TITLE: Immortal Lies
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Hunting Night.
It's one of those times everyone recognizes and most humans can't name. Ordinary folk step out after sundown and every hair stands on end. They check over their shoulders like a nervous tic as they walk down a deserted street. Little things--everything--makes them jump. Smart people listen to their instincts, stay inside and lock their doors.
There are a lot of not-smart people in the world ignoring their lizard brains.
Mine told me that on a night like this, I'd be better off inside watching movies with my girlfriend, and yet somehow I found myself on a street corner. Again.
Not that I had to be out there. No one pointed at the sidewalk and commanded me to stay. I'd put myself on duty. I didn't have to play guardian to this side of the city, but if I did, I had the chance to stop something, save someone from heading down the path I'd traveled and regretted most nights of my unlife.
And honestly, who wouldn't get a little thrill from being the lurking shadow at the corner of the eye? I don't know what the girl was thinking when she ducked down the side street, shoulders hunched around her ears, but I imagined she at least had a fitting soundtrack playing
on her mental radio. She'd chosen a shortcut that every fiber of her being should have struggled to avoid.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This was a really interesting opening. I liked the description of the nervous tic etc as a person walks out after sundown. It is a rare and gifted author who can really capture those effervescent moments like that in words so strong that a reader can recognize that emotion or feeling right away. The author here has certainly done that to great affect! I also liked the set up of the girl going into the alley by herself towards a shadow. It makes me want to read more!
ReplyDeleteI like it, and I'd like to see where this goes, but I gotta say this is soooo much like a scene in the Twilight series that I immediately think "seen it already."
ReplyDeleteI liked this. The description of "hunting night" does a nice job of translating a feeling everyone has had into something paranormal - and that's a very engaging technique.
ReplyDeleteThe phrase "like a nervous tic" was distracting to me (I noticed a previous commenter did like it, so remember this is all subjective). I'd probably recommend just cutting "like a nervous tic" - the rest of the paragraph is so good and flows so well that I think you get more mileage without it.
I like the voice and the narrator. I admit I was a little disappointed to figure out (by implication) that he's probably a vampire - like another previous commenter I think vampires are getting a little overdone - but if there's something that makes this vampire unique that comes up later, that probably wouldn't be too much of an issue. (I'm deliberately ignoring the fact that he's trying to save others from walking his path because Anne Rice did that already, and with great complexity, in The Vampire Chronicles.)
My favorite part was the fact that the narrator (a) gets a thrill from being the lurking shadow and (b) realizes it. That self-awareness makes for very interesting reading.
If I picked this up in a bookstore, I would read more, and since I'm not a paranormal or urban fantasy reader most of the time that's saying something.
LOved this! Loved the way this moved forward and twisted a bit at the end - the reader is left wondering - is he bad, is he good? And I just love that.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
Left me with a sense of dread. Like the idea of a fitting soundtrack on her mental radio. Would have liked some more showing instead of telling re hunting night. Maybe a little thing that made them jump. But you pulled me in and I'd read on to see who this is and what's about to happen. Good job.
ReplyDeleteThis was fantastic. Loved it from beginning to end. Great atmosphere and just the right level of detail.
ReplyDeleteNothing happens here until the very end when the girl walks down the alley. Everything that comes before it is explanation and set up. It's written very well and there's even some tone and mood here, but I kept saying to myself- Come on. Start the story. Perhaps start with - I didn't know what the girl was thinking . . . and get right into things?
ReplyDeleteA few things - Perhaps - as if they had a nervous tic?
Right after he calls people not-so smart for being outside, he tells us he's outside. Are we to believe he's not-so-smart?
I like the premise of hunting night very much, but the long stretch of narrative here is basically a pseudo-infodump, and it kind of killed this piece for me.
ReplyDeleteMinor nit first: Lizard brains are stupid. Ignoring their lizard brains can imply not being stupid (smart). So how are not-smart people being smart? You have too many negatives in that third paragraph sentence. I'm not saying everyone will read it this way, but if even half of your readers trip on that sentence, that's bad. You want every word you use to help set the scene, and this isn't doing it.
Major nits: do we really need all this lead in about how people are smart vs. stupid? I'm not sure what impression you're trying to give, but you're not setting a scene, which should be your goal here. I.e. what is your character experiencing? I've no clue what he's seeing/feeling/doing except that at the bottom of the page, a girl appears. You could be so vivid with this. Describe what he can see, what little noises raise the hairs on his arm (be specific!). Set the mood. Give us his physical reactions to the fear and/or thrill he's experiencing (heart racing, hearing keen, eyes darting around, foot bouncing uncontrollably...is he shivering in the cold? enjoying a cool night in the middle of summer? sweating?). What does the girl look like? When she appears, does she notice him? Does he notice anything hunting her? How is she acting, besides having hunched shoulders? All of this can put a reader physically, and more importantly, emotionally in the scene. And it would do it much better than a speech about the stupidity of people. I would love this if it had the spooky in-the-moment feel that hunting night implies, though. It's just not there yet.
A few minor rough spots, but I like it - and I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteSomething feels off t me, but I can't put my finger on it.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I liked it.
RE: the title—It’s meh-ish for me. I think there are definitely stronger titles out there.
ReplyDeleteHunting Night.
This is intriguing (though I think vampires and werewolves—better show me how this is going to be exciting right off the bat!).
It's one of those times everyone recognizes and most humans can't name. Ordinary folk step out after sundown and every hair stands on end. They check over their shoulders like a nervous tic as they walk down a deserted street. Little things--everything--makes them jump. Smart people listen to their instincts, stay inside and lock their doors.
This is a bad plot technique to use—you’re creating fake tension. What the reader is wondering here is why the heck any of this is true (why humans feel something) and it would be far more effective for you to just tell us what the heck is going on—what kind of magic (or whatever, good or bad) arises when these people/creatures?
There are a lot of not-smart people in the world ignoring their lizard brains.
Not sure how I feel about this. I don’t like the character (but that may not be the case forever, if some kind of redemptive qualities arise). This sentence also summarizes everything that you explained in the sentence above—let the reader assume that there are some things the humans don’t catch and the give us details about what’s actually happening (no fake tension).
Mine told me that on a night like this, I'd be better off inside watching movies with my girlfriend, and yet somehow I found myself on a street corner. Again.
No, no, no—minds just don’t think things like that randomly. (You’re interfering as the author.) You need to show what makes this night different or give us something from the POV of those who are hunting. (How does this human know it’s hunting night otherwise?) I’m a little bit confused.
Not that I had to be out there. No one pointed at the sidewalk and commanded me to stay. I'd put myself on duty. I didn't have to play guardian to this side of the city, but if I did, I had the chance to stop something, save someone from heading down the path I'd traveled and regretted most nights of my unlife.
And honestly, who wouldn't get a little thrill from being the lurking shadow at the corner of the eye? I don't know what the girl was thinking when she ducked down the side street, shoulders hunched around her ears, but I imagined she at least had a fitting soundtrack playing on her mental radio. She'd chosen a shortcut that every fiber of her being should have struggled to avoid.
Similar thoughts as what’s above—you really need to establish what makes this night unique and why your character has any idea about this “bad thing” that’s going to happen. (It’s abstract and coincidental—complete author intervention—otherwise.)
I’m intrigued, though, and so I would keep reading, but otherwise, this can definitely be more effective.