TITLE: untitled
GENRE: YA Dystopian
{Alison has been recuperating from a concussion; Adrian did not expect her to answer the door.}
"Adrian." She looked genuinely surprised.
He saw her step back so he could come in, but he couldn't move. Her hair was down, swept carelessly behind one ear, soft and golden like the morning. She wore an oversized white shirt, something out of the Renaissance. The wide, ruffled neckline had slipped down on one side, leaving her shoulder bare. She was like a painting. Exquisite.
"You're up early." Her words broke his trance, helped him find his way through the door.
"Are you okay?" He hated the way his voice sounded.
"Yeah. Much better."
He stepped toward her. "Why are you up making coffee?"
"Because I couldn't stand being in bed for another minute."
"But you're okay?"
Alison smiled. "I already said so."
"Good." It was ridiculous; he couldn't take his eyes off her.
"Do you want some coffee?"
He reached his hand beneath the strands of hair that had slipped from behind her ear, felt the warmth of her breath on his palm as it brushed past her lips. "Yes."
Then he kissed her. His universe shrank to the moment, the softness of her parted mouth. He wove his fingers into her hair, lingering in the kiss until it ended. She tasted like coffee and cinnamon.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'd switch the last two lines, but other than that, this was really nice. A soft kiss between two people who, based on the conversation, are pretty sweet on each other. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI like this (esp the coffee and cinnamon...yummy!) but there are a couple of instances where the reactions confuse the POV. For example, in the first line, she says "Eric", but this is followed by his reaction which made me have to re-think who was speaking. If you split these into two lines or change it to a description such as "she said with her mouth agape", it will work better. Same comment about "'You're up early.' Her words broke his trance, helped him find his way through the door." She is speaking the beginning but the end is his reaction. These need to be on separate lines.
ReplyDeleteThis is nice. It does well conveying the tentative feelings leading up to the kiss. I agree that the last two lines could be switched, so that the moment finishes with "until it ended."
ReplyDeleteGood moment and details. There are a few language issues that get in the way - make it feel distant.
ReplyDeleteI suspect you were trying to give the feel of distance when you said "He saw her step back..." but it just feels like extra verbiage. "She stepped back" would have the same effect in the end.
What about the sound of his voice did he hate? The sentence doesn't actually give us interesting info if we don't get to see what he hates.
I don't usually like the big metaphors about the universe, but it works here. Love that last paragraph with the taste in it.
Camille
This is great. I was totally in the moment wanting more. Great job with description. "She looked like a painting." "coffee and cinnammon." Love it.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. You don't go overboard describing his feelings, but you give us enough to put us there. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI loved the sentence about her words breaking the trance, helping him find his way through the door.
I thought it was sweet. Eric seems sweet, too. But we don't seem to get any reaction from Alison, this being a first kiss.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a little tell-y, but I still like the scene. If you can get us more firmly inside his thoughts, rather than telling us that "he saw her__" and "He hated___" it'll read more smooth and suck is in more, I think.
ReplyDeleteI loved the universe line! Also love the detail about the warmth of her breath on his palm. The dialogue is good.
ReplyDeleteA couple of things pulled me out of the story. I think the "painting" line would be stronger if you cut the next sentence ("exquisite"). And instead of "hated the way his voice sounded," I would prefer to know how it sounded (for ex., "His voice sounded weak" - or scratchy - etc).
I really liked the description of the kiss - great job - but I had a couple of issues with some of what came before that.
ReplyDeleteHe asks her why she's up making coffee before she asks him if he wants some. If he's just arrived, how does he know about it? Maybe you could have him notice the smell - unless that already happens in the sentence before this starts.
*He saw her step back so he could...* can just be: She stepped back so he could...
*He hated the way his voice sounded.* --- you haven't told us how it sounds - is he nervous, hoarse, whispering?
You should have started the snippet with "Do you want coffee" because there is pretty little to judge the kiss by. But I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteLove it! Great tone. I like seeing the kiss from a male POV. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI liked it. "She was like a painting. Exquisite." That kind of writing alays appeals to me. The art of the short sentence. The only part I'd change has a tell not show element...
ReplyDelete"He saw her step back..."
Just need... "She stepped back so he could come in..."
ZP