TITLE: AMBER AND THE WHISPERING WILLOWS
GENRE: M/G Fantasy
A New Year's Eve gala at the Landau mansion is the setting where eleven-year-olds, Amber and Nina, and thirteen-year-old, Justin, are attending.
Midnight approached and Mrs. Landau gathered her guests by the main fountain. She gave a charming speech about the coming New Year, and then glanced at her watch.
"Please, everyone. All together. 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 ... HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
Lips locked throughout the conservatory. Husbands kissed wives and friends kissed friends.
With a wicked gleam in her eye, Nina grabbed Justin around the neck and yanked him in for a juicy kiss. Justin tried to squirm away, but Nina wouldn't let go.
"Ewww. Gross," Amber exclaimed.
As if by magic, a palm frond slowly dropped, concealing Nina and Justin.
Breathless, a beet red, lipgloss-wearing Justin pulled Amber and Nina away from the crowd and into a quiet section behind a trellis of white roses.
Amber handed Justin a napkin. "Wipe your mouth." She rolled her eyes. "Okay. Spill it. What's going on?"
Miss Snark's First Victim
This makes me wonder how they got to the party and what else is in store for your young characters. Nina is a brave one!
ReplyDeleteLove the innocence vs Nina's boldness. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteFun stuff!
ReplyDeleteI'd love to have a hint of both Nina and Justin's reactions. Is he appalled? Is she triumphant?
There is a huge age difference between 11 and 13. How does this affect their relationship at this moment?
I got lost with the palm frond. Sorry. It felt like I missed something.
ReplyDeleteI liked the last paragraph. Nina may be brave, but Amber has some attitude. Love it!
Cute. I forgot at first that you changed this to MG because I didn't expect the kiss, I guess. I almost wished it was Amber getting the kiss so I could connect more to the first kiss stage of life.
ReplyDeleteWhen writing numbers inside of dialogue I was told once that they should be written out as words because people use words when they talk not visual numerals. I'm wondering if anyone else has heard that.
Great job! Keep at it!
Well, we don't really see the kiss. We're told Nina kissed Justin. And I wonder how an eleven year old knows about a juicy kiss. And then we don't get any feedback on what either of them thought about it. The only reaction we get is Amber's, and she is neither the kisser or the kissee. But then, Nina's eleven and this is MG, so how descriptive can you be?
ReplyDeletePerhaps seeing the scene in context with the rest of the story would help, but as a stand alone, I don't think it works. We need more, I think, from your POV character.
I thought it was hilarious when you write: everyone locked lips. Great voice. I was confused a bit with the palm frond but i think that's just cause this is out of context.
ReplyDeleteI'm a non-ficiton writer by trade and I default to the AP style/rule with the numbers thing. I have to catch myself when I write numbers in dialogue. You do spell them out in fiction.
Funny!
ReplyDeleteWho’s POV is this?
ReplyDeleteWho is the palm fond concealing Nina and Justin from?
I think this could be really good once you settle POV.