TITLE: An Obscure Homicide
GENRE: Thriller
Jimmy Madison didn't look like a killer.
When mothers saw him jogging along the beach, they'd think, now there's a nice boy. Why can't my daughter meet a guy like that? He was tall and lanky, with a cheerful countenance and the kind of wide-eyed innocence you'd associate with a child, although he had a bullet-hole scar in his back. Barely nineteen, he looked like a surfer with long blond hair and deeply tanned face, but he had an air of purpose about him that people admired even without knowing he went to the community college at night and worked full-time to help support his family.
Those admiring sidewalk mothers—unaware his father was serving a life term back in Connecticut for murdering a young girl—would figure, correctly, that Jimmy already had a girlfriend. In fact, he was happily engaged to his high school sweetheart, the wedding six months away. He was working hard, saving money.
Killing was just part of his job.
He sat on the sand and closed his eyes, anticipating.
Once you were in the mood, it was easy and fun. Not to mention exciting.
You squeeze the trigger. The recoil from the weapon—a 9 mm Uzi, a Heckler & Koch MP7, or a ridiculously potent multi-barreled auto-feed cannon—throws you backward. The explosion pounds your eardrums. The bright flash lingers on your retina. The projectile sears the gap, leaving a faint trail of pungent smoke and displaced air, and slams into the enemy.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wow - what a beginning. I mean it's a huge punch at the first line, then it mellows out and explores him a bit, then goes back to him being a killer.
ReplyDeleteI think I'd like more about his life, even initially. Like, the name of his high school sweetheart, the location of this story, etc. Just something to make it that much more real. Anyways, I am definitely interested!
Thanks!
I thought you had a great opening line. After that, it seemed to fizzle out. I didn't care what other people thought of your MC. And I would have prefered to have seen him interacting with his girlfriend, maybe a bit of dialogue that hinted at his background. This feels more like a character sketch you do for yourself before you start writing.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, what do I know about Jimmy and his story? He's a hardworking guy who likes to kill people. But I don't know what his dilemma is. I don't know where the story is going. Maybe his next job is to kill his girlfriend's father. Now there's a dilemma. Perhaps give us less narrator and more plot.
LOVE the first line. In fact, I love the whole thing, beginning to end. Bravo.
ReplyDeleteThe first line is great. But then you drown us in detail. There is so much time to flesh out his looks later. I mean... the rush of killing, sure, that's fine. But I had to fight through everything that wasn't the first line or last paragraph.
ReplyDeleteRE: title—I’m positive that there is definitely a stronger title out there. Find it.
ReplyDeleteAs for the text:
Jimmy Madison didn't look like a killer.
Great first line!
When mothers saw him jogging along the beach, they'd think, now there's a nice boy. Why can't my daughter meet a guy like that? He was tall and lanky, with a cheerful countenance and the kind of wide-eyed innocence you'd associate with a child, although he had a bullet-hole scar in his back. Barely nineteen, he looked like a surfer with long blond hair and deeply tanned face, but he had an air of purpose about him that people admired even without knowing he went to the community college at night and worked full-time to help support his family.
This is tough for me.
Your first sentence requires that you give us some kind of description, so I don’t fault you for following through with it, but I do have some problems with this second paragraph. There’s too much description. I want to know why he doesn’t look like a killer in one sentence, in one phrase, which is hard to do—otherwise, I want to get into the story. (See, I care that he doesn’t look like a killer, but I don’t care what he looks like in depth—it’s a paradox!)
Those admiring sidewalk mothers—unaware his father was serving a life term back in Connecticut for murdering a young girl—would figure, correctly, that Jimmy already had a girlfriend. In fact, he was happily engaged to his high school sweetheart, the wedding six months away. He was working hard, saving money.
I like how you’re following through with what you set up in that first sentence and the next paragraph—it holds together overall. I like all of this information, too, and I don’t think it’s bad information to have early on, since it adds to the entire tension that you’re trying to build.
I just think there’s probably a stronger way to do it—this information will be more interesting and relevant once we are hooked by something plot-related. Character development always adds layers to the plot.
Killing was just part of his job.
Another good sentence.
He sat on the sand and closed his eyes, anticipating.
This stalls the pacing—I don’t want to hear this. I want to see him do something!
Once you were in the mood, it was easy and fun. Not to mention exciting.
Generic words… Also, this is something that you can show us in a scene in which Jimmy kills someone. Don’t tell us—we’re stalling.
You squeeze the trigger. The recoil from the weapon—a 9 mm Uzi, a Heckler & Koch MP7, or a ridiculously potent multi-barreled auto-feed cannon—throws you backward. The explosion pounds your eardrums. The bright flash lingers on your retina. The projectile sears the gap, leaving a faint trail of pungent smoke and displaced air, and slams into the enemy.
Again, we’re stalling—I want to see him kill someone!
Interesting that you use the word “enemy.”
Overall—sorry!—it’s hard for me to give helpful feedback on this excerpt without knowing how the rest of the scene/chapter unfolds. My gut instinct is to recommend that you get right into the nitty gritty of the scene—the kill—to hook us and save that first sentence for later—use it as a last sentence, even, to keep reader intrigue.
Scenes in which a murder takes place are always hook material, and your scene will be unique because Jimmy doesn’t look like a murderer—does that make sense? It would tie up the scene in a fresh way and allow you to play a bit with structure.
I’d keep reading, but I’m not proactively hooked, not yet.
Like the other commenters, I think the description does bog you down a little too much. I'll try to comment on things that haven't already been said:
ReplyDeleteI'd cut out all the weapon names from the last paragraph. Jimmy's a killer and we'll learn that he knows his stuff - you don't have to prove it here. The sentence is much stronger without the list clause.
You could probably cut half the descriptions of Jimmy an still give us plenty to move on with. Flesh out the rest as we go along.
As far as I'm concerned (and I read a lot of thrillers) you had me at his father being in prison for killing a girl and then "Killing was just part of [Jimmy's] job." That's a nice one-two punch, and I wasn't expecting to have Jimmy be a killer once I learned his father was in prison. Kudos for that.
I do like this, and I'd read more, though I'd like to see more action at the start.
This is a great opener! Love the voice, love the details. I like Jimmy immediately, which seems to be the point.
ReplyDeleteI would make the sentence about the bullet-hole scar stand on it's own.
I'm not sure what him having a father in prison has to do with the sidewalk mothers thinking he has a girlfriend.
Sadly, the last paragraph tripped me up. Shifting from third to second person jerked me out of the flow of your story. I'd suggest sticking to third.
I'd read on, though, to find out what's going to happen. Nicely done.
Great first line.
ReplyDeleteThe last paragraph has me second-guessing what kind of killer he is. My understanding is that for someone who knows how to handle an Uzi there isn't a lot of recoil. And there's even less recoil for an MP7. So I'm not seeing how the MC is thrown back when firing them. And then "explosion" has me questioning what kind of killing he's doing. A marksman after a single person is going to fire one shot (especially if they consider themself a professional), not spray the victim. So I'm not getting the "explosion" unless he's trying to kill or wound crowds of people at a time. A single shot doesn't equate to "explosion" for me.
Switching tenses in the last couple of paragraphs also threw me a bit. I couldn't tell if he was in the process of setting up for a kill -- He sat on the sand -- or simply imagining how it feels to follow through --You squeeze the trigger.
I do like the juxtaposition of what he is vs what he seems to be, but I do think having him setting up for the kill will win your readers over right up front.
My problem is that (besides the several paragraphs of passive description) is that Jimmy seems to be the main character, and I don't like him.
ReplyDelete