TITLE: BITTER CHERRIES
GENRE: YA Fantasy
He wasn't the first to stand on that precipice. Situated right where
the stream of glacial runoff plunged from the mountain's edge, it was
popular with the jumpers.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
I liked the imagery but the phrasing was a little clunky for me. Here's a suggestion:
ReplyDeleteHe wasn't the first to stand on that precipice, right where the glacial runoff plunged from the mountain's edge. It was popular with the jumpers.
Leaves me wondering why he's jumping. That's enough for me to keep reading!
Oh, I LIKE this - precipice and jumpers in the first 25 words. I'm totally hooked.
ReplyDeleteLoving the imagery. Hooked!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely enjoyed the imagery and left wondering about whether he's a jumper.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence let's us know he's a jumper, and kills the surprise of the last sentence.
ReplyDeletePerhaps --
He stood on the precipice, right where the stream of glacial runoff plunged from the mountain's edge into (whatever it plunged into.) It was popular with jumpers.
My first thought was that he was jumping to kill himself, but now I'm thinking the jump will take us into the fantasy. In any case, I read more.
Nice - I'm very interested to read on!
ReplyDeleteI like it just the way it reads. Great imagery and I would want to keep reading to see if he jumps and how that simple decision will change his life.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Good job. Yep, it needs a little tidying - but you know what, it works. It leaves the reader wanting more information, and surely that's what all great hooks do?
ReplyDeleteLove the setting and I'd definately read on.
ReplyDeleteI like Barbara's rewording suggestion, and I suggest you name the character instead of using 'he'. A name would have put me even more firmly in the mc head.
ReplyDeletenice!
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