TITLE: Shadow Dance
GENRE: Series Romance
Quivering in anticipation Ricki opened the letter box. It was empty. Again.
For nine years the letter arrived, regular as clockwork. What was different now?
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
Okay, not sure about the 'quivering' thing, but definitely interested.
ReplyDeleteAlthough the situation here is compelling (mystery of why the letters stopped) I think you could give a better description. "Quiverig" makes me feel like this is a once-in-a-lifetime, thrilling event. But the lettters have stopped. Maybe worry would be more appropriate? Hope? Concern?
ReplyDeleteMaybe 'quivering' works here if you focus that adjective just on Ricki's hands. The whole body quiver image puts it a little over the top.
ReplyDeleteGreat mysterious hook though.
Interesting situation. There might be a missing comma there, but I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteMmmm... quivering does bring to mind a fawing spaniel. Anxiety was more what was meant.
ReplyDeleteMakes me wonder what is in the letters
ReplyDeleteDefinitely grabbed my interest. Needs a comma after anticipation, but otherwise, very nice!
ReplyDeleteI loved this opening. It had intrigue and nice imagery. I think we have covered the Quivering. It would probably be strong not to open with an - ing word too. Perhaps something like -
ReplyDeleteRicki opened the letter box, her hand shaking so much she couldn't get the latch undone. Her shoulders slumped. Damn it was empty. Again. (love the again that is fab!)
Well done.
Personally, I think you can drop "Quivering in anticipation" and it loses nothing but gains impact. Love the "Again"! I think you need a "had" - ie "letter had arrived".
ReplyDeleteI agree with the quivering. Definitely not the right word. Perhaps just say Ricki opened the letter box?
ReplyDeleteFor nine years the letter arrived . . .
Should it be letters? Or is this something where the same letter keeps getting returned.
And it should be 'had' arrived.
But it is an intriguing opening, and I'd read more.
It made me curious about the letter and the mc. I wasn't keen on "quivering."
ReplyDeleteI would change a few things about this opening. In the first sentence I think you need a comma after 'anticipation'. In the second paragraph, you're telling rather than showing. I'd rather you showed us this information if you possibly can. The story idea is compelling but the delivery could use a little more spice.
ReplyDeletenice!
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