TITLE: All You Need Is Love
GENRE: Young Adult
Despite having arrived with a group, I found myself alone at the bar feeling down over my failed love life when the completely gorgeous Aiden intruded my personal space.
"Are you sure you're suppose to be talking to me?" I nearly whisper out. I can already feel the Jaegermeister and Goldschleger rushing to my head.
"Why shouldn't I?" he asks his breath grazing over my neck.
"Because your girlfriend over there looks like she wants to wring my neck."
He glances over his shoulder to see what I'm talking about before turning his piercing hazel eyes back on mine and grinning wryly. "Skylar? Nah we're not like that. Besides I'm pretty sure she can handle herself." And with that signal of permission and perhaps the liquor that was streaming through me, I reached out and wrapped my hand around the back of his neck running my fingers through his curly red hair, pulling his face down to meet mine as I leaned up on my tippy toes and kissed him with everything I had.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Like her directness, especially against her feeling down over her failed love life.
ReplyDeleteooh, those German liqueurs, get you every time. I bet her mouth tastes terrific to him.
ReplyDeleteNot sure about piercing hazel eyes. I always think describing someone's eyes is a bit overdone (I think there was an article on this in the last SCBWI mag).
ReplyDeleteI like the MC's voice. Shows she's a sassy pants.
LOL, one reason I don't drink. I loved all of this and my only comment is "holy long last sentence Batman." It works though.
ReplyDeleteI stumble on the line... "Are you sure you're suppose to be talking to me?" I nearly whisper out.
ReplyDeleteI think it should say "I whisper". The "nearly whisper out" doesn't make sense to me.
This didn't work for me. Writing- wise, you're drifting between past tense and present tense. Pick one and stick with it.
ReplyDeleteIt should be intruded INTO my personal space
supposeD
If she 'nearly' whispered, then she didn't actually whisper, so what was it she did?
If she has to stand on her tippy toes to kiss him, how is it that his breath is grazing on her neck? Wouldn't it hit her face long before it reached her neck?
These are all little things that can be fixed easily, but when there are so many in such a short piece, it often discourages people from reading on. Make sure what you write is actually what you mean.
Story-wise, I didn't think it worked because I don't know the motivation behind the kiss, and that may be due to the fact that I'm dropping in in the middle of the scene. Still, she starts out down and insecure (Are you sure you're supposed to be talking to me) and then starts making out with the guy out of the blue, a total change in attitude. Perhaps add a line somewhere that says why her attitude suddenly changes. Why does she do this?
I like the tension here, and am sure that there is more explanation behind why she's kissing this guy, and why she needed some liquid courage to do it. The guts it takes for someone to kiss a guy right in front of a girl who is staring daggers at her is pretty awesome.
ReplyDeleteStill, these lines are just so, so long to me. Halfway through them, I forget what's going on. For example:
And with that signal of permission and perhaps the liquor that was streaming through me, I reached out and wrapped my hand around the back of his neck running my fingers through his curly red hair, pulling his face down to meet mine as I leaned up on my tippy toes and kissed him with everything I had.
That's one sentence. Wow. It could be several. Short sentences are not only clearer, they also advance the action in a moment like this. This is a "she grabs his neck and kisses" him moment. That's swift. It needs to feel swift when we read it, and right now, it doesn't.
I'd have to agree with S. Kyle.
ReplyDeleteBreak it up a bit for more excitement. Barbara also made a few valid points.
The voice is good. With a bit of tweaking it could be much better.
Several things seemed off to me here. “I nearly whisper out.” What does that mean?
ReplyDelete“Turning his piercing hazel eyes back on mine,” this only works if she has piercing hazel eyes, too.
Missing commas here and there. I know it’s small, but the omission brings the reader out of the scene.
I’d also rework the last sentence. Maybe make it two or three new ones.
The punctuation issues are a little distracting and the tense switch is definitely throwing me out of the story.
ReplyDeleteI love the direct action your character takes.
I'd recommend breaking up the last sentence into several shorter sentence to help keep the actions clear and the pacing tight.