TITLE: Trial of the Heart
GENRE: Women's fiction
The doorbell rang while Emily was baking cookies with her two-year-old son. Or rather, she was cleaning up, and Sean was eating one of the cookies. Leaving him laughing in his highchair, she moved to answer the bell. When she saw the flashes of blue and white lights in the foyer, her steps quickened.
A heavy knock on the front door made her jump as she reached for the handle. She pressed the latch and pulled open the door.
Two police officers stood on the brick stoop, their dark winter overcoats in stark contrast to the snow-dusted bushes beside them. In the driveway sat the source of the flashing lights, a white police cruiser puffing exhaust clouds into the frigid air. She was barely aware of shivering as she returned her gaze to the two officers. "Can I ... help you?"
"Mrs. Emily Hennas?" the taller officer said.
Her mouth wouldn't work. She nodded.
The shorter officer slowly removed her police hat, glanced down at her hands.
A burst of wind tousled the tall man's short brown hair as he met her eyes. "Mrs. Hennas, we're with the Minnesota State Police. Ma'am ... I'm afraid there's been an accident involving your husband and children."
Emily tried to swallow down her panic. "There ... has to be some mistake. They were just going to the store to get ... to get ... Where are they?"
Miss Snark's First Victim
What a terrible scene (in the emotional sense) and you catch it beautifully and tragically.
ReplyDeleteI think I wouldn't mind some more build up (near impossible with only 250 words) like the reflections of the light on the hallway, the sounds she hears, the smell of the place - time slowing and such.
But this was great!
Thanks!
Gave me goosebumps!
ReplyDeleteI'd like some more description as well, more with the two year old that is there...maybe some dialogue, more warm fuzzies to fill the house with happy before the sad hits.
One sentence I noticed..."She pressed the latch and pulled open the door." This is unnecessary description, it's implied she has to do that, and spelling out each and every movement and step can get a little much if there is too much of that kind of thing throughout. Just something to look out for.
I really like where this story is going. I can feel the cold and the wind blowing in the door, and feel her panic. I want to know what happens next!
I agree with the previous comments. This needs a bit in description to help create mood and tone. And let's see just how happy she is so the crash feels even worse.
ReplyDeletePerhaps also let her have a few thoughts about her husband and kids before the cops arrive. There was no worry for me when the cops knocked on the door, because you didn't give me anything to worry about. But if I had known she had a husband and more kids, the minute you mention the red and blue lights, I'm wondering, 'Oh no. What happened?' There's immediate tension, suspense, and worry.
I think more than needing more details, this needs more of the right details and less of the commonplace or obvious ones. When there are flashing lights and policemen at the door, we all know there's a police cruiser in the drive without being told. I also felt like the second sentence totally blew the impact of the first one. The first creates a homey atmosphere, the second just has a "oh, I was just kidding" feel to it which makes the reader not trust you.
ReplyDeleteThe right details would do what the others have said, set up a better contrast. Because this is a cliched beginning to a story and it won't work unless you make it so meaningful or so unique that no matter how common the actual event, it feels like the first time we've seen this.
I also agree! You have a great sense of forward movement, but I'd like a little more description of both setting and characters so I can attach to both. I think its hard for every writer to find that balance between setting the scene and jumping into the plot right away. Give me a little bit about Emily! As a mother I sympathize with her panic right away, but I'd like to feel her as an individual in this kind of intimate scene. Hope this helps-- its a great start!
ReplyDeleteRE: title—the title is definitely a women’s fiction title. :-) It fits!
ReplyDeleteAs for the text:
The doorbell rang while Emily was baking cookies with her two-year-old son. Or rather, she was cleaning up, and Sean was eating one of the cookies. Leaving him laughing in his highchair, she moved to answer the bell. When she saw the flashes of blue and white lights in the foyer, her steps quickened.
A heavy knock on the front door made her jump as she reached for the handle. She pressed the latch and pulled open the door.
