I like that you are going straight for senses here, but find it confusing that the MC hears the water and that makes him feel chilly. If "It" is not referring to the water, you should reword.
At first I pictured a leaky pipe in a bedroom. Then the chilly dampness put that bedroom in a cave. Not sure if that's what you intended or not. Doesn't sound like a comfortable place to spend the night.
Water trickled beneath my bed. It(Say what 'it' is - the bed, the water, the air - and add a location - in the room/cave) was chilly and the dampness ( what dampness? You've just described the air as chilly. Perhaps instead of chilly you use a word that means damp or say chilly and damp.) clung to me like a second skin.
This has potential to be very cool, but it isn't quite there for me as is.
I'm not sure where the main character is in the bedroom. Laying down, just walking into the room, sitting at his desk . . . It would work better for me if I was in the main character's pov and felt the chill and then was told about the water.
I think the "I could hear" is superfluous, and ditto for the "It was". ie with very little effort I think you could tighten this up and bring the reader right into the scene. An easy fix.
I am really wondering why the water is trickling under the bed, and even more WHY THE MC IS STAYING IN THE BED, even though there is water under running under it. Why would the MC stay there? Why wouldn't he/she get the heck out of there? THAT is what will make me keep reading to the end of the chapter.
I like that you are going straight for senses here, but find it confusing that the MC hears the water and that makes him feel chilly. If "It" is not referring to the water, you should reword.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to say but my first thought was she wet the bed. Once I realized what was going on, I'm intrigued!
ReplyDeleteAt first I pictured a leaky pipe in a bedroom. Then the chilly dampness put that bedroom in a cave. Not sure if that's what you intended or not. Doesn't sound like a comfortable place to spend the night.
ReplyDeleteI dig the title though!
I like the atmospheric start. I'm intrigued.
ReplyDeleteIt's passive and unclear. Perhaps
ReplyDeleteWater trickled beneath my bed. It(Say what 'it' is - the bed, the water, the air - and add a location - in the room/cave) was chilly and the dampness ( what dampness? You've just described the air as chilly. Perhaps instead of chilly you use a word that means damp or say chilly and damp.) clung to me like a second skin.
This has potential to be very cool, but it isn't quite there for me as is.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure where the main character is in the bedroom. Laying down, just walking into the room, sitting at his desk . . . It would work better for me if I was in the main character's pov and felt the chill and then was told about the water.
I think the "I could hear" is superfluous, and ditto for the "It was". ie with very little effort I think you could tighten this up and bring the reader right into the scene. An easy fix.
ReplyDeleteAgree with Karen.
ReplyDeleteAnd like the others, enjoy you going for our senses.
Atmospheric.
ReplyDeleteBut it could be phrased so the reader is immediately clear as to the import of the water beneath the bed.
The title is brilliant.
I am really wondering why the water is trickling under the bed, and even more WHY THE MC IS STAYING IN THE BED, even though there is water under running under it. Why would the MC stay there? Why wouldn't he/she get the heck out of there?
ReplyDeleteTHAT is what will make me keep reading to the end of the chapter.
Great opening -- really vivid images and senses.
ReplyDeletenice!
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