TITLE: PERFECT MATCH
GENRE: Romance
In the stables, Cali's reserve fails.
Cali refused to cry for things that might have been, but as Trace reached for her, she was no longer in control of her feelings.
"It's all right. I'm here," he murmured.
She wanted to pull away, but it felt so good to be held. To have someone care, to find encouragement and hope. Hope, that men weren't all bad or deceitful.
Gentle fingertips lifted her chin.
Warm breath wafted like a caress across her eyelids, the tip of her nose, then brushed across her damp cheeks.
Their eyes held until his trailed slow and deliberate to the moistness of her mouth. His grip was strong as he slipped a hand at the nape of her neck and pulled her to him.
No longer in control of a rational thought, waves of heat curled in the pit of her stomach as their lips met. The kiss was painfully tender, yet earth shattering. Cali wrapped her arms around his waist and allowed him to draw her closer.
Trace crushed her to him so tightly she felt her bones ache.
She should stop him, but nothing mattered except the moment.
With difficulty, she backed away and wrapped her arms tight about her waist. "That was more than a friendly kiss, Trace."
He lifted a brow and moved closer, his blue eyes bold with desire. "It wasn't meant to be friendly."
Miss Snark's First Victim
Woo. Can't say I've read a lot of romance, but maybe I should start. This was well written and I got a lot of emotional impact though I didn't know either character- so good job.
ReplyDeleteOne little thing did distract me- "the moistness of her mouth" I don't know- that phrase seemed a bit much. Are you saying she's near drooling over his hotness(smile)? or is he suppose to see this moistness? I think, I'd just say "to her mouth."
And then the next line, "no longer in control of rational thought" it jarred a bit to me because you'd already said "no longer in control of her feelings" back in the first sentence. I say skip this second time. By now, the reader should get that there's no thinking going on.
But beside those little bits-great kiss.
I agree with above, and also would like to add that unfortunately "earth-shattering" is a cliche. I like that term :)
ReplyDeleteVery hot, though.
Nice job! I agree with sbjames's comment - I don't think in her POV she's be considering the moistness of her own mouth.
ReplyDeleteYou have two similar phrases close together - "Cali wrapped her arms around his waist" and "she backed away and wrapped her arms tight about her waist." Maybe consider changing one of those up.
And I think you have a tense problem - if you're in past tense, the first sentence should read "In the stables, Cali's reserve failed."
Well done :)
Very hot. I especially liked the slow buildup in the begning. For me the one bad word was "earthshattering". It's been done.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I felt it in my stomach, too, as I read. :)
ReplyDeleteSure, this could use a little tightening. But what a great first kiss scene!
I liked all of the sentences except the ones the ones that told me how she felt. "Cali refused to cry..." "She wanted to pull away..." "No longer in control of a rational thought..." For those, I'd rather feel by reading her thoughts.
ReplyDeleteBut the rest of the sentences are really good!
Thanks to all of you. I appreciate the comments, every one of them.
ReplyDeleteThe scene definitely needs tweaking and I'll take your suggestions into consideration!
I like his answer at the end. This is great!
ReplyDelete