I think you either want to go with "golden bull's eye" or "gold bullseye" because the way it's written, it sounds like there's literally a cow's eye made of gold in the center of the target. If that's what you mean,you probably want "golden". Otherwise if it's just a bullseye go with the second.
I'm going to go against the grain here. I think you've tried to tell us too much in one sentence and would be inclined to split it in two. eg after "arrow". Then rearrange/tighten the second sentence: "Thirty feet away she could see the gold bullseye of the target."
I had the same thought as Maggie. Make it two sentences. It works, I think. It's just a heck of a mouthful to read and two sentences will make it easier.
Samantha Liffey peered down the shaft of her arrow. Thirty feet away, the target's gold bullseye stared back.
I like the way you get right into the story, but agree about the two sentences. A young girl with a bow and arrow would be a great read for boys as well as girls. I would definitely read on.
Agree about bullseye - it took me a minute to realize she wasn't shooting a bull. That said, love opening with a girl archer, and my daughter would love that, too. :)
I agree about the bullseye. I'm another one who thought it was literally a bull's eye she was shooting, at first. I was picturing a golden bull statue until I figured it out. If that was fixed I'd read on.
I think you either want to go with
ReplyDelete"golden bull's eye"
or
"gold bullseye"
because the way it's written, it sounds like there's literally a cow's eye made of gold in the center of the target. If that's what you mean,you probably want "golden". Otherwise if it's just a bullseye go with the second.
I like the title though.
I'm also struggling here - I thought at first she was shooting at a golden bull - and was a little disappointed to find out it was only a target.
ReplyDeleteEchoing the above comments. Other than that slight confusion, I like this opening.
ReplyDeleteGood beginning. I'd keep reading. Great title.
ReplyDeleteOne nit pick: unless the character is fairly young, she would probably be standing farther then 30 feet as this is actually quite close.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, nice start, I'd continue.
I'm going to go against the grain here. I think you've tried to tell us too much in one sentence and would be inclined to split it in two. eg after "arrow". Then rearrange/tighten the second sentence: "Thirty feet away she could see the gold bullseye of the target."
ReplyDeleteI had the same thought as Maggie. Make it two sentences. It works, I think. It's just a heck of a mouthful to read and two sentences will make it easier.
ReplyDeleteSamantha Liffey peered down the shaft of her arrow. Thirty feet away, the target's gold bullseye stared back.
The title would hook me. I love it!
ReplyDeleteI like the way you get right into the story, but agree about the two sentences. A young girl with a bow and arrow would be a great read for boys as well as girls. I would definitely read on.
The sentence need a bit of tinkering as others have pointed out, but I think this is a great beginning. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteGreat title and character name... the target thing didn't grab me, but there's certainly a tension there. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI think you need a little rewording. I thought your mc was shooting a bull with a golden eye in the eye.
ReplyDeleteAgree about bullseye - it took me a minute to realize she wasn't shooting a bull. That said, love opening with a girl archer, and my daughter would love that, too. :)
ReplyDeleteMany dittos. Love the title!
ReplyDeleteI agree about the bullseye. I'm another one who thought it was literally a bull's eye she was shooting, at first. I was picturing a golden bull statue until I figured it out. If that was fixed I'd read on.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
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