TITLE: untitled as of yet
GENRE: erotic romance
Randy, who wants Kristin, approaches her while she's with Sean. Sean steps in when Randy's temper flares at being rejected.
"I'm glad you were there with me," Kristin said.
Sean met her smile with one of his own. "Are you, now?"
She nodded and stepped closer.
"How glad?"
"Very glad," she whispered, and saw the moment her whisper crawled into his skin. His eyes darkened, and his body hummed as if all nerve endings were on alert.
She felt his hands at her back, easing their bodies closer, erasing any space separating them. His warmth, the smell of his skin, the touch of his hands set a fire burning inside her.
"Show me." The words exited his mouth on a whisper.
She outlined his mouth with her fingers then settled her arms around his neck. Lifting her face to his, she pulled his head down to her, their lips poised in place, ready to come together. A pulse shot through her, pushing her to eliminate that final distance.
She touched her mouth to his, like two petals brushing. Her lips parted and tugged at his bottom lip, his top lip, both lips. The tip of her tongue outlined where her fingers had seconds earlier. Craving more, she claimed his mouth fully, tasting him, breathing him, kissing him. He responded, echoing her movements, but let her lead the way. When they finally came up for air, his eyes gleamed.
"I'm glad I was there, too."
Miss Snark's First Victim
Although I'm not wild about females getting rescued in sticky situations by males, I do like the way this is written. I think you get to a lot of the sensual details quite nicely and I like your poetic use of language.
ReplyDeleteI thought the kiss itself worked really well, but the lead in had some style/language problems.
ReplyDeleteIts in her point of view, but "his body hummed" is in his. It's distracting. Just tell us what she experiences that tells her this.
"She felts his hands" distances us from the feeling. "His hands on her back eased them closer" is more direct sensation.
Otherwise, very good, very sensuous.
camille
I agree with The Daring Novelist.
ReplyDelete"and saw the moment her whisper crawled into his skin."
I think I know where you are going with this, but it read very clunky to me and I had to re-read it to figure out what was going on.
Maybe change the repetition of the word "outline" to something else the second time. Good luck and nice job!
There was some fantastic imagery in here, but also some that didn't work for me. I really liked "the moment her whisper crawled into his skin", "erasing any space separating them", "like two petals brushing". "His eyes darkened", "his body hummed", "a fire burning inside her" didn't work as well here for me. All in all, though, the flow was good and the sensations work well.
ReplyDeleteFifth paragraph really needs some re-doing. "saw the moment her whisper crawled into his skin" just doens't make any sense to me, and I didn't like haveing to stop and figure it out.
ReplyDeleteReally like her assertiveness in the kiss. Great job on that.
I was pulled out by the same out-of-POV mention that The Daring Novelist noted...it made me go back to see whose POV we were really in.
ReplyDeleteOverall...it seems overwritten to me.