TITLE: The Fifth Generation
GENRE: Young Adult
"Oh, I ain't believin' this." Something turned in Devon Jones' gut and stuck like a grease clog in a drain, blocking the commands from his brain to his feet. Stop. One Nike shoe squeaked on the tiles.
A slouching silhouette stood against the glare of afternoon sunlight streaming through the glass doors leading to the bus lot. Though his cousin, Morris, stood only five-foot-six and had rail-thin limbs beneath his baggy clothes, his menacing stance had students crowding the walls to go around him. Three glittering chains draped down Morris' right thigh. One supported a massive Egyptian ankh, not because Morris believed anything in particular, but as a protest to Devon's new Christian faith.
A smile broke through the tough veneer of Morris' face. He couldn't bluff cool for very long. At his core Morris was a lemming. Nothing would get him back into the hallways of South Stiles High School but an order from somebody.
Devon hoisted his backpack higher and shambled forward. He exchanged a series of fist knocks with his cousin. All fake.
"Yo-yo, Dee. Came to carry you home." Morris' attempt at street talk couldn't survive his rural North Carolinian drawl.
Devon sucked in his lips. His mind blanked on a good excuse. "I can get the bus."
Morris' face scrunched up on one side. "I'm doin' you a favor and you're blowin' me off?"
A question rocketed heavenward through Devon's mind. Was lying a sin if it kept him out of trouble?
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hm.... aninteresting premise... I want to know more but I am so confused! I like the way you describe the relationship between the two cousins without actually saying anythign concrete - it's all through how they act towards each other.
ReplyDeleteI like that!
Thanks!
I didn't really feel anything one way or the other about this. The writing is solid, but I would probably not keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea that your protagonist is a "new Christian" because the complex play of faith vs. athiesm, especially in a high school environment, is interesting. Overlaying that with a tough guy vs. a protagonist who wants to play by the rules, though somewhat cliche, has potential because they're cousins so you get another layer of potential depth.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I don't think a high schooler who is also a "new Christian" would think of something as being "a sin." It would ring more true to me if he thought something like "Was lying still wrong if it kept him out of trouble?" In my experience, real Christian high schoolers (and I know quite a few) don't actually think in terms of "sin vs. not sin" and if you're not careful this protag is going to end up a caricature of a Christian rather than someone that a young believer (whether Christian, Jew, or any other faith) will relate to as real.
What does ring real, however, is the cousin's decision to wear an Ankh in order to tweak his Christian cousin. It resonates because it's exactly what someone would do if he didn't actually understand what he needed to do to be offensive and "almost" got it right. In this context it works beautifully.
I sense conflict between the cousins, which is good. "Nike shoe" is a little redundant. There's a little too much back story here for the opening to a story, but this seems like a good fish out of water story, and I like those.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that your words are getting in the way of your story. The ratio of description to actual action here is too big. You have a lot of words to describe Morris; same goes for the description of Devon's gut in the first paragraph. Stick with one concrete image; either his gut is turning or his feet won't move. One image is enough, especially in an opening. Also, this is a pet peeve of mine, but silhouettes don't stand. People stand and cast silhouettes. It's the same thing as saying "his hand picked up"...people pick things up with their hands, people stand. Dont' attribute a human action to a body part or shadow. Devon knows who the silhouette belongs to, no need to be crafty and hide the identity --i.e. Morris's name --in that first sentence of paragraph 2. It's fine to say "His cousin Morris slouched against a wall, right where the glare of afternoon sun streamed through the glass doors. The exact spot where no one, especially not Devon, could pretend not to see him."
ReplyDeleteAlso, remember that this is YA. I'm not sure whether having veneer, lemming, shambled, etc. all in the first 250 pages is overload or not. Brevity is key, and common words that belong to the YA voice are also key here. I'm just not 100% sure the language is ringing true to the genre or helping your story.
I thought this worked pretty well. I get a good sense of who both boys are, and you're telling your story rather than explaining it first. What's missing I think, is a problem, and some insight into what Devon is thinking and feeling here. We get your take on who Morris is, but we should really be get Devon's.
