TITLE: A CHANGE OF HEART
GENRE: YOUNG ADULT FICTION
Jeramy and Liz have definite chemistry, but have been holding back. Jeramy comes to Liz's house to check on her, and they share their first kiss on her porch.
Liz gazed up at Jeramy and could see the sincerity and kindness on his face, and when he looked back at her he found himself completely lost in her eyes. It didn't matter that his head was screaming at him to run away while he still had the chance, because his heart was shouting even louder for him to stay right where he was.
Elizabeth could feel his heart pounding in his chest. This time she didn't think much of it because hers felt like it was going to explode as well. They were trying to hold back, but the intensity was building and things were already set in motion and they couldn't stop. Jeramy leaned closer to Liz as she lifted her face towards his. As their lips met, the sparks flew and they found themselves lost in the marvel of the kiss they thought could never happen. She leaned her body into his as he wrapped his arms around her, completely forgetting all the rules he'd put into place about falling in love. When they finally pulled themselves apart, Liz was overcome with emotion. She wanted to tell him how she felt, but wasn't sure if he would comprehend how much she'd come to care about him in such a short time, when she didn't fully understand it herself.
Miss Snark's First Victim
There were several cliches here. And a lot of choreography, but not a lot of real, solid emotion. I think I'd suggest some conversation between the characters. And I might try to git rid of the head-hopping. That's very confusing in the middle of a kiss.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Chantal. There are WAY too many switches in POV here. Pick one and stick to it. We can't stay in the moment very well otherwise.
ReplyDeleteJeramy sounds like a made-up girl's name to me - why not Jeremy? It really jars. Anyway too many cliches and switches of points of view - summed up when she feels his heart beating in his chest.
ReplyDeleteI think you need some dialogue here. Also, you use "was" and "were" a lot and this would be stronger if you worked in some more active verbs. And "sparks flew" is a cliche.
ReplyDeleteI would agree that dialog would make this come alive more. I see that you're writing in omniscient - this is difficult to pull off, but you could do it. The trick I think is to not be in any one character's head for too long, and I think you might be in Liz's too much. Also, the switching between Liz and Elizabeth seems odd.
ReplyDeleteThe POV really confused me. I didn't feel this one, sorry. Maybe try more show and less tell.
ReplyDeleteI think the scene would be SO much stronger if it was anchored in one POV and allowed to flow with emotion.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others - the cliches and floating POV are distracting. And there's something about the voice that doesn't sound very teenagerly to me.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the others. "Sparks flew", "overcome with emotion", "lost in her eyes", "heart pounding in his chest" are all a little too cliche to make this scene seem fresh.
ReplyDeleteThe POV jumps really rob the tension and/ or tenderness. It becomes distracting.
ReplyDeleteBy it's nature a kiss is an emotion and if you don't get deep inside it it loses effect.
ZP