TITLE: The Some Day List
GENRE: Contemporary Romance
The obnoxious buzzing causes Quinn to sit up in bed. What the hell? Some idiot must be trying to reach one of their friends and hit the wrong doorbell. She flopped over agin, hoping they'd figure it out quickly. Another buzz, the extended version this time. She got out of bed and stomped downstairs. At the intercom she asked, "Who are you looking for?"
"Quinn, babe, it's me. Let me up."
Nick? "What are you doing here?"
"I came to say Happy Birthday."
She sighed and buzzed him in. Nick always had genuine moments of being sweet. Of course, it would've been nice if he chose to be sweet at nine o'clock in stead of two a.m. She couldn't complain to much. How many other women could claim their ex-husbands remembered their birthdays?
She swung the heavy metal door open and Nick stood leaning against the wall in his usual James Dean, I'm-too-cool-for-everyone stance. He straightened and handed her a bouquet of roses. So much for sweet. She hated roses. The rotten smell they emitted as they died off made her stomach turn.
Nick leaned in and kissed her cheek. "Happy Birthday."
The stench of whiskey burned in her nostrils. Drunk again. She should've known. Even after all this time, she still wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Knowing he'd been drinking meant he came for only one of two things: he was in trouble or he wanted to get laid.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the opening - though I wish I had more info on her - like is it a weekday and does hse have work in the morning?
ReplyDeleteI like the description of the ex, too! I have one like that!
Thanks!
Nice intro but some tiny things wrong with it which make me wonder how closely this has been edited. (I'm assuming an agent would have the same concern.) For instance, "She couldn't complain to much" should be TOO.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I would be surprised if anyone I know would think of someone's sweet actions when they showed up at 2 am. I'd be thinking, "That rat bastard just wants to get laid" from the get go if he showed up at 2 am.
One last thing--VERY few people would think bringing roses is NOT sweet. So, I'd think she'd say something like, "You know I hate roses you dolt. We were only married for 10 years, duh." Or something similar.
Starting with the annoying buzzer was easy to relate to and made me want to read more. I would consider throwing in the fact that it's 2a.m. right after the second buzz. Everyone in this situation would immediately look at their clock after the second buzz, if not the first.
ReplyDeleteI like the James Dean description, and could see it in my head, but "too-cool-for-school" has a better rhythm than "everyone".
I'm surprised she let him in, and the roses (he had to know she hated roses if they were married) were a total dick move. Also, not sure he could find roses at that hour.
Overall, I felt as if Quinn came across as a pushover. Maybe toughening her up would make it more interesting. Seems like she would sleep with him and then "loan" him money for whatever type of troubl he is in.
Great description and voice! Keep after it!
Interesting situation in this opening -- I liked the twist of having her ex-husband remember her birthdays; right away I'm thinking these could be fun characters to follow.
ReplyDeleteThis may just be me, but if my ex brought me the flowers I hated the most, I'd throw them at him or something; I'm not sure even a real jerk would deliberately bring the hated flowers if he wanted something.
Overall, though, I think this is quite good.
I was distracted by the tense shift between the first sentence ("causes Quinn to sit up") and the rest of the piece, which is past tense (and stronger for it). That said, I was definitely hooked by the opening, and would read more. As a reader, I'm asking myself: Why does her ex feel comfortable buzzing at 2am? Does he only do it when drunk (I'm guessing so) and did he bring roses deliberately to tweak her or because he's that dense (I'm hoping for the former). I'm also hoping he's in trouble, and that's why he's at the door at 2am.
ReplyDeleteI noticed a few passive and/or helping verbs that could probably get cut to tighten some of the prose, but I like the details - the James Dean stance, and the reference to the smell of dying roses (as it happens, I hate it too and although I love roses I always toss them before they get to that point, so you really caught me there).
I like the name Quinn - it's unusual without being bizarre, and balancing it with a simple name like Nick (and I'm wondering if that's an intentional play on the Devil) is a good touch, too.
I had real trouble with this one. Present tense is tough to pull off in a full novel and if it's not done spectacularly it always keeps me at arm's length because it's so distracting.
ReplyDeleteBut then there is distancing language here too. The helping verbs: "causes Quinn to..." and using "their" instead of "her" when we barely know who "she" is. (It doesn't help that I've only ever heard of men named Quinn so through the whole thing I kept having to remind myself that it's a woman not a man.)
I didn't feel this one at all, though I think the title is clever.
Hi (Author here) - Sorry for the confusion. The book is in past tense and what you see here are typos (including the 'too' and 'instead') that don't exist in the book but were created when I had to madly retype my submission for the contest in a plain text email.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback. Some of your comments made me laugh out loud.
