I really love the imagery here. The idea of mud weighing as much as a fully armored knight is awesome. I wonder if the book actually has a fantasy/historical factor to it?
I'm quite curious what's in the clump of mud that would make it that heavy. Maybe a gold bar? Or is it metaphorical weight, like some kind of stolen mud?
I want to know: a) why there's a clump of mud in the apron? b) where is the MC running to? c) what do these things have to do with each other?
Great imagery. I think the first sentence needs a bit of a tweak since the way it literally reads is that your MC is carrying a knight in full armor in her apron. I know (I think) what image you're trying to get a cross but it's just a bit rough in the phrasing. Perhaps: The clump of mud in my apron felt so heavy, it was as if I were knight in full armor, ...
I liked it, except ... all I could think was "you can't fit a knight in full armor into your apron". I think I might rather appreciate something heavy that COULD fit into an apron, so that the comparison doesn't bring me out of the story. Of course, I also can't come up with good examples of what I mean! :) A pile of bricks? Gold bars? A pig? A pile of rocks? Pfft. :)
I can't imagine a clump of mud being as heavy as a knight in full armor. And unless there's something in that mud, I can't imagine why she wouldn't shake it off her apron.
Assuming there's something important or interesting in that clump, I would suggest using the last half of the sentence to say that. Instead of saying she had to run the last few steps, say why this clump matters, or say something about it to pique our interest.
If the clump isn't important and she's being chased, then those last few steps probably do matter more.
I'm curious and would read on, but I think the sentences could be clearer.
I'm not sure what you mean by 'mud in her apron'. Do you mean she has a clump of mud in her pocket or does she have the apron off and has wrapped mud up in it? Or are you trying to say the apron is mud covered and that its weight makes her feel like she is running in armor?
I'm making myself sound dense, but it wasn't clear to me and I wanted it to be.
Love the idea of a really heavy clump of mud. It's so odd I'd keep reading just to find out why the protagonist is running about with mud.
And while the comparison between the mud-filled apron and a knight in full armour is an interesting one, your sentence structure makes it seem like the MUD is as heavy as a knight, like she's carrying a knight around in her apron. Which is a very strange and jarring image.
I liked that she compared the clump of mud to a knight in full armour. It gave me an immediate idea of the setting without you having to tell me. 'The last few steps' didn't quite work for me though. It sounds as though she's walked most of the way and now she just has to run a few steps. Is that what you mean? If you meant it to read that she's nearly at her destination and she only has to run a few more steps I'd reword it. I'd keep reading though.
I really love the imagery here. The idea of mud weighing as much as a fully armored knight is awesome. I wonder if the book actually has a fantasy/historical factor to it?
ReplyDeleteInteresting choice of visuals. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm quite curious what's in the clump of mud that would make it that heavy. Maybe a gold bar? Or is it metaphorical weight, like some kind of stolen mud?
ReplyDeleteI want to know:
ReplyDeletea) why there's a clump of mud in the apron?
b) where is the MC running to?
c) what do these things have to do with each other?
Great imagery. I think the first sentence needs a bit of a tweak since the way it literally reads is that your MC is carrying a knight in full armor in her apron. I know (I think) what image you're trying to get a cross but it's just a bit rough in the phrasing. Perhaps:
The clump of mud in my apron felt so heavy, it was as if I were knight in full armor, ...
I liked it, except ... all I could think was "you can't fit a knight in full armor into your apron". I think I might rather appreciate something heavy that COULD fit into an apron, so that the comparison doesn't bring me out of the story. Of course, I also can't come up with good examples of what I mean! :) A pile of bricks? Gold bars? A pig? A pile of rocks? Pfft. :)
ReplyDeleteNice images - I'm wondering why the clump of mud is important enough to keep in her apron.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Vincent - love the imagery you're trying for, but would rethink the way you've said it for clarity. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine a clump of mud being as heavy as a knight in full armor. And unless there's something in that mud, I can't imagine why she wouldn't shake it off her apron.
ReplyDeleteAssuming there's something important or interesting in that clump, I would suggest using the last half of the sentence to say that. Instead of saying she had to run the last few steps, say why this clump matters, or say something about it to pique our interest.
If the clump isn't important and she's being chased, then those last few steps probably do matter more.
I’m presuming you meant she felt like she was running in full amour, but that’s not how it reads. If it was clearer, I'd love the opening.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious and would read on, but I think the sentences could be clearer.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what you mean by 'mud in her apron'. Do you mean she has a clump of mud in her pocket or does she have the apron off and has wrapped mud up in it? Or are you trying to say the apron is mud covered and that its weight makes her feel like she is running in armor?
I'm making myself sound dense, but it wasn't clear to me and I wanted it to be.
Love the idea of a really heavy clump of mud. It's so odd I'd keep reading just to find out why the protagonist is running about with mud.
ReplyDeleteAnd while the comparison between the mud-filled apron and a knight in full armour is an interesting one, your sentence structure makes it seem like the MUD is as heavy as a knight, like she's carrying a knight around in her apron. Which is a very strange and jarring image.
I liked that she compared the clump of mud to a knight in full armour. It gave me an immediate idea of the setting without you having to tell me. 'The last few steps' didn't quite work for me though. It sounds as though she's walked most of the way and now she just has to run a few steps. Is that what you mean? If you meant it to read that she's nearly at her destination and she only has to run a few more steps I'd reword it. I'd keep reading though.
ReplyDeletenice!
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