TITLE: Platinum Diary
GENRE: YA Paranormal
Because of Chaz's paranormal "condition", he isn't able to make skin-to-skin contact with anyone. At a school dance, Chaz accidently touches Sayra, has his horrible premonition, and now they can touch.
He closed his eyes, rubbed my palm against his skin then pressed his lips to it. I was struck by what life must be like for him. Unable to really touch anyone without witnessing horror... I couldn't imagine. So I let him explore my skin, knowing he needed it more than I did. Chaz's eyes opened, giving me a second to recognize the heat before I was hauled against him and his lips were crushed against mine.
We dove into the kiss like two people leaping off a cliff together. Our arms wrapped around each other as our tongues met in a clumsy dance that had me spinning. Neither of us had much experience, but it didn't matter. His fingers ran up my spine, circling my skin as he pressed me against his truck. Someone shouted, "Get a room," but they didn't understand. This wasn't merely kissing. This was two starved people alone at a free buffet.
When Chaz broke away for a breath my lips tingled, actually every part of me hummed. He leaned his forehead against mine and we laughed two like crazy people. I couldn't resist burying my face in his neck, kissing him there. Geez, he smelled fantastic. His moan made me smile.
"That was...intense," he said.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Oh, wow. This was hot. Intense is right, baby.
ReplyDeleteOh, I really liked this! Nice detail about the "get a room" shout - very believable.
ReplyDeleteYummy!
ReplyDeleteI like it - the get a room shout is funny, and the premise of this story seems really interesting. I was a bit confused by the phrasing of "I was hauled against him and his lips were crushed against mine" because it seems like there is some outside force doing this, not them. Is that correct? If not, and it's Chaz that is doing this, it'd probably be better to say that. Also, I don't know about the tongues' clumsy dance, it's a bit gross, a bit TMI I think. But other than that I loved the description of how she felt afterward and the passion of the moment.
ReplyDeleteThe premise is fascinating, and I think the writing could use just a little work to live up to the promise of it. I was with you on diving into the kiss "like two people leaping off a cliff together" but the "two starved people at a free buffet" seemed a little much to have in the same paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI would want to read on, so you're definitely doing something right.
It was hard to feel the passion with them without getting the chance to get to know them, so certain phrases felt too cliche, like the free buffet and leaping off the cliff and every part of her humming. So I agree with @Kerri.
ReplyDeleteFunny sidenote: not knowing the scene occurred next to his truck, I thought the word truck was a euphemism at first, which made no sense, of course!
Loved the "get a room". This was great - showed how much they wanted/needed each other. I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI for sure could feel the passion and desire in your scene. I didn't like the two people jumping bit though....Over all nice job!
ReplyDeleteLOL! Thanks for clarifying the truck thing, Vicki! I hadn't figured that out yet!
ReplyDeleteOverall, I'm confused about what's actually happening re: his condition, but I assume I wouldn't be if I'd read to this point. :-) I kind-of liked the clumsy part...it's realistic. And it's realistic that they didn't care.
The "When Chaz broke away" paragraph needs to be fixed. That comma isn't right, though truthfully, I'm not sure if a dash or a period or a semicolon WOULD be.
But I like it. I'm interested in the story, too!
ooh, I liked the intensity. I definitely felt like he was starving for that touch. But I also agree that the metaphors were a bit cliche. Just some tightening IMHO. great kiss!
ReplyDelete