TITLE: Athena: Ready to Fight
GENRE: Historical Fantasy
Odysseus clung to the black crags that bit into his hands, defying the surge of water that tore at his body and treated him like a loose cork in the bitter sea. The crash of surf against the rocky shore told him the backwash was headed his way, and he knew his muscles were too weak to keep hold. Athena has abandoned me.
He saw the tide turn, felt the first tug that would tear him loose. Young crabs were swept back out to sea with more dignity than this. But that knowledge lifted him from his despair. He let go of the rock.
Odysseus could have chuckled at his own craftiness when he found where the water was only choppy, not crashing against the hard shore. He swam while gazing at that fell coast, looking for any imperfection, any gap in those rocks. Something, even a spit of sand in the dawn light. Then he saw it.
A river. The sandy mouth beckoned through the wind-driven spray, but he felt his strength ebbing. Shipwreck and the black rocks had left cuts that stung his hands, and each stroke came weaker.
Then a strange wind pushed him and the waves forward, up the mouth of the river, the sea invading land. He tensed his numb legs, in case some submerged rock would tear at his knees as the reverse current took him upstream. A little cove found him, then he was in still water.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hm ... I recognize the characters instantly (what Historian doesn't?) and I like how to opens, already in the thick of it, already ready to get going. So congrats on that!
ReplyDeleteBut I find some of your sentences a tad choppy - it's not awful., but you start off a sentence with such promise like "Odysseus clung to the black crags that bit into his hands, defying the surge of water that tore at his body and treated him like a loose cork..." and then end quickly. I think I wouldn't mind more of an image to go with this.
Otherwise - awesome!
Thanks!
Well, I thought it was kind of weird that it's titled 'Athena,' and you started with Odysseus.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ammy Belle that there didn't seem to be any follow through. The scene is set with him clinging to the rock, but we don't learn what he thinks or feels. Is the water cold? Is he shivering? Is he being sucked under and spat out again? He's just there.
And it's virtually all told, which leaves few visuals. If you showed most of this it could be a lot stronger.
I confess, this feel a bit scattered. It seems like you tell us things that have happened but not how we got from one point to the next.
ReplyDeleteI also felt like the personification of the outside forces was disorienting. The waves treated him like... The surf told him... Made him feel more like a passive participant to me than the hero struggling against outside forces.
That said, I think you have some beautiful imagery here. And I love the chosen time period and focus.
To be blunt, I don't think this is doing anything for you as an opening for two reasons. First, while you as the author are clearly in the scene, you're not putting the reader in the scene. This is mostly a show vs. tell thing. Show me the craggy rocks and their relationship to the ocean, the shore (i.e. distance), and to Odysseus. Show me more than just his actions. I need to know where the crashing tide is vs. where the backwash is vs. the choppy non-crashing water. And this goes beyond just knowing Odysseus is in choppy water. Set the scene. Establish the place. Bring the reader onto the "stage" as it were. The second reason this is failing as an opening for me is that the tension is superficial. He lets go of the rock and then, through no apparent struggle of his own (how does letting go of the rock make him crafty? and really if all he had to do was swim, why was he wasting time and strength clinging to a rock?), he makes it to still waters. Tension instantly gone, and there's no other source of tension to counterbalance that loss. That pushes me out rather than pulling me in. I'm not sure if this is the ideal starting place for you.
ReplyDeleteImmediate thought—there is a better title out there.
ReplyDeleteYour text:
Odysseus clung to the black crags that bit into his hands, defying the surge of water that tore at his body and treated him like a loose cork in the bitter sea. The crash of surf against the rocky shore told him the backwash was headed his way, and he knew his muscles were too weak to keep hold. Athena has abandoned me.
I’m going to be picky because I always am when reading submissions. There are two awkward and/or weak phrases in this paragraph that you can tighten—“and treated him” (I don’t see the surge of water as treating Odysseus like anything—the word implies that the water wants to do this to him, but that’s not true; don’t leave your character to be passive) and “told him” (there is most definitely a stronger way to write that entire sentence—“told” is a weak verb, especially when it comes to the crash of surf).
Also, I would have liked to see something a bit more specific to your character. Particularly, I’m not sure (throughout the entire excerpt) what he’s thinking—is he afraid or does he have this conquered? If conquered, why are you starting here? (It’s no longer a sense of tension.) If he’s afraid, why? Show us the source of tension and fear in the setting.
He saw the tide turn, felt the first tug that would tear him loose. Young crabs were swept back out to sea with more dignity than this. But that knowledge lifted him from his despair. He let go of the rock.
This is good, but I’m no longer concerned about your MC. Again I wonder why you’re starting here.
Odysseus could have chuckled at his own craftiness when he found where the water was only choppy, not crashing against the hard shore. He swam while gazing at that fell coast, looking for any imperfection, any gap in those rocks. Something, even a spit of sand in the dawn light. Then he saw it.
What was crafty?
There’s no tension here—I want to sense that something terrible will happen if he doesn’t find that imperfection or gap in the rocks… You lose any hope of tension with the river below, too.
A river. The sandy mouth beckoned through the wind-driven spray, but he felt his strength ebbing. Shipwreck and the black rocks had left cuts that stung his hands, and each stroke came weaker.
Another weak-ish phrase is “each stroke came weaker.” There are stronger verbs than “came.”
Also, I think this is another moment in which you can give more details—what do the cuts feel like? Is he in pain? (I imagine that salted water on cuts would hurt like hell.)
Then a strange wind pushed him and the waves forward, up the mouth of the river, the sea invading land. He tensed his numb legs, in case some submerged rock would tear at his knees as the reverse current took him upstream. A little cove found him, then he was in still water.
I think this would read cleaner with an “and” after the last comma. And there’s no tension.
Overall, this is good in that I’d keep on reading because I’m intrigued enough to know what happens (maybe just because I love these historical figures). I like how you don’t hold onto any particular moment and keep the pace moving, within 250 words getting your MC from one spot to another, but the problem is that there is no tension—that tension has to be shown, too, not told. I would have liked to see a bit more specifics to your character and what’s in his head.
I’d guess that Odysseus is on some kind of mission or will meet someone soon—go to the one specific event without which the story couldn’t exist and start there.
I liked your descriptions a lot, but I found the scene a bit confusing and hard to keep track. I honestly suggest tightening up a bit and getting to the action faster. We know he's almost drowning, so no need to waste 250 words on it. The first sentence is a bit too long for me with too many elements happening. The last paragraph also has 'then' twice, which isn't bad; it just read strange and doesn't do anything for the flow in my opinion. Other than that, you use beautiful, colourful language, which is hard to find nowadays.
ReplyDeleteI love your use of language. I found this excerpt beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteBut there's no emotion, other than his initial defiance and that brief chuckle when he figures out that letting go is the right answer. It's not particularly crafty, either, sadly and I certainly expect this historical figure, one of my favorites, to be very clever and passionate. Show us! :)
Be careful with the "strange wind" rescue, though. It struck me a little like "and then a miracle happened", which immediately erases all concern. Despite the fact that you mention the shipwreck, I get the sense that everything's fine now. Keep reeling me in.
You lost me at "Odysseus."
ReplyDelete