TITLE: Blackbird
GENRE: YA Fantasy Thriller
Sure, someone is trying to kill Taylor and Regan being with her is extremely dangerous. Sure, he blames her for his sister's death. Still, Regan is going to finally make a move.
Oh crap. He's gonna kiss me! He's gonna kiss me and... then what? We're a couple? Do I want to be a couple? YES! NO! I don't know. What if he gets hurt? What if I get hurt? What if he hurts me? He's so messed up, like Pyrrhus said. What if he...
And then he kissed me.
It was as if the entire world was our two forms in that room, and nothing and no one else existed. The skies parted as rays of sunlight shone down, birds chirped merrily, and cartoon woodland creatures danced around us. It was that sort of kiss. My first kiss.
Once we finally broke apart, I resisted the temptation to check my watch, not for the time, but for the date. I was sure that the kiss had lasted not only minutes, not only hours, not only days, but several
months.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love the internal argument and the last line. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI'm not connecting with this - and I believe it's because you are telling me instead of showing me.
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job of describing the image in her head but not how it felt.
LOL, the first paragraph conveys that rushing to the moment feeling, and then things slow down for the kiss. Nice example of how sentence length can change the pace.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was cute.
Funny! Love the internal monologue.
ReplyDeleteI'm with adrienne. We really don't see the kiss. We're told about it, and it's told in a way that doesn't give me any sense of what it was like. The cartoon description didn't help. (My thoughts immediately went to 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit.')
ReplyDeleteAnd when it's over and she thinks about checking her watch, I don't know if it's because the kiss was pathetic and so god-awful long or because it was wondeful and she wanted it to last forever.
I am thinking though, that if I had not been dropped into the middle of the scene and knew her from the beginning of the story, I would probably know whether she enjoyed the kiss or not because I'd have a better sense of who she was, but with just this bit, I think it could go either way.
I loved it. I thought it worked wonderfully. Yes, it's hard to "see," but I think what's important here is the protag's reaction to it. I love that she checks her watch, although I thought it was going to be because she wanted to note the date for posterity. :)
ReplyDeleteHowever, your lead-in line was REALLY confusing to me. Taylor and Regan are both names that could be male or female, and trying to figure out the pronouns was almost impossible.
Love the initial freak-out! Yes! No!
ReplyDeleteThis is all tell with no show. Parts are wordy and need paring down.
ReplyDeleteI like the lead-in internals. A bit confusing when you’re dropped into the scene, but I think they may work within the main framework.