You can be more concise in these two paragraphs—the key is to start at the moment that starts the story, not even a phrase earlier. These entire two paragraphs could be potentially summarized in a sentence like this: “The first thing Emily saw when she opened the door were the flashes of blue and white lights in the driveway.” Boom, tension! Everyone knows what that means.
The first paragraph—the details—is completely unnecessary. I don’t care that Emily was baking and that her son is now eating her cookies—this is unimportant to me as a reader since it clearly doesn’t contribute to the real story here.
Two police officers stood on the brick stoop, their dark winter overcoats in stark contrast to the snow-dusted bushes beside them.
Good.
In the driveway sat the source of the flashing lights, a white police cruiser puffing exhaust clouds into the frigid air.
This isn’t necessary (and might be redundant)—you have to let your readers assume some things.
She was barely aware of shivering as she returned her gaze to the two officers. "Can I ... help you?"
That first sentence could be stronger—avoid passivity: “She barely noticed her shiver as she turned her gaze to the officers.”
(If you like my idea of a first sentence, you could also bring this last sentence—about the shiver and the officers—and connect it with the sentence earlier, about the officers on the brick stoop. Cut as much as you can to keep this moving forward!)
"Mrs. Emily Hennas?" the taller officer said.
Her mouth wouldn't work. She nodded.
The shorter officer slowly removed her police hat, glanced down at her hands.
A burst of wind tousled the tall man's short brown hair as he met her eyes. "Mrs. Hennas, we're with the Minnesota State Police. Ma'am ... I'm afraid there's been an accident involving your husband and children."
Great! (And terrible, yes.)
Emily tried to swallow down her panic. "There ... has to be some mistake. They were just going to the store to get ... to get ... Where are they?"
I’m not sure that a person in shock would say so much, but it’s definitely possible. Can you maybe integrate a little bit more emotion and thought process here—how is Emily processing this?
Also, be sure that you end this scene/chapter as soon as possible—it might be as early as the news the police officer shares. Be careful not to drag this scene out if all you’re going to show is this woman’s devastation, since that is something you can let the reader assume, and feel free to jump forward.
I’d keep reading, as overall this is well-written, but this is most definitely not a unique first scene—one way to make it more unique is to put your main character in a different setting. (Most bad news of this sort is delivered to the spouse at home, but what if you placed Emily in a location that made her more vulnerable? What if she was volunteering at a fair or festival or something of the sort at her son’s school that night?) It would be a pass from me if, within a few pages, I did not get a sense of your character or the setting or the story that made it fresh—details and a voice will contribute to making that possible.
This is a tough one for me. I can identify with the premise and horrible surprise and dread of the situation, but the writing isn't immediate enough.
ReplyDeleteI also wanted more of a sense of what this soon-to-be-unhappy home is like. Are there spices in the air from the cookies? Does Emily have music playing?
We need the emotion so that you can make us feel the dread that Emily does when she recognizes that she's seeing police lights and finally sees the officers as they give her bad news.
I'm not sure about her question at the end, either. I think it's more likely that she'd ask whether they were all right or what happened, instead of where they are.
A promising set up. Just needs some polishing.
Oh, this is going to be a heartbreaker. I think you'd pack more of a punch if you just jumped right into her opening the door. I understand that you want to convey the normalacy that was shattered, but I think it could start off a little stronger.
ReplyDeleteExcellent work!
Thank you all for the excellent comments. As it is written, the uniqueness of the scene (and the book) comes just after word 250 - not helpful in this situation. : (
ReplyDeleteThe opening only has 450 words and Emily's strange response (reaction) has meaning. I appreciate all of your suggestions, especially from the secret agent, and will tighten up the scene. PS - the cookies also have meaning later in the story. ;-)
I don't think the police would use the lights on their cruisers when issuing a death notification. If that's what the scene is about you may want to consider that. It's a good scene, but it may be a bit more realistic (and scarier in a way) if the lights are not flashing.
ReplyDelete