TITLE: Netherpoint
GENRE: Upper MG Fantasy
People who are afraid of water should never live on an island.
Of course, Evelyn Madden had never told anyone about her fear of the ocean. No one seemed to notice when she hung back on the beach, never allowing anything past her knees to get wet. During the school year, when McFaegen-Doughty was crammed with students and schedules and little free time, it was easier. In the summertime, though, when nobody was supposed to be there, it was hard to hide from the ocean’s call. And during the past two months, Evelyn had used every excuse she could think of to avoid joining Wade and Darrin on their watery excursions, most of which were expressly forbidden.
Today, she had run out of excuses.
“You can sit in the middle,” Darrin said as he and Wade lowered the small boat onto the sand. “On the bottom, if you want.”
Evelyn looked inside the boat at the narrow seat in the middle. “I wouldn’t mind watching from the shore.”
“Come on, Evelyn,” Wade said. “Give us a hand.”
They pushed the boat into the lagoon until it stopped scraping the sand and began to bob in the shallows. Evelyn looked at Wade—tall, confident, thick hair tied back in a red bandanna—and reminded herself that she wanted to be there, not left alone in the girls’ dorm with nobody but the doting Miss Lila for company.
Get in the boat before they give up on you.
The lagoon, silently foreboding despite its beauty, curled around the boat as they made their way toward the center. Evelyn grasped the edges, bracing her arms in order to stay balanced.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Okay, who is Kate? That name threw me off at the end. I thought her name was Evelyn?
ReplyDeleteBesides that though, I like the undercurrent of tension you've built here. I would definitely keep reading.
Good luck.
I'd keep reading, though I wonder if it wouldn't be better to show us Evelyn is afraid of the water rather than telling us.
ReplyDeleteI like this mysterious beginning. I'd read on to find out why Evelyn is afraid of the water. I like the description of the lagoon, and I can relate to Evelyn's desire to fit in with her friends while at the same time being afraid to do so.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was pretty strong overall. I'd read on to see if the boys she's trying to impress realize she's scared. I'd like a bit more suggestion as to what this story's about overall. I'd maybe start with the Darrin trying to coax her into the boat, have you intersperse that with more description of her reluctance, then maybe once she's in the boat, launch into the telling that you do in the first and second paras.
ReplyDeleteAnother island one! (I'm reading backwards.) I really liked this. I think it has a good mixture of showing and telling and the writing is great.
ReplyDeleteI like the opening sentence and the overall idea. I questioned the language sometimes--thinking it felt more YA than MG. I know you are saying upper MG, but it feels like YA to me.
ReplyDeleteI liked this, but the first few paragraphs seemed to tell the story instead of showing. Maybe start with action or dialogue, then add that part in thoughts. I liked the story though and would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI also thought it read more like Y/A than MG.
I'd keep reading. I like the voice. I agree with the comments about showing she's nervous about the water instead of telling. Let the reader discover it.
ReplyDeleteDitto the confusion on who "Kate" is (if it's not just a typo), but I'm intrigued by the situation and the voice is nice.
ReplyDeleteLove it. Probably only me gets slightly jarred by a character named Wade and his watery excursions. And I'd say "to stay balanced" instead of "in order to stay balanced," but that's possibly also just me. Would definitely keep reading. (Of course I have no clue if the language and pacing is suitable for Upper MG.)
ReplyDeleteI like this. I thought the voice was very MG--her concerns are MG and the language is very smooth.
ReplyDeleteNot sure about this one. The writing is solid and there is nothing "wrong" with it. But it just doesn't say "read more" to me. That said, the internal conflict you've built within the MC would allow me to give you a few more pages to see what's what here. And I guess that's the point to the first page--to get you to the next. So, kudos for that. Now let's hope that second and third page "speaks" to the reader, or better yet, that it YELLS, "Read the rest!"
ReplyDeleteThe opening parg is in an omniscient pov and the rest seems to be Evelyn's. You might want to keep the whole thing in Evelyn's POV and start with the boys coaxing her into the boat. Then show us she's afraid of the water.
ReplyDeletePerhaps also give us a hint of where they're headed or what they're up to, what trouble they might encounter. As is, it's in the realm of average and ordinary. Nothing compels me to read on.
I thought the writing was vivid and smooth, and you have a lot of good questions and tension developing. Suggest dropping the first sentence and the "Of course," from the second sentence.
ReplyDeleteI wish we knew why she was afraid of water; however if it's explained in the following pages, then that would be great. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDelete