TITLE: The Warrior Groom
GENRE: Historical Romance (Regency
On his first night in London, Aidan Cavanaugh kissed a young woman in the shadowy gardens at Vauxhall. He just shared a kiss with that same girl (who he has been courting) only she doesn't know it.
Aidan brushed a wayward curl away from her face. "How many men have you kissed?"
Aidan expected her to hesitate, but she didn't. "Two men have kissed me."
"Me and who else?" Aidan was pleased that she was as inexperienced as she seemed. The idea of introducing her to every level of passion appealed to him.
A pretty blush stained Kate's cheeks. "I...I don't know his name. He surprised me at Vauxhall one night not long before I met you. Cass and Bea convinced me to go to a masqued ball there. I got lost in the gardens and he mistook me for his paramour."
Familiarity niggled at Aidan's mind. Could Kate be his mystery lady? He remembered the flashes of her that came to him during their first kiss. "He didn't hurt you did he?"
"No." Kate shook her head. "He kissed me much like you do."
A slow grin spread across his face. "That's because he is me."
"I beg your pardon?" She frowned in confusion.
"I am the man that kissed you that night."
Kate blinked up at Aidan in disbelief. He was the man that kissed her in Vauxhall? It was highly improbable. Out of all the men in the world, she found herself with the same man who first kissed her?
Kate finally found her voice, choked though it might sound. "How long have you known?" Aidan continued to grin down at her in that infuriating way of his. "I suspected when we first kissed, but I didn't know for certain until today."
Miss Snark's First Victim
I don't read a lot of romance, especially regency, but I don't feel like this scene has very much tension. The imagery and the writing is good, but I don't sense much tension from either character.
ReplyDeleteMaybe every other scene leading up to this one is chock-full of tension, but the revelation feels too neat here. I want it to cause more trouble, for Kate not to believe Aidan. It feels like a denouement, the scene after the final conflict scene where the couple finally gets their HEA ending.
The one other thing is that I found the POV switch to be a tiny bit abrupt, but I am no good at writing third person, so it may just be me. (Specifically, Aidan's pov has two 'graphs in a row starting with his name, as does Kate in her pov)
You can write, but there's something missing from this scene. Maybe it's just because what's being revealed creates a release of tension instead of causing more to build up. I'd like to read more of this novel, but only because I'm curious to see if how you build tension in the rest of the scenes.
I really love this premise, the idea of the two having already kissed. Fun!
The POV switch is definitely jarring. Generally scenes should be kept in one POV to avoid "head hopping".
ReplyDeleteI agree that the writing is lovely but it lacks tension. Maybe it could take him longer to realize her first kiss was him? Or maybe you could write it from her POV and the fact that he seems to know something she doesn't could add tension.
I definitely like that their first kiss is actually their second kiss and neither realizes it at first.
Count me as another that felt this scene lacked tension. I think it would be so much stronger with it. My first thought after reading the line "he kissed me much like you do" was oh, here it comes a slow build up of him playing with her by asking "and how would that be" or something to that extent, teasing her, but instead he just immediately says it's him.
ReplyDeleteI personally don't like head hopping because it takes me out of the story, but that's just personal preference.
I really like your writing style. It's very easy to read and flows well I just would have liked a bit more tension and emotion.
I'm a little confused. The head-hopping confused me first, and then his last remark. I assumed they had just had their first kiss (with identifiable partners) but then he said he'd suspected since they're first kiss so I was thrown out. I think this is just an issue of being dropped into the middle of the book. But I agree with the others that the scene could use a little more tension.
ReplyDeleteThe switch in POV really threw me. One moment we're in Aidan's head, the next in Kate's. It's jarring.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I had no idea if Kate had liked the kiss from her mystery man, if that kiss was something she'd been looking for. Or did she find it repulsive? Knowing that would give the scene some drive I feel it's currently lacking. There's no conflict here, nothing to make us hold our breath as we wait to find out what happens next.
Yeah, there's no tension in this scene. It could be due to the head-hopping. The reader couldn't get lost in the POV character. Give us 1 POV and let us feel, see, hear, smell, and touch whatever he/she is feeling....
ReplyDeleteDespite the head-hopping, your writing flows well and easy to understand.
The POV switch stopped me for a moment, too, but if you're doing omniscient, it's perfectly acceptable. If you're not, stick to the MC's POV.
ReplyDeleteI didn't think the reveal had any punch to it. I think it's that there's no emotion in Kate, and very little in Aidan. I don't think it's tension so much that is missing. I think it's passion. Your characters feel like two friends talking to each other. I'm not feeling their passion/love/lust/yearning/longing for each other. If you get into their heads a bit more, you could bring that out easily.
I think choosing and maintaining one POV will help with the perceived lack of emotionmbetween these two characters. I thought the dialogue was nicely done. I was also intrigued by his asking if this other man hurt her. It made memwant to know if Aidan was just making sure he was the other man, or if Aidan did something to Kate. Since we're dropped in the middle of things, this is something we'd know. But Kate doesn't, and it seems such an odd question that I'd expect her to have some sort of reaction, if only internal.
ReplyDeleteThis passage didn't work for me. The revelation lacked "oomph" and I didn't really feel connected to the characters. This is so neat and easy. Why didn't they discuss this before? Especially since there are no ramifications, I feel like Aidan would have mentioned this earlier.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the POV transfer threw me off-kilter. I'm not a big fan of head-jumping. I would have preferred to be inside one character for the entire scene. If you're going to switch perspectives, maybe do it every chapter, not within scenes.
Thanks for sharing!
The dialogue is lacking here. I really dislike the line "He kissed me much like you do."
ReplyDeleteI know you put it in there to get to the next part of your dialogue, but it doesn't work for me.
I feel like they both accepted this revelation too easily. He never looks for more clues - he just accepts it.
And she doesn't doubt him. She never asked "Oh yeah... what was I wearing?" You think she would test him or something.