TITLE: Charmed
GENRE: YA
The garbanzo beans wouldn't scan. I tried holding the can at different angles. Even cleaned the glass pane using the vinegar solution we'd been told to use sparingly.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
Ah, I'm so literal. I saw someone trying to scan garbanzo beans, one by one. (Which is possibly more intriguing to me than a can, anyway!)
ReplyDeleteI used to work at a supermarket so I can relate to this. I got that it was a can.
ReplyDeleteI laughed for five minutes over this. I'd definitely read on. 'Holy Garbanzo beans!' is one of my fav exclamations, so I adore anything that brings them into the mix. I want to know who's standing there watching the MC fail at scanning...
ReplyDeleteI like it too, but losing the adverb "sparingly" would make it even stronger, since this voice doesn't sound like one that would use adverbs.
ReplyDeleteI liked it. You placed me immediately into your story. And, yeah, I also think you should lose 'sparingly.'
ReplyDeleteHow can you lose with the word "garbanzo" in your opening line? You can't!
ReplyDeleteI like the first sentence, but I'd rather know what's happening around your MC then get a play by play on how he/she was trying to scan the beans.
Is she nervous because of a certain customer in front of her? Is she exhausted at the end of a double shift?
The first sentence engages the reader but then we need something else to hook us in. Scanning and cleaning doesn't cut it unless something larger is at stake.
Just read an article about drawing in the reader. According to it, the first sentence should show the MC in trouble, pulling the reader in.
ReplyDeleteI don't see any trouble here...
I have to respectfully disagree with fiction writer...I understand that showing the MC in "trouble" will draw a reader in, but the trouble does not have to be earth-shattering, IMO. I think this is a great opening and I chuckled out loud. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI like it, but I feel like it needs a different flow, like "The gb wouldn't scan. I tried holding the can at different angles. I punched in the numbers. I even cleaned..."
ReplyDeleteI love the first two sentences! It's the third sentence that sticks for me. I wonder if, at this point, we really need to know so much about the vinegar solution? eg 'Cleaned the glass pane.' - that does the same thing for me. Which means you can launch straight into another action or an intro to the customer's reaction or whatever. But I agree - LOVE the garbanzo beans!
ReplyDeleteI like that the first sentence is direct, and it isn't something usually expected, so it grabs my attention. I have to admit, I don't know what garbanzo beans are, but I'm guessing a coffee bean? (I'll google it) I like the attention to detail "vinegar solution", it shows me that the narrator is conscious of his or her actions, probably frantic and hyper to scan the beans. I would read on to see where this leads.
ReplyDeleteI would read on! I liked "sparingly." I know, adverbs are tricky, but in this case I think it works. What I think you should change though, is that you have "use" and "using" in the same sentence.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious how this beginning leads to the title Charmed...I'd read further. The third sentence is a bit tricky for me. "I even cleaned...feels more natural for me and I'd drop sparingly unless it's going to lead you into the tight wad who owns the store...
ReplyDeleteInteresting. Although at where I work I would end up punching in the UPC on the beans to get them scanned in quickly. Cleaning the glass is saved for between the customers, so that you don't slow any of them down and keep the lanes moving.
ReplyDeleteThis one got me smiling. That's rare for these 25 words. Totally hooked.
ReplyDeleteAnd fiction writer's right. An opening needs trouble. Garbanzo beans not scanning totally counts!
There's nothing wrong with this opening, imo, except I need just a bit more to hook me. Now, if it's a hot guy's garbanzo beans . . .
ReplyDeleteI grew up calling garbanzo beans Chick Peas. I love the first line. I wonder if you add something to entice the senses, further in, it would be even stronger? Maybe showing how the vinegar solution makes the MC's nose itch? I see the "show, don't tell" comments often.
ReplyDeleteThanks Spiral, I had no idea what garbanzo beans were! This doesn't really hook me, but my opinion seems out of line with the others. Of course, I wouldn't put a book down after just 25 words. I think the writing is good though, which bodes well for the next 225.
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ReplyDeletenice!
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