TITLE: Bleed Well
GENRE: Fantasy
Running through the evergreen forest, Fredrick's heart pounded. He ducked under low branches, jumped over fallen tree trunks, and crashed through any underbrush that got in his way.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
First clause needs to have the same subject as the rest of the sentence. His heart was not running through the forest.
ReplyDeleteYikes, yes, the heart running through the forest stopped me. And you could just say "underbrush" rather than "underbrush that got in his way" - if he's crashing through it, it's implied that it got in his way.
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree with the heart running comments :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, am I the only one extremely tired of running openings? It seems every third MS I read starts with someone I don't know fleeing from something not named... and since I have no idea what's going on, why do I care? Sorry to be so blunt - and good luck!
Ditto with the above comments on the tense agreement.
ReplyDeleteLots of action verbs here which sets the pace. However I agree that we need to be grounded in why Fredrick is running. Who/what is he running from or to? Is he just out for exercise?
Since there's no hint here (I know it's only 25 words) it's hard to get a feel for the reason he's running.
I dig the title though!
agree with the clause thing. Might be a little cliche to start with running, but I think it probably all depends on what happens next.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the heart-running comments. Actually, I think you can lose the reference to the evergreen forest completely, since it's pretty obvious he's running through some kind of forest in the second sentence. Maybe just started with "Frederick's heart pounded."?? And "that got in his way" seems superfluous, too, detracts from the high-tension scene you're trying to create. Sounds like a great place to start, though!
ReplyDeleteFredrick is doing too many things at once. In once sentence he's running, jumping, ducking and crashing and he can't do that all at once.
ReplyDeleteSlow it down. Show him running through the forest and tell us why, or from whom. Then he can duck under branches, followed by a thought or emotion. Then he can crash through something, followed by his pursuers doing something.
Not saying you have to use this formula, just suggesting a way to slow it down. The little bits put in between each action are ways to get in characterization, motivation, conflict, etc.
I like the excitement of your opening. I do agree with the comments on the pounding heart.
ReplyDeleteThere is too much description as to what he is doing. Save the ducking and jumping for other paragraphs. Trust the reader to visualize a wooded area based on the need to crash through the underbrush.
ReplyDeleteGranted that it's only 25 words, I want to know stakes. His heart is pounding, so he's probably afraid, but maybe he's just out for a run. I don't know. And therefore, I don't care yet.
ReplyDelete"Fredrick's heart pounded as he ran through the evergreen forest." would take care of your issue with the first sentence. Other than that, I'd be curious enough to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with most of these comments - I don't think you should slow it down at all. Quite the contrary. This snippet immediately establishes that Frederick is in some kind of trouble, and the faster the reading goes, the faster he will seem to be moving (the running, jumping, ducking, etc). It brings us immediately into the story - in media res, as it were (sp?).
ReplyDeleteI would change some of the longer words, like 'evergreen' and 'underbrush' unless they are very important. You don't want your reader to be able to stop for breath until Frederick can!
Oh, and fix the heart thing, but lots of people have told you that.
Great start! I'd keep reading.
It seems like his heart is running. But I LOVE your title. Bleed Well is a freaking cool title.
ReplyDeleteI agree 'evergreen forest' is unnecessary at this point. It reads to me as author intrusion. When you're running like he is, you're unlikely to think about the 'evergreen forest' you are running through. Well done for starting with action though.
ReplyDeleteThe way you have this worded it seems as if Fredrick's heart was running through the evergreen forest. If you tried "As he ran through the evergreen forest, Fredrick's heart pounded."
ReplyDeletenice!
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