I hate it when people pick entries to death, but I'm not sure these two sentences mesh well together. One is seeing Christian walking (and is intriguing) - the next is somewhat formally expressed backstory ("the necessity of the move") ... and the phrase "very will" - rather than just "will" strikes me as odd.
First sentence is intriguing, but it doesn't read like YA to me. (The word "trepidation" stands out especially.) I'd like to find out more, but not if I'd expected YA.
I like that you're trying to set the mood here, showing us that Christian really doesn't want to leave but is being forced to. But the writing comes off as a bit forced.
Did he take the steps at gun point? Is it just a "move" or is it an eviction or an exodus? A little more description of the events surrounding his move at this very moment can help us to understand Christian, rather than giving us his internal conflict.
I feel like the correct tense is "he was leaving against his will" because "he left" implies that he had already left, whereas here he is in the process.
I would read on because I'm curious about what timeperiod it is and I want to know what's going on.
I like the first sentence, but I think the second part would be stronger if it was in the main character's head/voice instead of sounding like a narrator.
Maybe try phrasing the second part as question that the main character is thinking as he steps off of the German soil and onto whereever he's stepping.
I think there is too much to absorb in these two sentences. We know he's on German soil, we wonder if it's military and if so, what time period. We know he has trepidation (this word, BTW, does not bother me for YA. They can get it). We learn that he has to leave and we learn that he doesn't want to. It's a lot, and hard on the brain. Not sure how to fix; and keep in mind that this is just my first impression, and perhaps not fair to say all that w/o knowing the rest of the story. (And it does sound like an intriguing story).
I would read on. I have a personal connection with having to leave my homeland. That being said, remember who your reader is and make the dialogue something that would come out of the mouth of a teenage boy. I think the language works if it's a hf.
I don't have an issue with the language, but the words 'very will' don't quite mesh with it for me. I think the suggestion of staying with the action in the first sentence is a good one.
I hate it when people pick entries to death, but I'm not sure these two sentences mesh well together. One is seeing Christian walking (and is intriguing) - the next is somewhat formally expressed backstory ("the necessity of the move") ... and the phrase "very will" - rather than just "will" strikes me as odd.
ReplyDeleteFirst sentence is intriguing, but it doesn't read like YA to me. (The word "trepidation" stands out especially.) I'd like to find out more, but not if I'd expected YA.
ReplyDeleteI think 'off' is the wrong word. Was it his final steps on German soil?
ReplyDeleteThe opening reads awkwardly. Perhaps rewrite it?
ReplyDeleteI like that you're trying to set the mood here, showing us that Christian really doesn't want to leave but is being forced to. But the writing comes off as a bit forced.
ReplyDeleteDid he take the steps at gun point? Is it just a "move" or is it an eviction or an exodus? A little more description of the events surrounding his move at this very moment can help us to understand Christian, rather than giving us his internal conflict.
I feel like the correct tense is "he was leaving against his will" because "he left" implies that he had already left, whereas here he is in the process.
ReplyDeleteI would read on because I'm curious about what timeperiod it is and I want to know what's going on.
ReplyDeleteI like the first sentence, but I think the second part would be stronger if it was in the main character's head/voice instead of sounding like a narrator.
Maybe try phrasing the second part as question that the main character is thinking as he steps off of the German soil and onto whereever he's stepping.
I think this has good potential.
I think there is too much to absorb in these two sentences. We know he's on German soil, we wonder if it's military and if so, what time period. We know he has trepidation (this word, BTW, does not bother me for YA. They can get it). We learn that he has to leave and we learn that he doesn't want to. It's a lot, and hard on the brain. Not sure how to fix; and keep in mind that this is just my first impression, and perhaps not fair to say all that w/o knowing the rest of the story. (And it does sound like an intriguing story).
ReplyDeleteI would read on. I have a personal connection with having to leave my homeland. That being said, remember who your reader is and make the dialogue something that would come out of the mouth of a teenage boy. I think the language works if it's a hf.
ReplyDeleteI will agree with the other comments that the language doesn't seem right for a YA story. I got an adult vibe from it.
ReplyDeleteI don't have an issue with the language, but the words 'very will' don't quite mesh with it for me. I think the suggestion of staying with the action in the first sentence is a good one.
ReplyDelete