TITLE: Breaking Fellini
GENRE: Young
I stand in front of the adoring and drunk crowd of the Iron Crow. Everyone presses to the stage, abandoning the bar and tables, and tries to get as close to us as they can. I grip my Fender Stratocaster guitar and strum out the familiar chords to Three Dog Night's Joy to the World. The song is boring, just like the others in the set. I'm pretty sure I can play this in my sleep. I fake a smile and move across the stage. Sometimes I lean into Steph playing bass, pressing our sweaty T-shirts together and grinding our backs with the music (the guys in the audience love to see two girls in collision even if it is fake), or I shout out a few background lyrics into Todd's microphone; all in an effort to heighten the show, rile the people. The crowd can't get enough of our act, our performance. But do they love us for playing the song or for the song? If it's for the song then I can't help but feel phony.
I decide to test the waters. When Todd and Stephanie sing the chorus, I bend a few notes. The change to the song is subtle, but not enough to destroy recognition. Todd and Stephanie cringe at me, trying not to show their peeved expression to the crowd, and keep on singing. I sigh and go back to playing the song as people remember it.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteGreat opening - I'm right there inside the MC's head.
Also, you have a strong voice and the reader gets a good sense of your character's personality in those 250 words. I really want to know what she will do next.
Good job and good luck!
Yep, you got me hooked. Everything Raven said, and I really like the music theme!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this submission. It left me wondering what was going to happen next and why she was in this band if she couldn't take some artistic licence.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
Well, I honestly don't know what to tell you. There's nothing wrong with this, but on the other hand, nothing stands out, either. It does seem to need some oomph. Perhaps a different starting point? I was always taught to start on the day that was different, when the problem arises that is the catalyst for the story. Don't know if that will help in this case, but it might be something to consider.
ReplyDeleteIt's not badly written but it doesn't give me much of a sense of where things are going from here. Of course it's just the opening so I know the story will progress, but I didn't feel very pulled into the scene.
ReplyDeleteJust a nitpicky detail, I'd call it a Fender Stratocaster and drop the "guitar." It's like saying "fiction novel book", you know?
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your excerpt, and first person present tense is not usually my favorite, so good job!
I'm hooked. The title is brilliant and enticing. I love that the MC is bored even though the crowd is eating it up. The last paragraph was excellent - subtle but effective. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteThe addition of "Guitar" next to Fender Stratocaster is helpful for non-initiates, so I personally liked it a lot, but on the other, I get Penelope's point (i.e. would your character add "guitar"). I think it's easily fixed, though.
ReplyDeleteI love the premise. She is bored and creatively frustrated. I wonder how she will break out of it. I want to know what happens next.
I immediately felt a connection to your main character and got right into the story. I think the last sentence in the first paragraph could just read, "I can't help but feel phony." I want more.
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job creating a scene here, and the music details were really fun, but I'm not hooked. I'm seeing a vivid scene, but not the beginning of a story here. I would probably read more to better gauge the direction of the story, but I'd also advise you to take a 2nd look here and try to insert more of of the character's problem--the issue that will drive the narrative--into these opening paragraphs. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI agree, I need to know what the conflict is here, other than the main character feeling unhappy. Whatever the conflict is, maybe try to inject a hint of that into these first paragraphs. Otherwise, I like the atmosphere you've created, it really comes across. So use that same strong writing to give indications of where the story is going.
ReplyDelete