TITLE: Untitled
GENRE: Romance
Kate and Gray are travelling through the mountains on their way back to the farm when they come across a not-so-smart tourist photographing the wildlife.
Kate rolled down the truck window and watched intently. The stranger moved closer to the wolverine sunning itself in the warm alcove of rock.
"Hey, buddy!" Gray called out as the man crouched down and raised his camera. Kate could see the shape of a telescopic lens. "Get on over here! You don't want to corner that thing. You won't stand a chance if it gets a mind to have you for lunch!"
The man waved Gray away, focused on his camera. "He's already had lunch," he called over his shoulder, irritation evident in his tone. "There's a deer carcass over there!"
From her position in the truck, Kate couldn't see anything dead in the tall grass where the man had indicated. Movement on the rock brought her attention back to the predator as it crouched and eyed the man in the ditch, fur bristling. What is wrong with this guy? Can't he see he's pissing it off?
"Look out!" Gray shouted. A gunshot cracked through the next instant. Kate jumped in her seat and banged her right knee hard on the dash. The rock beneath the wolverine's feet exploded into a shower of pebbles, chasing it over the far side of the cliff before the reverberation of the gun dissipated into the still afternoon air.
Rubbing her knee, she watched the man in the green jacket walk back towards the road, a deep frown etched across a familiar brow.
She sucked in a hard, disbelieving breath. It was Robert.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I had trouble picturing Kate's physical actions of banging her knee in the truck.
ReplyDeleteAnd, since I want to be in Kate's head for POV, I'm wondering how she slams her knee and then sees the pebbles explode at the same time the gun goes off. I think she'd miss that if she jumped at the noise and then her attention is brought to her poor knee.
So, I'm pulled out of the scene for this. Also, the gun comes out of nowhere. When did Grey pick it up? Before the scene starts? If so, that seems threatening that he'd be aiming before he called out to the man.
I also don't like the breath being disbelieving. Kate can be disbelieving, but not her breath. Small things, but they add up to a not-as-believable experience.
Why would Gray be shouting at this guy if he's wary about the wolverine? Wouldn't shouting bring even more unwanted attention? Also, where did the gun come from? There was no indication that anyone had a gun and even after it went off, you don't say who actually shot it. I'm assuming Gray, but I really have no idea.
ReplyDeleteSomething is missing in this for me. I didn't feel any emotion. The wolverine is dangerous, the person taking the pictures is in danger- I'm told this but I don't feel it. I can't really picture this scene or the action. The gunshot was confusing for me. It took me a moment to even figure out who shot.
ReplyDeleteI also didn't like "she sucked in a hard, disbelieving breath" It just isn't packed with enough emotion for me.
I am curious to know who Robert is and how Kate knows him.
I was confused by this. The man in the green jacket is Robert. Is he also the photographer? Or is he the person who fired the gun? I'm just not sure. I imagine it's all clear with the paragraphs preceding this snippet, but I just didn't have a good visual on who was where.
ReplyDeleteThere doesn't seem to be enough lead in to her revelation. Wouldn't the voice seem familiar as well, even if she couldn't pinpoint it until she saw his face?
ReplyDeleteFrom my understanding, the gunman is out of site, a surprise to everyone involved. You need to be more consistent in how you reference Robert. As tarak said, he's the stranger, the photographer, the man in the ditch, the man in the green jacket... Choose one identifier and stick with it so the reader isn't confused as to how many people are referenced.
I didn't think the reveal worked because the suprise is supposed to come from Kate, but we're not really in her head throughout the piece. She's telling us what's happening, but we don't get how she feels about it, what she thinks, and as someone said, there's no build-up. There's no "Hmm. That voice sounds familiar," or "I wonder if," The reveal comes off flat because nothing leads up to it.
ReplyDeleteI also wondered why Gray was yelling at the photographer (who I believe is Robert?) Wouldn't it just make the wolverine more cranky? And I didn't know who fired the gun until I read the comments (Gray? Although, there could have been a fourth unknown person in the scene, and maybe that's Robert?)
Needs a bit of clarification, I think.
Everyone has already said what I was going to say so I will just add these two things:
ReplyDelete1) If she can't see him, she doesn't know he's a stranger
2) The line, "Movement on the rock..." is passive. This needs to be active and it needs to be from Kate's POV. Otherwise, you are distancing us from her.
I also didn't connect with Kate. I didn't feel her emotion at all. And I was confused about the gun. Who had the gun?
ReplyDeleteI think this is one of the best entries. Even though I'm not a rural person, I can see the foolishness of the tourist with the camera. The sensory detail of the paragraph with the gunshot is great. And a good reveal that (I assume) the man with the gun is Robert -- whoever he is.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments - where is the gun?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I wish you have given this a title - even if it was a working title.