TITLE: Non-Entity
GENRE: YA Dystopian
Cara and Seth are best friends and aspiring neuroscientists - now their friendship becomes something more.
When I don't say anything for a few moments Seth says, "I noticed as I was looking at your family's brain scans that all of you are highly compassionate people and I thought you might like to have proof of their compassion with you always." Nervously he takes hold of my hand. "Do you like it Cara?"
It's one of the most thoughtful gifts anyone has ever given me. Seth knows me.
I look up at him and his face is abstract through my tears, but I lean towards him anyway and press my lips to his. I can feel his surprise, and he pulls back for an instant and then his lips are on mine again. I've never kissed anyone before and it's strange at first and then our mouths open slightly and I can taste him. His mouth is warm and it's nice. So nice.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is so very sweet. I am totally smitten with your characters.
ReplyDeleteLike Seth and his caring. The kiss is sweet.
ReplyDeleteVery cute.
ReplyDeleteI think the middle line about the gift might flow better if you put the last sentence first.
Are you from way up north, too? We tend to put an "s" on the end of our forward and backward and toward... :)
I love this! But at the end saying it's nice, so nice. Nice is like saying someone is beautiful. It's a conclusion word. Can you reach a bit deeper?
ReplyDeleteOtherwise it's great.
Ah, sweet first love. I agree with kaurelius about switching the sentences around. I also thought the first sentence of dialogue was really long.
ReplyDeleteSuggestion: "Do you like it Cara? (put your action here if you want) I was looking at your family's brain scans and noticed your family are highly compassionate people. (The action might be nice here as well)I thought you might like proof of their compassion with you always."
I also love that he started to pull back in surprise and then caught up with her.
Finally, Cara says she could taste him. What did he taste like?
I'm confused. What was the gift?
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, very cute.
This was very nice and touching and sweet and seemed to fit these two characters exactly. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteI agree with changing the sentences around in parg 3, as well as with Charity's suggestions for parg 2. I think "Do you like it, Cara" should come first.
I did get caught up in the brain scan for a moment - can brain scans really show a person's capacity for compassion? I don't think so, but I also don't know anything about neuroscience. Still, it did pull me out momentarily. Overall though, I liked it and thought it worked.
Is he giving her the scans? I think so.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others. This is very cute. A few places to maybe clean up (as always), but overall, it works. However, it does feel a little... staged or something. I don't know how much I'm buying it here. However, that might be different if I had more context.
Interesting scene.
ReplyDeleteRomance in a science lab. Talking about brain scans and then a kiss.
You never know when the urge grabs you....
I like the writing. Well done.
Very cute.
ReplyDeleteSmall quibble: you’re missing some commas here and there.
ReplyDeleteOther thoughts are: how does she know Seth is nervous? and he’s speaking awfully formal, which may be the case, but it stuck out in my mind.
Make every word count! “I taste him” is stronger than, “I can taste him.”
Having said that, this one has the bones to be really good.