I'm interested in your characters right away, and the voice is excellent. I'm interested in why she puts up with this drunken ex-husband for sure. But I kind of see it from the fact that he remembers her birthday. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Bridget. I wouldn't think anyone was sweet at 2am. I also think we didn't get to know her a all. It was all about him, and even though you get a good picture of him, I would like to know more about her.
ReplyDeleteThere is one fundamental thing in here that has me not liking Quinn. Even if the split with Nick was amicable, i.e. "we're both not in love but let's stay friends," there's nothing Nick could do that would convince me he was being sweet at 2 a.m. if I were in her shoes. Sweet is remembering at a decent hour. Sweet is not showing up at 2 a.m., the common closing time for most bars (unless you're in NYC or Chicago). Especially not when we're dealing with a man with a history of being a drunk. And I can't get behind a woman who will let her ex walk all over her like that, at least not as an opening scene. Also, you can't buy flowers at 2 a.m. in most places, so where'd he get them? And if he's either a) in trouble or b) hunting for sex, he's going to butter Quinn up, not throw hated flowers at her. It'd be one thing if she hated a specific type of flower, like say baby's breath, that no man knows about. But every man knows about roses, and he'd sure learn fast if his girl didn't like them (probably had that one down before they were married). Bringing hated flowers does not equal buttering up for favors/sex/both...so I'm not sure I'm seeing either of your characters clearly here. Sorry. Voice is great, but the characters themselves aren't hooking me. Maybe it's the choice of opening scene. Is this where the story really starts? Is there any way you can show us that Quinn isn't just a pushover before we see this scene?
ReplyDeleteThe writing here is good. You're telling a story and presenting a potential problem. There's a reason to read on - why is Nick there? What's he gotten himself into now?
ReplyDeleteI do think Quinn does exactly what a lot of women would do in this situation, but, unfortunately, that's also the reason I'd be hesitant to read more. I just don't want to read about a woman who's intelligence vanishes the minute a man enters the picture. She had sense enough to dump him once, and if it turns out he's the love interest, you'd lose me.
RE: title—most definitely intriguing! (The Bucket List, anyone?)
ReplyDeleteAs for the text—
The obnoxious buzzing causes Quinn to sit up in bed. What the hell? Some idiot must be trying to reach one of their friends and hit the wrong doorbell. She flopped over agin, hoping they'd figure it out quickly. Another buzz, the extended version this time. She got out of bed and stomped downstairs. At the intercom she asked, "Who are you looking for?"
I have some concerns about this first paragraph . . . It could—should—read more fluidly.
Thoughts:
1- You shouldn’t make your characters passive—obnoxious buzzing doesn’t cause Quinn to do anything. Quinn hears the buzzing, is jolted, etc. Watch how you phrase things.
2- The second sentence is playing with potential tenses issues (at the very least, I was momentarily jolted from the text). I’d say: “Some idiot must be trying to reach a friend and accidentally hit her doorbell.”
3- Do you need “quickly”? I think you can cut it.
4- I like this otherwise; I like the voice and the attitude (go snark!) here, and I have the sense that I should like Quinn—a lot.
"Quinn, babe, it's me. Let me up."
Nick? "What are you doing here?"
"I came to say Happy Birthday."
Since Nick isn’t actually wishing her happy birthday, but instead mentioning happy birthdays as something someone does in passing, I would just say, “I came to say happy birthday.”
She sighed and buzzed him in. Nick always had genuine moments of being sweet. Of course, it would've been nice if he chose to be sweet at nine o'clock in stead of two a.m. She couldn't complain to much. How many other women could claim their ex-husbands remembered their birthdays?
1- “being sweet” is passive—can you say “moments of sweetness” or something like that?
2- Give the second sentence a bit more attitude: “Of course, sweet would have been nice at nine instead of two, but she couldn’t complain.” More efficient, a bit more attitude/voice, and you don’t have all of these phrases that readers will trip over.
She swung the heavy metal door open and Nick stood leaning against the wall in his usual James Dean, I'm-too-cool-for-everyone stance. He straightened and handed her a bouquet of roses. So much for sweet. She hated roses. The rotten smell they emitted as they died off made her stomach turn.
I like the description of him. The last sentence reads awkwardly.
Nick leaned in and kissed her cheek. "Happy Birthday."
The stench of whiskey burned in her nostrils. Drunk again. She should've known. Even after all this time, she still wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Knowing he'd been drinking meant he came for only one of two things: he was in trouble or he wanted to get laid.
Cut “he came for only”—“he was in trouble” doesn’t follow logically otherwise and the sentence reads awkwardly.
I’m also not sure how much patience I have for a character like her (well, very little, actually—I hate lovey-dovey women).
I’d keep reading, but I’m not proactively hooked, per se, because this is a scene that definitely isn’t new—there are more definitely novels in which drunk boyfriends visit their girlfriends (at least it feels overdone). But it moves—on the most part, quickly enough—and I have a sense of character and voice, which is all good.