I would read more. I really like this. My only concern is the placement of eventually in the first line. For me, it would work better after the comma (but that's just me). Other than that I love these lines.
Is the dark just that, darkness? Then why would it be hunted? If it's something else, maybe it should be capitalized. Or, if the dark is just a place being sought after or searched for, maybe 'hunt' is the wrong word.
I like the imagery of darkness surrounding, enveloping and invading the hunter. I just think it needs to be cleaned up a bit.
I agree that "eventually" would be better after the comma. And I would change "gets in you" to simply "gets you" - that way you've got the repeat of the phrase at end and start of sentence which, IMO, has more impact. Love the last sentence, BTW :)
What's to hunt? The dark is always there. And how do you capture it? How does it get into you? How do you chase it?
This does have a creepy tone to it, deliciously creepy, but it doesn't really say anything. I could be reading about any person/vampire/zombie in any location in this world or any other world. It was just too vague for me.
This opening doesn't set well with me. I read a novel that stated similar ideas in it, so the "hunting the dark," "need the chase," and "the thrill" seem to be cliche. At first I thought of hunting vampires. But what exactly is being hunted? Also, I'm not a fan of directly addressing the reader "you hunt" and "gets in you." I usually get sidetracked and think that "no, I do not hunt" and that I probably cannot identify with the character. Make these actions and emotions belong to the character.
This has a lyrical quality that makes me think of poetry. I'd switch the latter part of the first sentence to say, "it eventually enters you," but, "gets in you" is more in tune with the voice.
I like it. I didn't have any problem with hunting the dark - it made me want to read on to see what the dark is specifically. I would definitely read on.
I like it too. My only comment is that "it gets in you eventually." Could you say that a different way? (it becomes part of you? you have no choice you need it. You need the chase...)
I was only kind of hooked. I like the idea, but "the dark" as the subject of a hunter was too vague. I get what you're doing (esp. combined with the title), but I think it'd better if it were more specific. Something like:
"When you hunt nightwings long enough, it changes you. It gets so you need it, need the chase, the thrill, the kill."
You know what I like about this? How it subtly involves the reader without seeming unnatural. The main character is implying that the dark has gotten into him (or her?) but they never SAY that. They say the dark has gotten into YOU, dear reader, and there's nothing you can do about it. Very creepy beginning.
I would read more. I really like this. My only concern is the placement of eventually in the first line. For me, it would work better after the comma (but that's just me). Other than that I love these lines.
ReplyDeleteOh, wow. Hooked. This submission creates interest in a genre I adore.
ReplyDeleteYes I want more.
Good job!
Totally hooked. I really wanted to read more.
ReplyDeleteIs the dark just that, darkness? Then why would it be hunted? If it's something else, maybe it should be capitalized. Or, if the dark is just a place being sought after or searched for, maybe 'hunt' is the wrong word.
ReplyDeleteI like the imagery of darkness surrounding, enveloping and invading the hunter. I just think it needs to be cleaned up a bit.
Great imagery, although I'm not a fan of rhyming words (i.e. thrill, kill) so close together. That always jars me a bit, but that may just be me.
ReplyDeleteThat aside, I'd read on!
Nice. Like the above poster, I don't love the rhyme, but aside from that you set the tone nicely.
ReplyDeleteI agree that "eventually" would be better after the comma. And I would change "gets in you" to simply "gets you" - that way you've got the repeat of the phrase at end and start of sentence which, IMO, has more impact. Love the last sentence, BTW :)
ReplyDeleteIt didn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteWhen you hunt the dark . . .
What's to hunt? The dark is always there. And how do you capture it? How does it get into you? How do you chase it?
This does have a creepy tone to it, deliciously creepy, but it doesn't really say anything. I could be reading about any person/vampire/zombie in any location in this world or any other world. It was just too vague for me.
This opening doesn't set well with me. I read a novel that stated similar ideas in it, so the "hunting the dark," "need the chase," and "the thrill" seem to be cliche. At first I thought of hunting vampires. But what exactly is being hunted? Also, I'm not a fan of directly addressing the reader "you hunt" and "gets in you." I usually get sidetracked and think that "no, I do not hunt" and that I probably cannot identify with the character. Make these actions and emotions belong to the character.
ReplyDeleteThis has a lyrical quality that makes me think of poetry. I'd switch the latter part of the first sentence to say, "it eventually enters you," but, "gets in you" is more in tune with the voice.
ReplyDeleteI like it. I didn't have any problem with hunting the dark - it made me want to read on to see what the dark is specifically. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI like it too. My only comment is that "it gets in you eventually." Could you say that a different way? (it becomes part of you? you have no choice you need it. You need the chase...)
ReplyDeleteI was only kind of hooked. I like the idea, but "the dark" as the subject of a hunter was too vague. I get what you're doing (esp. combined with the title), but I think it'd better if it were more specific. Something like:
ReplyDelete"When you hunt nightwings long enough, it changes you. It gets so you need it, need the chase, the thrill, the kill."
Love the idea of these two lines. but I don't like the first "get". Would like a different, more active, darker verb.
ReplyDeleteLOVE IT!!
ReplyDeleteYou know what I like about this? How it subtly involves the reader without seeming unnatural. The main character is implying that the dark has gotten into him (or her?) but they never SAY that. They say the dark has gotten into YOU, dear reader, and there's nothing you can do about it.
ReplyDeleteVery creepy beginning.
I like the voice and the hints of plot. Good job!
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
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