TITLE: Tales from a Tenth Grade Snitch
GENRE: YA
He moved closer, placing his hands on the wall above my shoulders. I felt like he was touching me but I knew he wasn’t. His breath warmed my cheek as he whispered in my ear. “Do you still want to kiss me?”
My head nodded as I knew it would. It was smarter than I was. Or maybe, more reckless. But at that exact moment, I didn’t care what he had done. I only cared about his lips meeting mine.
He brushed his right cheek against my left. The edges of our mouths almost touched. My lips parted instinctively.
He pulled away then leaned into my opposite ear. “Do you want it now?” he said.
His words slid into my ear like honey. I inhaled deeply. My head filled with his scent of musky sweat. Closing my eyes, I nodded again.
“Say it,” he commanded. “Say you want me to kiss you.”
My throat was dry. I swallowed hard. “I…I want you to kiss me.” I opened my mouth and waited.
Nothing.
I took a shallow breath then repeated my words with conviction. “I want you to kiss me.”
He leaned against me, his chest pressing my spine into a metal bar. I arched my back and his ribs grinded against mine. “Please,” I said with the last gulp of air in my lungs. “I really want you to kiss me.”
His lips tickled the bottom of my earlobe as he whispered a single word. “Good.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I love your voice, and I love this passage.
ReplyDeleteUm, yeah. :)
Wow. This is very naughty. Makes me giggle like a school girl. I'd like a little more sensory detail of how hot his body was, how did his cheek feel where it brushed hers and some emotion. But otherwise, the mechanics seem solid and I am sad I'm not reading the whole book...
ReplyDeleteI have nothing to say, but I had to comment, because... this is fantastic. So incredibly sexy.
ReplyDeleteSigh ... This is so well done, I was angry when it ended. I want to see more, darn it!
ReplyDeleteI will say one thing: I was confused as to how she seems pressed against a wall, but then her back is pushed against a bar. I have an image of a weight room or something like that, but I can't quite grab on to the setting. Granted, this is only 250 words, so it's probably you explain more of the scene earlier.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph is awkward. I would re-write it, but over all ok. Good mental picture but the dialogue is not doing it for me and I can’t exactly say why. Maybe I need more context or setup, I am not sure.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I would definitely read more. If for no other reason than to discover if he is a cad or not!
Ooooh, very sexy -- in an innocent way. The guy seems like a naughty bugger though, and I like that.
ReplyDeleteLoved it! The fifth paragraph kind of bugged me a bit but other than that, I really liked the exchange between the two characters.
ReplyDeleteHmm...I'd need more context on this one. He seems dominating and/or controlling.
ReplyDeleteOh come on! You stopped too soon! Where was the kiss?
ReplyDeleteThis isn't my preferred type of first kiss...but...well, I can't deny it's well written! :-)
ReplyDeleteI really like this scene. I want to read more!
ReplyDeleteThe guy comes off as a creep to me, so as long as that's what you're going for, good job.
ReplyDeleteDon't know if you could really call this a kiss, but I was very captivated. Great voice, great characters.
ReplyDeleteGood job. Yes, he's dominating and controlling, but it's great teasing and flirting. (I would be turned off if the whole story was him being this dominant, though.)
ReplyDeleteI did lose track of setting however. He placed his hands on the wall behind her, but then there wasn't a wall behind her, just a bar.