TITLE: Unvisible
GENRE: YA Paranormal
MC=invisible
"This isn't a fairy tale," I said. "A kiss won't wake me up or turn me into a real boy. What you see is what you get, forever, or I guess what you don't see."
"I know that. But I don't think it matters." She lifted her head, her eyes bright, intense. "It shouldn't matter. Don't you want to know," her eyes closed, she leaned toward me, "what it would be like?"
Her lips touched mine. Even though I knew it was a thousand times wrong, I must've bent toward her too, since she couldn't have found me all on her own.
The kiss was hesitant, tender. Like drinking heaven, knowing it would condemn you to hell.
She was trembling, I was shaking. I'd dropped my arms when she moved and they hung by my sides, so that we were connected only by that kiss.
When she pulled away, a second, an hour, later, who knew, neither of our lips wanted to let go. She rested her forehead against mine and we both just breathed in, deep and slow.
"That was," she said breathlessly.
"Amazing," I answered, even though the right word, the one that followed the rules, was 'mistake.'
She smiled, her eyes still closed. "Yes, amazing. Amazing, amazing." She laughed.
I kissed her again. I couldn't help it.
This time I wasn't so hesitant. My hands went to her face, her hair, holding her to me. Her arms wrapped around me tight. So warm, so good.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Not only did I love your background (MC=invisible), the way you dealt with it was awesome! I loved it. Don't change a thing. I can't wait to see it on shelves.
ReplyDeleteWhen I finished reading, I seriously, audibly, went 'aaaaawwwwwww!'
ReplyDelete:) Very cute, I love the characters.
I loved it too - also, love your title, and the idea of kissing an invisible person. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThere's no doubt that the invisible element makes this particularly interesting, but even without that I think this moment would work well - it's tentative and bittersweet. I liked the heaven and hell line; it captures the mood nicely.
ReplyDeleteI like this, especially the end: "So warm, so good." Nice job.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting!
ReplyDeleteI love is. It's perfect!
ReplyDeleteI find this concept very interesting! I can't imagine how they are going to have a romance if one of them can't be seen. I also really like the characters and how they interact. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI liked the sweetness of the kiss. ";-)
ReplyDeleteThis is phenomenal. The writing here is SO strong and the kiss was swoonworthy.
ReplyDeleteWell played.
I loved this scene! It broke my heart and made me desperate to read more. Awesome job!
ReplyDeleteVery well written. Kind of curious (like Elizabeth) how they can have a romance if one is unseen but I really liked the way this was written. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot. Both the kiss and the story idea. The only thing that made me hesitate was the punctuation. I sort of stumbled over the commas like they were railroad tracks that I was trying to find the rhythm over. I DID find it...I think the words, as I think them in my mind, can flow really well...you just need to figure out how to punctuate them so that they flow into our minds that way.
ReplyDeleteI'm sort of reading it like this:
She was trembling. I was shaking. I'd dropped my arms when she moved and they hung by my sides, so that we were connected only by that kiss.
When she pulled away a second--or an hour later, who knew--neither of our lips wanted to let go. She rested her forehead against mine and we both just breathed in, deep and slow.
"That was..." she said breathlessly.
"Amazing."
I loved this. His voice seems so real and I can tell you've really thought about what it would be like to be invisible - for ex., the "I must've bent toward her too" line. The whole piece is very well-paced, and there's sweetness mixed in with sadness - love it.
ReplyDeleteA few things to think about:
The "drinking heaven" line is beautiful but if you're going to use it, I think the line preceding it needs to be changed somehow. Or maybe there needs to be a different line before the "drinking heaven" line.
Secondly, "neither of our lips wanted to let go" feels a bit overwritten / awkward to me. Finally, "was 'mistake'" line hung me up a little because 'that was mistake' is grammatical incorrect, so I think it should either read "'a' mistake" or "wrong."
Again, this is great. I'd buy it :)
Yep, this was great. There are some small details you can clean up to make this really spotless, but the others have already covered those well enough, so I'll just say nice job:) Or, if this were a Secret Agent contest, hooked!
ReplyDeleteGolly! No wonder 15 people felt compelled to comment :-)
ReplyDelete