TITLE: My Paper Heart
GENRE: Contemporary Women's fiction
A piece of paper, that's what started and ended this whole mess. One little piece of paper that changed my whole life.
"Olivia Grace Gentry's grades have not been able to meet the required 2.0 grade point average for two semesters; therefore she will not be welcomed back to Illinois State University for the fall semester." My mom read out loud, emphasizing not as if it was the dirtiest word she had ever heard.
"Mom, it's not like I tried to fail out." I held my hands out, as if my excuse was some kind of gift that I had wrapped up and presented to her.
My parents sat across the dining room table from me my mom, with the letter in her hand and my dad with his fingers wrapped around a glass of bourbon. I had been waiting for this conversation ever since I thought that the letter came in the mail. I mentally prepared myself for the worst.
I could go to community college (I had dealt with drunk frat guys for a whole year, so I was pretty sure that I could deal with a few creepy old men in class), or maybe working in my dad's office (screaming kids with cavities were not exactly the way that I wanted to spend my day. I had enough of that being in a sorority).
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm half-hooked.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a good voice here and with a bit of tightening up it might flow a little smoother.
That said, I am interested to know why she has failed...
Good luck!
I'm partially hooked, but mainly because I went to Illinois State.
ReplyDeleteI think you could be more descriptive with the tension. Make Olivia squirm. Which parent is the good cop and which is the bad cop? Is the bourbon a bad sign or is that his usual drink?
Good luck!
I like it, especially her line about her excuse being a gift.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few fixes that would help my reading of this. I stumbled quite a bit.
ReplyDelete"Olivia Grace Gentry's grades have not been able to meet the required 2.0 grade point average for two semester
It's Olivia who has not been able to meet the GPA, not her grades. "Olivia Grace Gentry has not been able to meet the required 2.0..." would read more smoothly.
My mom read out loud, emphasizing not as if it was the dirtiest word she had ever heard.
Please set off NOT with caps or quotes or something -- it took me three tries to figure out what this sentence meant.
This sentence below needs a bit of punctuation. Maybe not this exactly, but you need some way to set off the mom and dad sections from the beginning of the sentence I think.
My parents sat across the dining room table from me -- my mom with the letter in her hand, and my dad with his fingers wrapped around a glass of bourbon.
"Or maybe working" in the last paragraph needs to be "or maybe work."
Sorry to be pedantic, and good luck :) The voice is nice, but there are too many issues with structure here for me to be hooked.
The story opening intrigued me, but I stumbled over the sentences that Lucy mentioned above. I agree with her suggestions for tightening them. Also, in the last paragraph, I don't think the parenthesis are necessary--you could break them out into separate sentences easily.
ReplyDeleteI love the title, and with some tightening to improve the structure and flow, I would read further.
Yeah, I agree with Lucy and Angie's structural/grammatical comments.
ReplyDeleteI'm half-hooked - but I want to be fully there! I think you need to tighten further and work out precisely what you want us to get from the scene. Humour? Gnawing tension? Family crisis? Anticipation? I'm not getting a huge sense of any yet... though maybe the next 250 words will do it for me?
Sounds like you have the start of a great coming-of-age story (I bet eveyone at least knows one college freshman who quit or dropped out). Lucy has some great ways of tightening the text in her comments above. I might also rework the last sentence to make it clearer. For example, one possibility:
ReplyDeleteI could go to community college. I had dealt with drunk frat guys for a whole year, so I was pretty sure that I could deal with a few creepy old men in class. Or maybe I could work in my dad's dental office. I had plenty of experience with screaming kids from being in a sorority.
This is a great concept for a story though- kicked out of college and deciding what to do with your life. I also loved the line: I held my hands out, as if my excuse was some kind of gift that I had wrapped up and presented to her. I could just picture it.
Good luck!
Not Hooked. There are too many things here that work against this. The biggie for me are the grammar/structure issues already pointed out. There are enough to make me believe the rest of the novel has the same issues.
ReplyDeleteIt seems very much like a draft version rather than a finished, polished novel. Perhaps another revision or two?
I think you have a good start here. Stakes are high, conflict is clear. All very good. I didn't care for the excuse/gift, because it felt contrived--a little too self-aware for the MC, a little too "look at my pretty language" (which, BTW, it is very pretty--I would just be careful @ making sure pretty language doesn't draw attention & interrupt the flow).
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to say I'm not hooked here.
ReplyDeleteLike the others, I'm struggling with the grammar issues here. Additionally, this premise feels a bit old to me--like we've seen it too many times before.
Love the name Olive Grace Gentry, though. Great name choice!
Sorry: Olivia Grace Gentry. Yeah, I can type!
ReplyDeleteI was confused about the first line. She talks about the paper changing her whole life. Is she just talking about not finishing college at that school right now? I got a hint there is something else but I need to know what or at least have a bigger hint. If there is a bigger adventure here, let me know earlier.
ReplyDelete