TITLE: Southern Hostility
GENRE: YA Dark Comedy
Salt. He tasted like salt.
He cupped his hand around my thigh, hiking my dress further up my leg. A bead of sweat rolled the length of my stomach. My hair fell in my face as I leaned over him. I pushed it back. Back. The way he kissed my neck was desperate.
Want.
This was supposed to be when all that sensory s*** kicked in. Smell, touch, taste, sound. I forced myself to think about it. His fingers slid down my back. All I could feel were his nails sinking into the fabric of my dress like cold pressure. I smelled sweat, my skin sliding against his. It mixed together; I wasn't sure I wanted that happening. My sweat, my pain. Mine.
I did things to try and make this work. He'd liked it before when I'd reached down, pulled the Duchuvony University baseball t-shirt over his head. Something about that was exciting, to know that this was going somewhere. Knowing that he would get something out of it. But why should it matter what he liked? It was supposed to be about what I liked, about my moment. I tried to concentrate on things I wanted—things that were all mine. His shoulders were perfect. Dark skin, tight muscles. It was like staring at a portrait in a museum. Beautiful, faraway, no real purpose.
He had a soft mouth, just enough touch. When he licked his lips, it was subtle. His whole process was subtle but felt so controlling.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hmm...I think this is well written, but I would want to read it AFTER I got to know the MC. Right now, I don't know anything about her.
ReplyDeleteI'd read a few more pages, but it's really at a not hooked right now.
Good luck with SA!
Erotica for high school girls? Just sayin'
ReplyDeleteErm... that's not erotica.
ReplyDeleteJust sayin'.
This scene is wonderful and intense but I would need to learn more about the MC right after this just so I can get a grasp on her as a person. However, I don't think total development of the MC in the first 250 is completely necessary. (But I'm sure you already know this!). The excitement you bring to this scene makes me want to continue and the writing is fabulous.
I second the previous comment - this is hardly erotica. A hot make-out scene yes - but not erotica. Maybe it's because it's so well written and has amazing imagery that makes it so intense. That said, I'm ready to keep reading. I like that you start right at the action and can't wait to get to know your MC better.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Erber. It's hard to get into the story when it starts with this. My other issue is that this is supposed to be a dark comedy, but there's nothing in this sample to suggest it. There seems to be a lot of missed opportunities for witty remarks or comedic prose. Overall, great description, it flows well, but I wouldn't read on. If you were to add some witty commentary to introduce who the MC is, then I might turn the page.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I'd keep reading because who stops reading in the middle of a sexy scene? I wasn't certain about the line, 'I did things to try and make this work' do you mean make the sex work? Or a relationship?
ReplyDeleteAs others have mentioned, so far there isn't anything funny about this. If I had read it without knowing your genre, I would have guessed YA Paranormal Romance.
Good luck
I really liked the first line and the writing is good. This is one of those ongoing questions that writers have- jump into the action or get to know the character first. I suppose for me the kiss would mean more if I knew the mc better, unless the kiss isn't actually important to the story but her need to feel the senses is.
ReplyDeleteNot sure if I'm hooked or not. I love the intensity, and the MC's inner dialog in this scene, and I think I'd like this scene if it were a little further in the book, when I got to know what makes her tick a little bit better (and it's certainly well-written).
ReplyDeleteI found this scene sexy, and there were many great lines. "My sweat, my pain. Me," was awesome, as was, "Beautiful, faraway, no real purpose." But my inner prude definitely did wonder if this was YA. It feels very adult. Maybe instead of the university t-shirt it's a high school one. Maybe they aren't quite so expert at this and there is an awkward moment to make them seem younger and infuse some humor. I don't know. Anyway, I like the writing, but the story didn't draw me in as much as I would have liked. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteI definitely liked the details and heat in the scene, and would read on a bit, but the genre makes me wonder if we shouldn't be seeing a touch of humor, however dark, right away? Could be just me (maybe missing it) and maybe it comes right after. Just a thought. ;)
ReplyDeleteThis is well written ... but strange. The fifth paragraph is confusing. A portrait in a museum is far away? His shoulders have no real purpose? By the sixth I'm a little worried this is going to get seriously kinky (and am assuming you repeated "subtle" on purpose).
ReplyDeleteOkay, I just need more of a clue where this going. Early on it felt as if it was going to be a paranormal ... it's titled comedy, but can't see this getting funny any time soon.
Color me puzzled. I'd take a peek at the next pages, just to see where this is going.
I'm hooked. I didn't see this as a scene of passion and lust. Your MC came off (to me) as very calculating. It felt like she wasn't doing what felt good. What she was doing was planned and had purpose and I am sooo wondering why.
ReplyDeleteMy only nit-pick is right after you mention sweating, you mention bodies sliding, and it's more likely they'd be sticking from the sweat, although that isn't as nice an inage as sliding.
Welll, I am not sure either. To me the inner dialogue kills any sexy feeling the scene might have; seems more like a girl who wants everything to go as planned rather than to be spontaneous. Not sure what the writer was going for. In any case, it's a little much for the first scene, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteThere were some interesting turns of phrase.
Opening with a possible sex scene was a definite turn off for me. I would want to know the MC and work up to this.
ReplyDeleteI think this could work as a first scene in a dark comedy if it was broken up a bit. Maybe the characters could try saying something to each other in the middle of this scene. I thought it was a great scene that would keep me reading, but it was sad, too. I can totally relate to this girl and I want to know what she'll do next.
ReplyDeleteIt's probably just me, but I didn't find the humor in this.
ReplyDeleteI'm also confused about what exactly is going on. Yeah, it's a seduction scene, but first you have her dress on, then her skin is against his. It's really confusing.
Where is this happening? Can you include a bit of setting?
Personally, I wouldn't read any further, but then, I'm not into this kind of writing.
I checked to make sure this was not erotic romance. Where are they? Why is this her moment?
ReplyDelete"Want" made me stop and ask, want what? Without it, the 1st and 2nd para flows better.
If this guy seems far away and has no purpose, what is she doing with him?
You have a nice voice. Perhaps if I knew her motivation, I would like her.
::reaches out:: Can I read more??
ReplyDeleteIf this is going where I THINK it's going, then I definitely want to read more. You can tell she's confused about how she's supposed to be feeling about every new touch and experience, which is exactly how most teens feel.