TITLE: Spring Chickens
GENRE: Contemporary Romance
I'm not running away.
The thought scrolled through her head like one of those LCD displays they use at the bank to display interest rates. Lynne Prescott flexed her fingers in an effort to pry them from the death grip she had on the steering wheel since heading south from Springfield, Missouri. Taking care of the task at hand was the only thing of interest to her.
I'm not running away, I'm just taking care of business.
She eased her foot off the accelerator and checked the GPS display again. A few unmarked streets cross-hatched the cartoonish ribbon of highway depicted on the map. Blank spaces of pale yellow represented the dormant fields that had been her constant companions since she steered her way out of the Ozark National Forest.
I'm not running away. If I were running away, I'd have gone
someplace...better. Like...Tahiti. Miles of powdery sun-bleached beaches, turquoise water, and those sexy little bungalows with the thatched roofs....
Lynne snorted and shook her head, too aware the only thing more pathetic than checking into one of those romantic little bungalows alone would be whipping an A.A.R.P. membership card out of her wallet and demanding a ten percent discount on said bungalow.
No, I'm not running away. I'm doing what I should have done long ago.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Excellent chick lit! You really allow the voice of the genre to click through, I am very happy with this! And hell - when you start something off with such a statement, I am naturally interested!
ReplyDeleteThanks!
I liked this! I thought the pacing was great. The repeat of "I'm not running away," felt perfect to me. It seemed to be there in just the right places at just the right times. And the bit about Tahiti showed a nice bit of characterization and voice. I'd read more!
ReplyDeleteGood opening. Strong voice, which I loved, and the touch of humor. Excellent use of, and believable progression with, the repetition of "I'm not running away." You hooked me.
ReplyDeleteI'm not running away from this. A lot going on here in a short time but I followed willingly. I might get in trouble with some folks for saying this but maybe another way you could show the age is how the character looks at the GPS. Or have it talk to her and give wrong directions. My mother would follow her GPS if it told her to drive off a cliff, which it often does because she does not know how to work it and puts the wrong info in. Good job. Enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening. I love the first line, and the repetition of it while you ground us in where we are and what's going on. Very nice voice to this.
ReplyDeleteImmediate thought—interesting title! It fits the genre, I think.
ReplyDeleteYour text:
I'm not running away.
Good first sentence.
The thought scrolled through her head like one of those LCD displays they use at the bank to display interest rates. Lynne Prescott flexed her fingers in an effort to pry them from the death grip she had on the steering wheel since heading south from Springfield, Missouri. Taking care of the task at hand was the only thing of interest to her.
The simile is too long—it makes the entire paragraph kind of awkward.
The next sentence could read cleaner—“LP flexed her fingers in an effort to pry them from the steering wheel.” “Pry” implies that there is a death grip. We also don’t need to know where she’s heading—not yet. It’s not important to the scene. I say cut the last sentence in this paragraph, too, because the thought below says the exact same thing in a stronger way (so the two are redundant).
I'm not running away, I'm just taking care of business.
I’d say cut “I’m not running away.” You said it one sentence before, so it’s still on my mind, and the second sentence will be stronger because it adds tension to the tension that appeared in that first thought.
She eased her foot off the accelerator and checked the GPS display again. A few unmarked streets cross-hatched the cartoonish ribbon of highway depicted on the map. Blank spaces of pale yellow represented the dormant fields that had been her constant companions since she steered her way out of the Ozark National Forest.
This is good.
I'm not running away. If I were running away, I'd have gone
someplace...better. Like...Tahiti. Miles of powdery sun-bleached beaches, turquoise water, and those sexy little bungalows with the thatched roofs....
Again, I think this would be stronger without “I’m not running away.” You’re layering the thought at the beginning—repetition takes away from the strength of that first thought. I like the voice that comes through here.
Lynne snorted and shook her head, too aware the only thing more pathetic than checking into one of those romantic little bungalows alone would be whipping an A.A.R.P. membership card out of her wallet and demanding a ten percent discount on said bungalow.
This would read better as “too aware that.”
I like this—like the voice.
No, I'm not running away. I'm doing what I should have done long ago.
I think you should keep the “I’m not running away” here because it ties up the entire train of thought from that first sentence. It’s strong and it’s intriguing.
Overall, this is very good. I’d keep on reading to see whether the next scenes maintained the level of tension and mystery demonstrated here, in addition to the voice—the voice is key. Great pacing—you moved me from one thing to the next, and I’m eager to read forward because I wasn’t bored or irritated (happens too often). :-)
Oops, error on my part.
ReplyDeleteI'm not running away, I'm just taking care of business.
I’d say cut “I’m not running away.” You said it one PARAGRAPH before, so it’s still on my mind, and the second sentence will be stronger because it adds tension to the tension that appeared in that first thought.
I'm curious what she's up to. I infer she's a bank employee with enough money to make it to Tahiti if she felt like it, two elements that intrigue me.
ReplyDeleteThere's a bit of an echo in the phrase "taking care" that was a distracting. First you write that "Taking care of the task at hand was the only thing of interest to her," but then she's noticing her surroundings and thinking of Tahiti. I'd delete that line and keep just the taking care of business line instead.
Good job.
I thought the title was perfect. I'd keep on reading based on that alone. The voice is great and definitely fits romance. I'm not keen on the repetitive "I'm not running away" part. Other than that, I really can't fault anything here and would continue reading a few more pages to see where it's going.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you've interspersed thought with action here. It kept me reading and kept me connected to Lynne, which is always a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm not getting a good sense of her as older, though, until you make the AARP mention. I'm not sure exactly how to advise you to put that in. Maybe a little less comfort with the GPS or the scrolling display at the bank. Maybe she remembers Tahiti from twenty years ago.
She definitely comes across as a character with spunk and she could be a lot of fun to follow. Good work!
Those scrolling, yellow and red, screens are typically made of LED lighting, not LCD.
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for your comments. They are very helpful!
ReplyDelete