TITLE: Day 10K
GENRE: Science fiction
14 year-old Shushan has a crush on Nakajima. She's being chosen to help him on a mission on their colonized world. She observes his moment of revelation.
Up till now, Shushan hadn't seen Nakajima change expression much. He just tended to look noble or attentive. Now she had a clear look at the whites of his eyes.
He pointed at her and Poni. "These two gir-- . . . these two young women?"
Her father nodded. "Both of them would be recognized by the leader of the survivalists. And all here agree they are responsible 'young women.' Though I must say, I get a little misty-eyed to think so. It seems just yesterday that Shushan here had training wheels on her bicycle, and cute pink ribbons on the handlebars."
Shushan thought she wanted to vomit and die, but decided that wouldn't be a good idea in front of Ensign Nakajima.
The ensign now had an inward look to his eyes, as when a person was hit with something strange when the familiar was expected -- like when the other people at her bank realized the whole system might collapse tomorrow. His tone became uncertain. "And they're both just past five thousand Earth days old?"
Her father explained. "At that age, they're considered old enough to handle certain responsibilities outside the home. Shushan works at a bank, and she's quite a good driver."
That made her feel better.
Miss Snark's First Victim
LOL, love the dad's embarrassing dialog and Shushan's reaction to it. And the little bit of world building hints at a future where nothing is certain.
ReplyDeleteThe last line felt a little too telling, but it works.
I really liked the writing, and I'm intrigued by the premise. I'm excited by the idea of the mission, and want to learn more! Good job.
I like Shushan's voice, which I felt really carried this snippet. I'm also interested to learn more about this Ensign Nakajima and the world they live in. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence and the last sentence are too telling. Also, I think the writing is a bit wordy in places. "Shushan thought she wanted to" could be shortened to Shushan wanted to" to make sentences easier to read.
ReplyDeleteThe voice feels young if this is SF for adults. It has a MG feel to it, especially with the way the dad talks.
I liked how age is measured in Earth days. With that age (13+) this does seem more like MG or younger YA.
Thanks for sharing this!
I didn't get what the reveal is. I don't get the importance of what Dad is telling Nakajima. I don't know why he's telling her. And I don't get any sense from Nakajima that this is big or important news. Perhaps this comes fom being dropped in the middle, but it really feels like an "As you know, Bob,' bit to me.
ReplyDeleteI dunno. I didn't get the big revelation at first either. I guess it's that someone as young as Shushan is going on a mission with him (how old is Nakajima then?).
ReplyDeleteI agree that father's dialog feels a bit telling. Part of it is just that it's long. Is he telling Nakajima about getting misty-eyed, or is it for Shushan's benefit? Also the bit about "at that age...". Wouldn't Nakajima know at what age people are considered responsible? Or is he from some other society.
The bit about the training wheels and pink ribbons felt too modern-day Earth to me. The names suggested an Asian feel, and 'colonized world' suggested something in the future, so the 20th-century, Western cliche of training wheels and ribbons kinda threw me off.
I do like the measuring age in Earth days, and I'm curious about the differences in this world that make 13-14 year-olds considered old enough to hold jobs and drive.
I liked the MC's voice (and her reaction to her dad's comments). I had trouble with the father's dialogue. It came across as formal, which would work in the context of the story. But what he's saying, in part doesn't work. If he's trying to convince Nakajima that his daughter is experienced enough to take on this mission, I don't think he'd be reminiscing about her on a bicycle.
ReplyDeleteI agree with most people here on this piece. I also don't quite understand what the revelation is here. And it did feel too modern day with the bike with ribbons and so forth.
ReplyDeleteYes, do get rid of "thought" when it comes to her wanting to vomit. That's why it's, "That makes me want to vomit" not "I think that makes me want to vomit."
I'm also not sure what makes Shushan so able to go on some mission on a colonized world...I tend to hear that and think it's going to be difficult and require some special skills. Instead we learn she works at a bank and can drive. How does that relate to what they're going to be doing? I'm having a tough time coming up with ideas, so I'm hoping you have it all worked out.