TITLE: All Cuffed Up and Nowhere To Go
GENRE: Single title contemporary romance
Dylan has just arrived at Jackie's front door after betraying her trust, offering flowers.
Did he really think that some flowers could even infinitesimally make up for what he'd done? Even he couldn't be that delusional.
He smiled at her, showing his dimples.
The anger erupted. She stepped forward, staring at the dainty yellow petals and then let her hand fly, whacking him in the shoulder. She swung again, hitting him on the side of the head.
"Jackie, jesus, what are-"
This time the flowers hit him in the face, shutting him up. Petals rained down all over the front steps. Dylan coughed, spitting some of them out and raised his arms, covering his face.
She hit him again, the anger in complete control of her. Every ounce of hurt, resentment, disappointment poured into each swing and it still wasn't enough. It still didn't make the pain go away. It was still there pressing on her. She kept swinging until her arms ached. Kept swinging until the flowers bent and drooped, until the stems broke, until every single last one of them had fallen to the ground and littered their feet.
Breathing heavily, she stepped back.
Dylan's face slowly came into view as he dropped his hands. He stared at her like he was visually measuring her for a strait-jacket.
Maybe he should. She'd never lost control like that.
Never knew it could feel so good.
She smiled at him and wiped her hands on her jeans. "Thanks," she said, gesturing to the unrecognizable flowers. "I do like them."
Miss Snark's First Victim
hahaha I love this. That ending is perfect.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why he doesn't fight back. I mean, I completely agree with your MC that flowers don't fix anything, but it seems like if I was the guy I wouldn't just stand there. Sure, he probably wouldn't hit a girl, but there are other options. Like running or protesting verbally. He just seems to stand there and take it. So...maybe he thinks he deserves it?
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I thought this was really well written and though I don't know what made your MC so upset, I feel like I can relate to her and her release of anger. So excellent job.
Out of context, I have a little trouble with the extent of her overreaction. However, that said, the ending line is awesome. So as long as the extent of the betrayal justifies her reaction, I'd say you've got a good scene.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was written pretty well. The ending is the best part.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this is just very slightly overwritten. I respect the MC's bravery for hitting the boy (and I get that he deserves it a lot), but I think there was too much choreography and not enough focus on the emotions.
ReplyDeleteI love the metaphor of measuring her for a straitjacket.
This is fine but she would destroy these flowers after a couple of hits and I'm not sure how that would make her arms ache. I think you need to work on not dragging it out so much. Maybe she hits him with them a couple of times and then stomps them into the ground. Something that can keep going this long.
ReplyDeleteI like this. It's funny and dramatic and the title is way good. Reminds me of a Kim Harrison title.
ReplyDeleteGood title and good ending line.
ReplyDeleteThe paragraph that begins with "She hit him again" has "still" too many times. I assume you were doing this on purpose, but it weakens things by sounding too repetitive.
"Dylan coughed, spitting some of them out" deserves to be its own sentence, it's so funny.
Love the writing! The only part I would change is ‘…spitting some of them out…’ IMHO, this seems a tiny bit clunky. How about ‘Dylan coughed spitting yellow petals as he raised his arms.’ Maybe there is no need to explain that ‘some of them’ got into his mouth. Let the words carry the story without explaining.
ReplyDeleteSuper job with her emotion, especially the last line. This tells my volumes, how she has held back before this and tamped her own feelings down.
I would read on if only to discover what she does next. LOL.
I really really like this. It's humorous, but there is nice dramatic tension as well. That last line is just perfect too.
ReplyDeleteI didn't see a reveal here.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I thought it was a fun excerpt, with a great last line, and I liked the intent, but I did think it could be so much more than it is. It's mostly told, and it's told in a careful, writerly way (as if you're really paying attention to explaining it well.) Rather than explaining what she did, let her actually do it. The MC is letting go here, and perhaps you should, too. As an example -
The anger erupted. (This says to me she's really, really mad)
She stepped forward, staring at the dainty yellow petals (This isn't erupting, and it slows it down. Perhaps she should do this before she erupts, right after he apologizes, right before you say - did he really think . . .?)
and then let her hand fly, whacking him in the shoulder. She swung again, hitting him on the side of the head.
(I'm seeing a mosquito swat which conveys annoyance not real anger. Say She hit him. His shoulder. His head. His face. Let the words come in a flurry, in the same way that she's hitting him, rather than in nicely written, measured sentences.
And is she yelling at him as she hits? Is she crying? And what's he doing? Are his hands thrown up to protect himself? Is he backing off?
This is a scene you definitely want to show, I think.