TITLE: Love, Free of
GENRE: Women's
While at college, escaping her crazy mother, Whitney (main character)falls in love with Wes Deluca, a boy who rescued her from a near attack on campus. The scene below is at Wes' home on New Years Eve .. He's just written and played a song for Whitney :
I could feel the fireplace on my face and I didn't know if it was the anticipation of what would happen next, that made me blush. He leaned into me as I sat down... our lips parted and I could taste his sweet lips. I could feel every word of his song, and I allowed him to feel me as we kissed, free of any doubt.
I didn't feel broken or damaged.
I felt love. I felt a sincerity I'd never known.
I opened my eyes and he was staring at me. Our lips left each other only for a moment.
"I love you, Whitney."
"I love you back."
"And I will love you forever, free of conditions."
I smiled, with him, I actually believed it. If anyone could love me unconditionally, it was Wes.
"I'll hold you to that, my prince charming."
And our kiss began just as it had before. His hand was on my face and then moved down to my neck. He cradled me with his hands and I allowed myself to enjoy him. Without conditions, without worry or doubt. I loved this man in front of me, and he loved me back.
Miss Snark's First Victim
It's sweet, but there is some awkward phrasing, punctuation and repeating of words. The first sentence doesn't quite make sense. Then "I could taste" followed by "I could feel" followed by "I allowed him to feel me." It just seems you could make stronger word choices.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit lost by the feeling the fireplace - I know what you're trying to say but she's not really feeling the fireplace, she's feeling the heat from the fire. I agree that there are uses of the word feel/felt. I don't know either what you mean by "I allowed him to feel me" because that seems like he's feeling her up, which is not what I think you mean.
ReplyDeleteIt is a sweet moment and with some different wording I think it could be quite a strong scene.
Yes, like the others, I think you're missing a few words in the first sentence to have it make sense.
ReplyDeleteYou repeat words a lot, and while I think repetition can be a useful device, in this example it's just repetitive.
"Lips" twice in the same sentence, "allow," "hand," and "free."
"And I will love you forever, free of conditions." <- is this a nod to the title? I must admit, I read it and though oh, no cheesy. Plus, would a man really say that? Or could he put it a different way? Especially so it's not the title of the book.
Be careful of the word "felt" - it's telling and often, unnecessary. Instead of telling us, show us how she feels. Instead of feeling the fireplace, talk about how the heat is affecting her. Good luck!
This has promise, but the kiss is skipped by so fast. I get the sense that the kiss is very meaningful to her in how secure it makes her feel, but it passes quickly by with just sweet, parted lips (what makes them sweet?). On no account do you have to exaggerate the kiss or go into unnecessary detail, but I'd like to really feel that love and security without you coming out to say "I feel". Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteThis seemed too cliche for me. Too simple, also. I'd love to see more depth of feeling...the release of whatever they've gone through to reach this point.
ReplyDeleteI feel like there is a distance between me and the main character. Like she's recalling all this from far, far away. Bring us in closer.
ReplyDeleteI'd liked to see more depth of feeling also. I want to get inside Whitney's head. I also agree on the fireplace, she felt the heat. The kiss was sweet. Good luck.
ReplyDelete