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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

25 Words #20

TITLE: Sir Johnny, Knight of Mommy's Kitchen Table
GENRE: Picture Book

"Mommy, are you a princess?" Johnny asks coming into the kitchen.

"Yes. I suppose I am," Mommy replies.

"Then I am your knight,"
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14 comments:

  1. Amanda SunJune 22, 2010 at 11:44 AM

    Very cute! I love the idea. As a mother myself, though, I was expecting a little more amusement/surprise/adoration from the mother at this question. Something more like, "Oh! Well, I guess I am."

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  2. fairchildJune 22, 2010 at 12:17 PM

    I smiled when I read this. Very nice.

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  3. Vincent KaleJune 22, 2010 at 12:28 PM

    Cute! 'nuff said.

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  4. MomwomanJune 22, 2010 at 1:24 PM

    Nope. Sorry to disagree, but Mommies are Queens!
    I also wanted a pause from Mom.

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  5. MKJune 22, 2010 at 2:44 PM

    I agree with Amanda about expecting more of a reaction from the mother. It sounds like she may be preoccupied with something (which is maybe what you were going for).

    But this is really just adorable. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. TKAstleJune 22, 2010 at 3:20 PM

    LOVE your title!

    ReplyDelete
  7. VJune 22, 2010 at 3:46 PM

    I like this start. I'd read more.

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  8. H. GrantJune 22, 2010 at 3:59 PM

    Cute beginning!

    A few suggestions:

    "Mommy, are you a princess?" Johnny asks [COMMA NEEDED] coming into the kitchen.

    "Then I am your knight,"...
    I would change to "Then I'm your knight,"
    People usually talk in contractions, not whole words.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  9. BarbaraJune 22, 2010 at 5:28 PM

    It mght be stronger if he simply announces to Mom that's she a princess and he's her knight.

    By starting with the question, the focus falls on what her answer will be, rather than staying on Johnny, the Knight. If she says no, Johnny's crushed. If she says yes, the next question is why? What makes her a princess? Kids know their moms aren't prncesses and they'll wonder why this mom is.

    If he just says Mom is a princess and he is a knight, it's automatically assumed he's pretending.

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  10. AnonymousJune 22, 2010 at 11:57 PM

    Sure, it would be cute if a kid said that, but ... I hate to be the lone dissenter, but the opening seems a little too cute for a pb. Who is the intended audience? If it's preschoolers, I'm not sure they want to read about some other kid being adorable. They'd rather experience the adventure from the main character's perspective.

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  11. Sharon K. MayhewJune 23, 2010 at 12:52 AM

    It's cute. I do hope that the child is the main character though. Kids want to read about kids, not grown ups. Grown ups can be in the story, but kids must be the problem solvers.

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  12. Laura PolkJune 23, 2010 at 10:10 AM

    I like this, and I always love children's stories where boys are the main character--hard to find!

    I might use some more action oriented words like "running through" instead of "coming into", as boys often do. And, instead of Mommy replies, I might have her do something too, like "smiles", so we know she is just playing along.

    Cute.

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  13. shehapJune 24, 2010 at 8:44 PM

    Love this. My five year old girl does this kind of thing all the time. But, yes, she's more inclined to simply tell me that she is a princess, and therefore I am a king.
    I do hope the mommy plays along a bit (dubbing him, or something). So many picture books have children playing alone. They always make me a little sad.

    ReplyDelete
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