Ouch! Sounds to me like a sister yelling at her little brother. Did I guess right?
Some people may have issues with a line of dialogue as their introduction to a story. I think, if done right, it gives you good insight into the speaker's personality. That's definitely coming through here!
One suggestion: maybe just one threat would tighten it up a little bit. I'd end at 'rip out your spine.'
I'm hooked by this. It made me laugh out loud. The only thing I would consider changing is 'I will' to 'I'll' just because I think the contraction, rather than proper english, sounds more realistic in this context.
Great start! Your character is in a situation, I'm getting a feel for the type of person she is, and the ripping out of the soul gets the paranormal aspect in right away.
Great opening dialogue. I agree with the other suggestion above to use the contraction of "I'll" to make the dialogue more natural. However, the character comes across well, and I hope this is the protagonist speaking.
I definately would read on. I like the voice and it works with the genre. I'd have to read more to know if starting this story with dialogue is really the best choice. But I'm hooked.
Ouch! Sounds to me like a sister yelling at her little brother. Did I guess right?
ReplyDeleteSome people may have issues with a line of dialogue as their introduction to a story. I think, if done right, it gives you good insight into the speaker's personality. That's definitely coming through here!
One suggestion: maybe just one threat would tighten it up a little bit. I'd end at 'rip out your spine.'
I'm hooked by this. It made me laugh out loud. The only thing I would consider changing is 'I will' to 'I'll' just because I think the contraction, rather than proper english, sounds more realistic in this context.
ReplyDeleteHooked! I hope the MC is the one talking, because she sounds like a fun character to read about! :)
ReplyDeleteGreat start! Your character is in a situation, I'm getting a feel for the type of person she is, and the ripping out of the soul gets the paranormal aspect in right away.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening dialogue. I agree with the other suggestion above to use the contraction of "I'll" to make the dialogue more natural. However, the character comes across well, and I hope this is the protagonist speaking.
ReplyDeleteI definately would read on. I like the voice and it works with the genre. I'd have to read more to know if starting this story with dialogue is really the best choice. But I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice! I would also change "I will" to "I'll". I like it.
ReplyDeleteNice voice! I agree with the I'll change. Is this YA? It has that feel. I would definitely read on :)
ReplyDeleteHooked! I actually laughed out loud. I agree with the I'll change as well.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
holy crap I want to read this.
ReplyDeletenice!
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