's a really disturbing, desperate interaction between two characters.
ReplyDeleteLiked it except ... first he's covering her mouth with his hand, and then he's kissing her. What happened to his hand? Details like that annoy me in kissing scenes. :)
ReplyDeleteI feel mixed - as I've said on a few others, I'm not a big fan of men quelling women by force and then them liking the quelling. I suppose it was mostly the part where he stifled her mouth with his hand - that feels particularly aggressive to me. I'd rather have him tighten his hold and then beg her not to fight him and she gives in willingly.
ReplyDeleteThat aside, I think it's quite well written and I like the drama between the two of them.
Elizabeth wrote what I was about to say, almost word for word.
ReplyDeleteThis was well-written, but...I had a hard time relating to the MC. In the few two paragraphs, she seems almost afraid, like she's worried he's going to do something worse. But then he only kisses her, and then she's giving in and, apparently, enjoying it. Maybe if I knew the whole story, this disconnect wouldn't seem so disconnected, but it's something to think about.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you might consider eliminating the tag in the third paragraph ("'No Elyse! Just this one, don't fight me!' And his mouth came down on mine.") It was the only thing that broke up the flow for me.
This is well-written though I, too, had the feeling the hero forced the herione into submission. It's a little too agressive for me. That said, it did have emotion to move the reader.
ReplyDeleteThis is a tale of forbidden love, and he's been waiting fifteen chapters for this kiss. The other fourteen he was gently wooing her, giving her space, but this might be the last time they ever see each other and he wants his d@#n kiss. And so does she. I hope that clarifies it a little.
ReplyDelete"everything I had went into this kiss" I had to read it a few times until it settled into a legit sentence. Can you rephrase it?
ReplyDeletelike
'I put all my ammunition into this kiss' or something like that?
ZP