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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

25 Words #34

TITLE: Vestige
GENRE: Paranormal romance

Tess wished she believed in miracles, because she sure as s*** needed one now. With sight obscured by indigo mist, she pushed further into the musty cave.
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17 comments:

  1. AnonymousJune 22, 2010 at 12:03 PM

    I really like this. I'm a huge curser (in real life) and I like the voice you're giving. It shows Tess is in trouble, without telling. I'd read more.

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  2. MomwomanJune 22, 2010 at 12:13 PM

    I feel the fantasy vibe in the indigo mist, and the earthy cynicism of the MC in her thougths. This does a great job of setting us up. Good work!

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  3. braukesJune 22, 2010 at 12:39 PM

    I'm hooked and would read more. I'd be curious to read the next sentence. The second sentence was more "beautiful" writing than the first, although the first was my favorite - I love, love, love it!

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  4. samsevernJune 22, 2010 at 1:40 PM

    I loved putting "sh**" in that first sentence. Packs a f**king wallop! WOW!!!

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  5. Vincent KaleJune 22, 2010 at 2:01 PM

    Everyone likes a good cuss now and then.

    Where is this indigo mist coming from? What's luring Tess into the musty cave? Why does she need a miracle?

    All great hooks to keep me reading!

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  6. AnonymousJune 22, 2010 at 3:56 PM

    Good job, but the voice (for me) seems like it's coming from two different people. The very first sentence sets me up to expect a character with a little fire in her belly, a little tarnish on her halo. The "indigo mist" line makes me think of a more romantic, flowy dress kinda gal. I'd read on, to see which sentence really fits the overall voice. Hooked, though.

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  7. BlodwynJune 22, 2010 at 5:24 PM

    Like the opening. "With sight obscured" - not sure about the formatting of this. It seems to have a subject missing. maybe: "Her sight obscured by indigo mist, she pushed..."

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  8. BronJune 22, 2010 at 5:30 PM

    I enjoyed this opening and would love to read on. Well done.

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  9. BarbaraJune 22, 2010 at 7:32 PM

    I loved it. Setting, problem and character all in 25 words!

    You might change 'with' in the 2nd sentence to 'Her.'

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  10. Alli SinclairJune 22, 2010 at 7:58 PM

    Thanks for the comments everyone. The HER does fit better - great suggestion!

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  11. Jemi FraserJune 22, 2010 at 10:23 PM

    First line made me smile - nice! I like your voice and would definitely read on.

    You could actually eliminate the With or Her altogether as well.

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  12. Sharon K. MayhewJune 23, 2010 at 12:39 AM

    Nice voice.

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  13. Joel QJune 23, 2010 at 11:52 AM

    Tells us she will probably believe before the end of the story. Nice.

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  14. AnonymousJune 24, 2010 at 7:03 PM

    I'm guessing "s***" refers to excrement. Is "s***" not allowed on blogs? It's so harmless.

    Anyway, I found the phrase "sure as s***" kind of weird, mainly because I've never heard it. "sure as hell" sounds less odd to me.

    But I suppose "hell" packs less of a punch than "sh*t". (I feel so silly censoring such a harmless word)

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  15. shehapJune 24, 2010 at 7:08 PM

    Maybe I'm just a prude, but the swear pulled me out immediately. It feels cheap to use a swear word to create artificial drama and excitement in the first sentence. The rest of the paragraph would have to be very good for me to keep reading.
    Also, like Morphine-moniza, I am confused by the idiom. 'Sure as hell' I've heard (and probably wouldn't have pulled me out), but I've never heard that one.

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  16. BronJune 25, 2010 at 4:50 AM

    I liked the voice in the first line. 'With sight obscured by indigo mist' doesn't quite work for me though. I'd read on because of the voice though.

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    ReplyDelete