One small suggestion: I would rewrite to do away with the apostrophe hanging in space after burros' -- the manes of the burros froze, or even call them donkeys.
Good opening, but it could be even better if you gave us more. Tell us why the snow's black. I can picture black snow, but it makes me wonder why it's black. If you say black from soot or ash, I have a specific image in my head and I'm in your world instead of trying to figure it out.
Instead of the burros having frozen manes, take the description a bit further. Show us the icicles hanging from the strands of hair.
A close-up sucks us in deeper than a panoramic view.
I'm going to agree with Barbara. I think clarity instead of mystery would make this great opening even stronger. Love the details and that it's horror. Great choices of interesting details.
Black snow is a great place to start. I feel the cold and the dirt.
ReplyDeleteAgreed with the above comments. Love the dark/cold imagery!
ReplyDeleteGreat imagery to start, and leaves me wanting to know more.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing start.
ReplyDeleteOne small suggestion: I would rewrite to do away with the apostrophe hanging in space after burros' -- the manes of the burros froze, or even call them donkeys.
Great - curious about the black snow. It makes me think perhaps they were near a coal mine or other similar thing.
ReplyDeleteI agree with H. Grant, otherwise, I would check out the next few sentences to see what it was all about!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Good opening, but it could be even better if you gave us more. Tell us why the snow's black. I can picture black snow, but it makes me wonder why it's black. If you say black from soot or ash, I have a specific image in my head and I'm in your world instead of trying to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteInstead of the burros having frozen manes, take the description a bit further. Show us the icicles hanging from the strands of hair.
A close-up sucks us in deeper than a panoramic view.
I'm going to agree with Barbara. I think clarity instead of mystery would make this great opening even stronger. Love the details and that it's horror. Great choices of interesting details.
ReplyDeleteI don't read much horror. But I liked the visual I got on your opener. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks...
ReplyDeleteI like the icicles idea.
"apostrophe hanging" could easily change with the ice.
And yes, it's a coal mine.
Tell us about the coal mine in the next paragraph or two - let the 'black snow' image hang in the reader's memory for a moment first. Very evocative.
ReplyDeleteVery good imagery -- really creates a sense of setting.
ReplyDeletenice!
ReplyDeleteviagra bekasi
alat bantu seks jakarta
hammer of thor asli bekasi
viagra cod bekasi
jual viagra cod bekasi
hammer of thor cod bekasi
viagra asli cod bekasi
obat perangsang bekasi
alat bantu sex bekasi