TITLE: The Gulf of New Mexico
GENRE: Middle Grades
Addison spit blood on the rocks. He struggled to his feet and then swayed backward before he righted the weight of his top-heavy, red backpack. All around Addison were boulders the size of small cars, and the lake water lapped against them. He squinted and looked up to the rock ledge, the one that he was pushed off. Addison couldn't hear any voices, and the silence crawled over him like spiders.
For the past ten days this small Canadian island on Lake Horntide was alive with the laughter and shouts of 36 middle school boys. Now nothing.
Addison Willows knew about islands in a way that most boys know how to retrieve a stray ball from behind a locked gate. He lived with his grandparents on a small island in a vast Kentucky lake. Living on a private island didn't mean he was wealthy. There was nothing envious about Sleek Tartan Island. It was more of an accidental island with no trees and lousy soil that was good for two things: growing cacti and making concrete. About sixty years ago someone said that to his grandfather as a saw-toothed joke, but Addison's grandfather was not a humorist. He accepted it as the practical advice that it was. So that's what he did for a living: grew cacti and made concrete statues.
On all fours, Addison climbed a steep rock and reached a scraggly dirt trail that snaked across the island and back toward the campsite.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You had me at "Addison"- my all time favorite boy name. Fantastic choice! I'd read on ....
ReplyDeleteThis line is not the least bit clear: "Addison Willows knew about islands in a way that most boys know how to retrieve a stray ball from behind a locked gate." How so? Otherwise, I'd keep reading hoping to get hooked after this excerpt, but not for long.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this snippet. I liked the setting, and the protagonist. I'd read on to see why he was pushed off that ledge. Great beginning!
ReplyDeleteI've been to ken lake and i now live near the desert, so I'm a bit unconvinced about the growing cacti part on the island. i am also unsure why the protag seems so unaffected after getting pushed off a cliff. The lack of emotional reaction and the telling later make this entry a bit disjointed for me.
ReplyDeleteI think there's a few too many elements introduced here. He's just been pushed off a cliff on a Canadian island, he's thinking about his island in Kentucky and his grandfather... I'd prefer this to focus on one thing, like him being pushed off the cliff. I think you could cut the whole third paragraph and insert that information later in the story.
ReplyDeleteLove the opening. The second to last paragraph could use some tightening though. I felt it took away from the excitement you created in the paragraphs surrounding it.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a good blend of action and character development. And I like the tone. I agree you need to trim the second to last paragraph. It took me away from the story too long.
ReplyDeleteYou used Addison's name 3 times in the first paragraph. I felt like it was too much.
ReplyDeleteThere is more description of the island in Kentucky than the island he's on now. That feels strange.
I'd want to know, right up front, more about why/how Addison was pushed off the cliff than about his island home in Kentucky.
I'm intrigued now, by what might have happened to the other boys in his group and why he was pushed. i also like the fact that we've got a boy's pov and the voice itself.
ReplyDeleteThis seems a trifle uneven, and there's nothing yet to pull the reader in. If something ominous has happened to the 36 boys, I'd like to see more of a hint about it.
ReplyDeleteA bit too much geography for a first page - the small Canadian island on Lake Horntide (probably don't need to know about the lake yet) - and the small island in a vast Kentucky lake, Sleek Tartan Island. The cacti and concrete stuff is interesting, but it's odd to read these details about the place he isn't when we don't yet know much about where he is.
I'd read more to see where this is going, but I think it needs focusing.
I like this, but I'd ditch the last paragraph or two. I don't care right now about who he lives with. WHy is he here and what will be the conflict/problem to carry him through? Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteNice opening pargs. The first two set him in a locale and in a situation. He's just been pushed off a cliff, and his classmates have all disappeared. Exciting and mysterious.
ReplyDeleteNow put yourself in his place. Are you going to be thinking about the place you grew up, or are you thinking - who pushed me and where is everybody else?
Cut the whole kentucky thing, because somewhere down the line, there will be a quiet spot where he's talking to somene else, and he can tell them about the island then. Right now, you have action, mystery and suspense working for you. Don't let the back story kill it all.
I think i agree with everyone else - hazard of commenting late :)
ReplyDeleteYou had me with the very first line and then lost me with the first line of the third paragraph. The tense switch through me way out of the story, wondering why and if that's correct. But I love the premise, a little bit of a Kidnapped meets Lord of the Flies. I'd probably read on because I love a good YA/MG with a male POV. Just some tightening IMHO.
I think i agree with everyone else - hazard of commenting late :)
ReplyDeleteYou had me with the very first line and then lost me with the first line of the third paragraph. The tense switch through me way out of the story, wondering why and if that's correct. But I love the premise, a little bit of a Kidnapped meets Lord of the Flies. I'd probably read on because I love a good YA/MG with a male POV. Just some tightening IMHO.
The voice doesn't really grab my attention. This one of those 'simply not for me' moments, unfortunately.
ReplyDelete