Yep, I agree that the names slowed it down - firstly because there are two names in the one sentence, which I struggled with, but also because they're unusual names so I stumbled on them. But other than that I LOVE it. Good job.
Does the main character always think of the named characters by their entire names? Is this a cultural thing that will be used through the entire novel? If the names were shortened the first sentence would have worked better for me.
I like this. Leaves me wondering who these folks are, and why he deserved slapping. I'd keep reading to find out. The names do pull me out, but I think it's just because they are long names. If it was 'Bob' and 'Mary' I don't think I would blink.
I agree with the names, unless as PatEsden said, your narrator always thinks of these characters by their full names. Otherwise it sounds a bit unnatural to me. I'd use one of their names each. Other than that, it's good. I'd read on to find out why he was slapped and see if I agree that he deserved it :-)
The names slow me down - I'm not a fan of names early on - but I'd keep reading!
ReplyDeleteHaha. I love the last part, but I do agree the names stumble me a little.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments about the names but it's a minor stumbling point. Otherwise I like this intro!
ReplyDeleteI also agree about the names, but I like the character's voice. Hooked!
ReplyDeleteNice start! Plenty of conflict to keep the reader interested.
ReplyDeleteGood job, even with the clunky names!
ReplyDeleteLove it!
ReplyDeleteYep, I agree that the names slowed it down - firstly because there are two names in the one sentence, which I struggled with, but also because they're unusual names so I stumbled on them. But other than that I LOVE it. Good job.
ReplyDeleteRather than telling us this, why not show us your MC in this situation so we can see Saeda slap Yuu ourselves.
ReplyDeleteDoing that would introduce your characters as more than names and it would also put us in a location which helps to ground us in your world.
It works for me. I love the title, too. Makes me think of Anime artists duking it out.
ReplyDeleteI like it.
ReplyDeleteDoes the main character always think of the named characters by their entire names? Is this a cultural thing that will be used through the entire novel? If the names were shortened the first sentence would have worked better for me.
I liked it, but the names were a bit difficult for me.
ReplyDeleteAs with the other commenters, I like it but stumbled on the names.
ReplyDeletePatEsden makes a good point. If you shortened the names to one name for each character, it would flow better and make for less stumbling. Maybe none.
I like this. Leaves me wondering who these folks are, and why he deserved slapping. I'd keep reading to find out.
ReplyDeleteThe names do pull me out, but I think it's just because they are long names. If it was 'Bob' and 'Mary' I don't think I would blink.
I agree with the names, unless as PatEsden said, your narrator always thinks of these characters by their full names. Otherwise it sounds a bit unnatural to me. I'd use one of their names each. Other than that, it's good. I'd read on to find out why he was slapped and see if I agree that he deserved it :-)
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
viagra bekasi
alat bantu seks jakarta
hammer of thor asli bekasi
viagra cod bekasi
jual viagra cod bekasi
hammer of thor cod bekasi
viagra asli cod bekasi
obat perangsang bekasi
alat bantu sex bekasi