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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

25 Words #45

TITLE: Crossing the Dark Waters
GENRE: YA contemporary fantasy

My twin sister,Sierra, sat in the lotus position on the teacher's desk, with a dozen prom committee members standing around her.
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22 comments:

  1. Holly BodgerJune 22, 2010 at 10:57 AM

    Okay, weird visual but both funny and intriguing at the same time. I'd read on!

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  2. Sara J. HenryJune 22, 2010 at 11:23 AM

    Oh, yeah, I'd keep reading!

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  3. Theresa MilsteinJune 22, 2010 at 11:30 AM

    I agree with Holly. I wonder if Sierra is an attention-grabber.

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  4. Susan B-KJune 22, 2010 at 1:46 PM

    I'd keep reading! There are so many possibilities here, so I'm intrigued enough to read on.

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  5. carol Newman CroninJune 22, 2010 at 2:14 PM

    Hooked for sure. This could go in so many different ways!

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  6. TKAstleJune 22, 2010 at 2:30 PM

    Piques my interest, for sure.

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  7. Vincent KaleJune 22, 2010 at 2:32 PM

    Great combination of vivid imagery with just enough "huh?" to keep us interested. I'd read on.

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  8. BarbaraJune 22, 2010 at 2:36 PM

    Nice opening. I know your MC has a twin sister who seems outgoing and popular and sure of herself, which makes me think you MC isn't any of that. Lots of possibilities here.

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  9. fiction writerJune 22, 2010 at 2:57 PM

    Just read an article about drawing in the reader. According to it, the first sentence should show the MC in trouble, pulling the reader in.

    I don't see any trouble here...

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  10. VJune 22, 2010 at 3:25 PM

    This is a fantastic first image - really liked it. Definitely a nice hook.

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  11. kathrynjankowskiJune 22, 2010 at 4:17 PM

    Great job of giving us just enough details to make us want to read more. ;-)

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  12. BlodwynJune 22, 2010 at 5:01 PM

    I like the imagery - it shows the sister's character, and I already have an idea what she's like.

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  13. H. GrantJune 22, 2010 at 5:13 PM

    My twin sister,Sierra, sat in the lotus position on the teacher's desk, with a dozen prom committee members standing around her.

    * * * * *

    Wonderful, hilarious image, but a red flag stood out.

    You need a space after: My twin sister,

    The little things, spaces, commas, etc., either make your work seem professional or say that you're an amateur and your manuscript will need work.

    Good luck!

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  14. Sara J. HenryJune 22, 2010 at 6:01 PM

    Fiction writer: she's sitting on a teacher's desk, with prom committee members standing around her - and you don't see trouble?!

    H. Grant - I'm a copyediting stickler, but that missing space didn't bother me, because I know formatting glitches appear when submitting things to this blog. I have a feeling this writer knows that spaces go after commas.

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  15. BronJune 22, 2010 at 7:04 PM

    Good opening for the genre. It's intriguing as it almost pitches the scene as confrontational. Are they all around her sister to back her up or are they simply waiting for their leader to speak.

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  16. EsperantoJune 22, 2010 at 10:24 PM

    I would read on; I think it's a great first sentence.

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  17. Sharon K. MayhewJune 23, 2010 at 12:07 AM

    I would read on. I'm not sure what a contemporary fantasy is though?

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  18. JamwesJune 23, 2010 at 1:47 AM

    Very interesting. Really sets the stage for something to happen.

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  19. Adam HeineJune 23, 2010 at 5:25 AM

    I wasn't hooked, but I think it's just personal (esp. in light of all the other comments here).

    One thing I thought could tighten this up is dropping Sierra's name and introducing it later. I think this opening sentence would be snappier without it. Just my opinion, of course.

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  20. Michelle L. BrownJune 23, 2010 at 1:48 PM

    Love it! Agents are saying a lot of twins are cropping up in the inboxes, so bear that in mind when querying.

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  21. shehapJune 24, 2010 at 6:26 PM

    Nice image. As a teacher, the first thing I am thinking is - where is this teacher, and why is he letting some girl sit on his desk?
    I'd keep reading until I found out that, at least.

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  22. BronJune 25, 2010 at 4:09 AM

    It caught my attention but I agree with others that dropping either 'my twin' or 'Sierra' would make the sentence sound more natural.

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