ReplyDeleteIt could use some tightening, so you might want to go through it again with that in mind.
Perhaps make the opening dialogue it's own paragraph. I didn't know who was speaking, if it was Devon or Morris. After a second reading, I went with Morris.
And I agree with the commenter who suggested you don't use the word 'sin.' I don't know if new Christians would use the word or not, but using both Christian and sin in this piece makes me wonder if I'm going to be preached to. I think it could cost you some readers.
I think this is quite strong, but could be stronger.
ReplyDeleteFor me this would work better without all the narrators conclusions and tightening up the writing.
For example, instead of telling us they were playing around, show us.
RE: title—this isn’t the most interesting or evocative title, so I suggest changing it, most definitely.
ReplyDeleteAs for the text—
"Oh, I ain't believin' this." Something turned in Devon Jones' gut and stuck like a grease clog in a drain, blocking the commands from his brain to his feet. Stop. One Nike shoe squeaked on the tiles.
Who’s the speaker?
Why would something in the gut block commands from his brain to his feet? Biologically, that makes no sense to me. I say just cut the second phrase and stop after “drain.”
“One Nike shoe” --> “One Nike”
I like the voice—a lot.
A slouching silhouette stood against the glare of afternoon sunlight streaming through the glass doors leading to the bus lot. Though his cousin, Morris, stood only five-foot-six and had rail-thin limbs beneath his baggy clothes, his menacing stance had students crowding the walls to go around him. Three glittering chains draped down Morris' right thigh. One supported a massive Egyptian ankh, not because Morris believed anything in particular, but as a protest to Devon's new Christian faith.
Can you give us a better idea of what it means to have a menacing stance? What about the stance is menacing?
“To go around” can be “to move past”—that better tells us that their intention is to get out and away, not just to circle. (It’s a matter of being super clear.)
What is the chain made of if it’s “glittering”? Be specific.
Cut “not because Morris believed anything in particular, but as” because the second phrase tells us exactly that, just in more specific terms.
A smile broke through the tough veneer of Morris' face. He couldn't bluff cool for very long. At his core Morris was a lemming. Nothing would get him back into the hallways of South Stiles High School but an order from somebody.
Change to “. . . Morris’ tough veneer.” (Smiles only appear on the face, after all.)
I still very much like this—I’m intrigued.
Devon hoisted his backpack higher and shambled forward. He exchanged a series of fist knocks with his cousin. All fake.
"Yo-yo, Dee. Came to carry you home." Morris' attempt at street talk couldn't survive his rural North Carolinian drawl.
Devon sucked in his lips. His mind blanked on a good excuse. "I can get the bus."
Morris' face scrunched up on one side. "I'm doin' you a favor and you're blowin' me off?"
A question rocketed heavenward through Devon's mind. Was lying a sin if it kept him out of trouble?
Awesome!
I think this is very good—you have two characters with interesting, evocative interaction; great details; voice; and a conflict established right upfront. It needs a bit of cleaning up, yes, but everything around it reads great. More so than some of the other excerpts, I WANT to read more.
Author here.
ReplyDeleteThis was my first time posting on this blog, so I'm not exactly sure of the protocol for responding to the comments. Hope this is okay!
First, thank you all for your comments to my opening. I appreciate the time you took to read and give your thoughts.
I might have been more specific in stating the genre. It's Contemporary Christian YA, meant for the CBA market. I actually added the "Christian" before "faith" in the second paragraph to make it clear. A mistake on my part. I don't think the word "sin" would bother my target readers. The setting here is rural North Carolina, where preachers use that word a lot. It would be in Devon's vocabulary.
Susan S... you mentioned a "caricature Christian." Devon is a new believer, and as such is struggling to figure out what he's supposed to do, how he's supposed to change, and what to do with all the aspects of his life that got him in trouble before (actually, Devon's own actions got him into trouble, not other people.) That's the conflict for him, and I think it's common for new Christians to grapple with those things. So I don't think I'm in danger of portraying a caricature. :-)
To our secret agent: Thank you! You gave a dream critique.
And to everyone: Thank you! A lot of valid points to consider and work on.