TITLE: Colsen Demming; The Nephilim Existence
GENRE: YA
Colsen's first kiss with Nerissa before she leaves to > rescue his brother
Nerissa watched Hunter exit the room and strode quickly over to me. She bent down and grabbed my face with her hands, pulling it closely to hers.
“Don't worry,” she breathed softly, her espresso brown eyes boring deeply into mine, “We will find Alex. I promise.”
She tilted my chin up and kissed me softly on the mouth. Her full lips brushed against mine and a tingling sensation fluttered throughout my entire body. She had never kissed me before and I was thrown off guard by her directness. I wanted to grab her by the hair and press her closer to my body--to kiss her more firmly--but I just sat in shocked silence as her lips pulled away from mine. She stepped back to look at me, stroking my cheek with her thumb. Smiling her familiar smile, Nerissa said good bye and left me completely alone.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I love Nerissa's bold move. Let's let the girls take the lead. Very nice!
ReplyDeleteI also love her directness. What stood out to me though was that her kiss was more of an act of reassurance. It's different from usual first kisses, and I like that about it :)
ReplyDeleteI like that it felt like more of a promise and love her directness.
ReplyDeleteHmmm. I lave a love-hate relationship with hair grabbing, but Nerissa seems forward enough to enjoy it...
ReplyDelete:)
I thought the scene itself worked, but could be tightened up. Nerissa 'grabbing' his face to reassure him, seemed to be too rough. Seems she'd be a bit softer in that situation.
ReplyDeletePerhaps just say brown, or espresso, but not both. Fluttered through me, rather than throughout my entire body. You could cut 'to my body' and 'completely,' in completely alone. Alone and completely alone are the same thing.
Agreed with Barbara, this could be tightened. The first sentence confused me because there's no time break in between watching Hunter exit and striding over to Colsen. It feels like it happens simultaneously, which is weird.
ReplyDeleteLots of adverbs, maybe cut a few. Closely, softly, deeply, softly, firmly.
I liked Nerissa's lead here, but the words used to describe Colsen's
ReplyDeletethoughts/feelings seemed "off"--as if they were clearly written by a woman. For example, the stomach flutter. When a guy is about to get kissed, even if he has a flutter, he is not going to call it that or think of it that way. Might it be a quickening, a racing, or an electric pulse?
Just a thought.
The makings of a good scene are here, but it needs some tightening. Are all your adjectives really needed?
ReplyDelete“She had never kissed me before and I was thrown off guard by her directness.” If the reader knows it’s their first kiss, the sentence is stronger as, “Her directness threw me off-guard.”