TITLE: The Keyhole in the Maple
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Jenna should never have opened the box.
She shouldn't have entered Matthew's room at all. If she'd slipped past to the bathroom like she'd said, none of it would have happened. But the door had been ajar, and the mystery inside had glowed at her, beckoning her to unravel the truth about him.
A secret she was never meant to know.
She lifted the lid of the box and saw a key, resting on the velvet cradle of the lining. It was worn, antique even, made of black iron with a single tooth and a round handle--sturdy, but plain. Threaded through the tiny loop was a thick coil of silver-and-gold ribbon, an extravagant band for a simple key that only stretched across her palm.
"What's it for?" Jenna whispered, her eyes scanning the clutter of porcelain dragons in Matthew's room. The key was too large for a diary, and she doubted Matthew kept one; boys didn't do that, did they? The key looked too small for a door.
"Jenna?" Matthew's voice called out from the bottom of the stairs. Jenna gasped, fumbling with the key and trying to replace it in the box with shaking hands. She heard his socked feet padding up the stairs. The box wouldn't close, silver-and-gold coils of ribbon snaking out the sides. Desperately she shoved the key into her back pocket, folding the ribbon over itself in a jumble and tugging the back of her sweater down.
The doorknob creaked open.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Well, I'm hooked. :) There's a few details I'm not clear on, like how (or if) Jenna and Matthew are related, or why his room is full of porcelain dragons. But I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteOne little nitpick - the fourth paragraph, with the description of the key, drags just a bit. I understand that it's important to know what the key looks like, but it's always risky to have too much description on the first page. Still, it definitely works for me.
Ugh, sorry for the double post!
ReplyDeleteGreat opening! I'd keep reading!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I love your title.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I love the writing and your voice.
Hooked!
Good luck with SA!
I really like the voice here! There is so much mystery - the box, the key, the secret...intriguing. Sneaking into someone's room while that someone is about to enter makes for great suspense. The only critical thing I can think of is I was a TAD confused on why Jenna was SO intrigued with such a simple key. (Wondering what it's for, scanning the room...)
ReplyDeleteOverall, I would definitely turn the page!
Good luck!
Great title. Sounds very mysterious in an antique sort of way. Good action, good intrigue, good tension. Well done, my friend. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. Good mystery and tension.
ReplyDeleteGreat first line! I also like the intrigue and the writing. My only criticism is that the last full paragraph has too many -ing words for my liking. I would definitely read on. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI love the hints of dragons and mystery. Just a small nitpick, did she close the door when she came into the room because later it creaks open? Or is it a different door? I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteWow, very nice. Great word choices. Good tension. Good foreshadowing. I think you nailed this opening. Is the rest of the ms this strong?
ReplyDeleteI understand wanting to use stand alone lines in openings, but the effect isn't appropriate here (for me, anyway). Otherwise, definitely want to read more.
ReplyDeleteHooked. There's not only a mystery here, it feels like mystery and suspense. Nice mood and tone. Loved the description of the key and how she fumbles to get it back in the box.
ReplyDeleteYou might consider rewriting the opening parg. as it happens. She walks by his room, sees the open door. I shouldn't go in but she does anyway, that way you eliminate the one place where you're telling us instead of showing us. Nicely done!
Oooo, somebody's in trouble. I would read on, though there was something about the first half of this that I didn't like. I know, that's about as helpful as asking for directions from a blind man. Maybe because I want to know more... and there's no more?
ReplyDeleteI liked this too, but sneaking into a sibling's room to see a mystery box didn't feel YA to me; this seems like MG to me.
ReplyDeleteHooked. I love over-curious girls and I loved the description of the key. The whole scene put me right there and I felt I was with Jenna, fumbling to get the key back in the box.
ReplyDeleteThe only problem for me was the very beginning. "It she'd slipped past..." that sentence felt awkward to me. Is it a flashback?
Good luck!
It felt a little young to me, but I'd probably keep reading a few pages to see if it hooked me.
ReplyDelete