TITLE: A DIFFERENT WINTER
GENRE: Literary YA
Rebecca pulled open the sliding glass door and a rush of heat washed over her. Stepping outside, she closed the door and leaned over the balcony railing. Guitar music filtered from below, almost obliterated by the hiss of sand pulled to sea by the surf. A far cry from the strident guitar licks of Vietnam War protest rock that blared from her sister's stereo back at home, these dulcet classical notes crept into her psyche with soothing, exotic sweetness.
She closed her eyes and concentrated on the rhythm of waves and music, if only to drown out the sound of her parents arguing behind her.
Inside the apartment, her father's low voice intersected her mother's shrill protests. Somewhere in the mix, Rebecca heard the words, "New start," and "Time to think."
She wished they wouldn't fight, not just before Dad had to continue on to Algeria. Who knew when they'd see him again - weeks, months?
His habit of disappearing for ages seemed to have little effect on Rebecca's little brother Michael and her older sister Lori. Rebecca tended to count each day until Dad's return. Unannounced, he'd blow back into the house like a fresh breeze, often accompanied by smiles and exotic gifts from afar. Lori would fill him in on her current crushes, and Michael inevitably asked if Daddy had anything interesting in his pockets.
At times Rebecca imagined Dad wasn't a project manager, but really a spy with obscure missions in dangerous, faraway places.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hm ... I like the set up, but I think there needs to be more flow between what she sees with her eyes and what she's thinking with her heads.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I do like the way Rebecca observes and the language she uses - all of that seems very natural.
Thanks!
I like the quality of the writing very much and have a good beginning sense of Rebecca. However, it might be good to start with action, rather than a description of the scene -- e.g., tell us right away that Rebecca's leaving the house to get away from her parents' argument. You might also give us a clearer idea of who Rebecca is before offering so much about her siblings. As it is I'm not as keenly interested in reading more as I think an engaged reader should be. Especially a YA reader!
ReplyDeleteVery lovely writing!
I'm intrigued by the father always traveling to exotic places, and the sister's strident protest rock. But I have no idea what this book is about and who Rebecca is.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there are many repetitive words, especially in the beginning. More selective word choice would make this much stronger.
As it is now, I'm not hooked. But I really think this has promise.
I think you should open with the last sentence and then work in the other details.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence starting with "A far cry from," took me out of the story entirely.
I really like the last sentence.
Great first paragraph, and I like the descriptions. My only concern is that I didn't feel like her parents' fight was something new--something I hadn't read before. However, I love the writing overall, love the voice. Good work.
ReplyDeleteI thought the first paragraph was really overwritten, a lot of words that say little. For example, in the first sentence - a rush of heat washed over her. When we read that, we have no idea where the heat is coming from. Is she going inside after being out in the cold? Is she stepping into a greenhouse? A sauna? We don't know until we get to the next sentence, and then we can assume she's somewhere hot, but even then you don't say. We have to assume.
ReplyDeleteIf she is escaping the arguement, perhaps start with that, as it will set an entirely different tone. The first paragraph sets up a soft and calm atmosphere, and that isn't the case at all.
Since this is Rebecca's POV, use 'she' or 'her' when referring to her. When you say 'Rebecca' when she's thinking of herself, you move into a narrator's POV. She wouldn't think of herself as Rebecca. She'd think of herself as I or me, which in third person would be she or her.
The paragraph describing the brother and sister could be cut. It's there for the reader. We can find out who they are when they actually appear in a scene.
If you ask what happens in these 250 words, the answer is, Rebecca went out on the balcony and thought, which isn't very compelling.
" ...the strident guitar licks of Vietnam War protest rock that blared from her sister's stereo back at home" is the author stepping in to set the time, and it's awkward.
ReplyDeleteThis is okay, but (while I realize you have a word limit) there's no character depth and no hint of what the book's about (unless the last graf is a giveaway) - nothing to make this pop or intrigue the reader ... nothing to make the reader eager to turn the page.
Super suggestions, everyone! I like the idea of using the last sentence first.
ReplyDeleteI started this story eons ago, and since then it had morphed from women's fiction to YA.
I guess I forgot what it was really like to be a teenager.
Keep it up, gang! This is awesome!
RE: title—definitely like! Intriguing.
ReplyDeleteAs for the text—
Rebecca pulled open the sliding glass door and a rush of heat washed over her. Stepping outside, she closed the door and leaned over the balcony railing. Guitar music filtered from below, almost obliterated by the hiss of sand pulled to sea by the surf. A far cry from the strident guitar licks of Vietnam War protest rock that blared from her sister's stereo back at home, these dulcet classical notes crept into her psyche with soothing, exotic sweetness.
She closed her eyes and concentrated on the rhythm of waves and music, if only to drown out the sound of her parents arguing behind her.
Inside the apartment, her father's low voice intersected her mother's shrill protests. Somewhere in the mix, Rebecca heard the words, "New start," and "Time to think."
She wished they wouldn't fight, not just before Dad had to continue on to Algeria. Who knew when they'd see him again - weeks, months?
His habit of disappearing for ages seemed to have little effect on Rebecca's little brother Michael and her older sister Lori. Rebecca tended to count each day until Dad's return. Unannounced, he'd blow back into the house like a fresh breeze, often accompanied by smiles and exotic gifts from afar. Lori would fill him in on her current crushes, and Michael inevitably asked if Daddy had anything interesting in his pockets.
At times Rebecca imagined Dad wasn't a project manager, but really a spy with obscure missions in dangerous, faraway places.
You’re starting in the wrong place. (I’m not hooked, in other words; I wouldn’t keep reading.)
Thoughts and issues:
1- Do not, do not, do not add background information to the first 250 words—in the first few pages (first chapter, if possible!). You start telling a story, you give us snippets of possible causes of tension, and then you completely stop it all. That is the most irritating thing possible for a reader.
2- We do see snippets of tension (parents fighting), and that’s really where you should start. Either do it with an interesting piece of dialogue—a sentence that lets us know something tense is going on—or put an evocative sentence or two in front, something that sets up the scene. You’re wasting words dragging it out.
3- Work on making your sentences as efficient as possible.
For example: “Rebecca pulled open the sliding glass door and a rush of heat washed over her. Stepping outside, she closed the door and leaned over the balcony railing.” Those are your first two sentences. What they could be: “Rebecca slid open the glass door and stepped into the heat, closing the door behind her, then leaned over the railing.” That saved you six words (a lot)!
4- Ratchet up tension. Tell us first that your character’s parents are fighting and then tell us that she wants to lose herself in the music (but can’t)—make it quick because it’s not super important. What is important is why her parents are fighting.
5- Be careful about how you set things up. You’re interfering to tell us about the Vietnam War—yes, she may be listening to music, but it’s still more a plot device than it is natural. It should grow naturally from the scene.
5- Decide whether this is the place to start. If her parents get divorced, or if this family moves, or something changes, or whatever, it is FAR better to move to the spot that this new change begins and go from there.
6- You have some lovely, lovely gems here—lots of potential to the writing.
Overall, I'm not hooked, but I would be definitely eager to see some changes, as I think you've demonstrated this has promise.
Oops, mistake on my part.
ReplyDelete1- Do not, do not, do not add background information to the first 250 words—TO the first few pages (first chapter, if possible!).
[I'm saying you should avoid background information as much as possible. :-)]
"Do not, do not, do not add background information to the first 250 words"
ReplyDelete*Bows head in shame* I will try.
"We do see snippets of tension (parents fighting), and that’s really where you should start."
I love dialogue, so that's doable.
"Work on making your sentences as efficient as possible."
Thank you for the great example. I will implement it throughout.
"What is important is why her parents are fighting."
Excellent point. I must establish why Rebecca is upset without her thinking so much.
"You’re interfering to tell us about the Vietnam War—yes, she may be listening to music, but it’s still more a plot device than it is natural. It should grow naturally from the scene."
I guess I can lose the Vietnam part. The chapter title says "Mallorca 1974" so I probably don't need it. Love the Flamenco, though...
"It is FAR better to move to the spot that this new change begins and go from there."
They just arrived at their new place, so I hope I have that part right!
"You have some lovely, lovely gems here—lots of potential to the writing."
Aw... shucks. *blushes*
"Overall, I'm not hooked, but I would be definitely eager to see some changes, as I think you've demonstrated this has promise."
Thank you so much for the opportunity to see my opening lines as an agent would. I'm excited to continue.